This one kinda bored me. How do we know it is Satan and not just some old Demon who doesn't like that game? 3 pages are hard to do a story so well done on that front.

This is good.

The message from Satan is too long.

Just make it:

This is Satan; not: This is Satan Jesus Christ Abandoned You All

because Satan's no fool and knows his limits.

What about

>Come with

Is this an accent or something? In my world it would be just

Come! or Quick!

What stuck out for me was the over attention to fashion. Hmmm

>She wears a long plain dress. Nothing fancy.

I don't think it's pertinent to the story. It just adds extra weight to the read.

All and all

A good story a brew.

Sandra

Quoted from DustinBowcot The devil is a bit shitty with punctuation. There's a missing comma. As a teacher, she really should have picked him up on it.

Couldn't help but respond to this and correct you.

You are wrong and the writer in this case is actually correct. Have you even played the board game Boggle? If you have, you would know that the dice contain only letters, and no punctuation on them. Therefore, when the writer wrote it as such --

The cubic dice spell out the sentence: "THIS IS SATAN JESUS CHRIST ABANDONED YOU ALL".

It is actually correct, as we are seeing that sentence as everyone else is on screen. Why put punctuation in the sentence if we don't see it?

Boom.

Quoted from Tyler King Couldn't help but respond to this and correct you. You are wrong and the writer in this case is actually correct. Have you even played the board game Boggle? If you have, you would know that the dice contain only letters, and no punctuation on them. Therefore, when the writer wrote it as such -- The cubic dice spell out the sentence: "THIS IS SATAN JESUS CHRIST ABANDONED YOU ALL". It is actually correct, as we are seeing that sentence as everyone else is on screen. Why put punctuation in the sentence if we don't see it? Boom.

If he had played the board game Boggle, he would be dead - did you not read the story?

Quoted from Tyler King Couldn't help but respond to this and correct you. You are wrong and the writer in this case is actually correct. Have you even played the board game Boggle? If you have, you would know that the dice contain only letters, and no punctuation on them. Therefore, when the writer wrote it as such -- The cubic dice spell out the sentence: "THIS IS SATAN JESUS CHRIST ABANDONED YOU ALL". It is actually correct, as we are seeing that sentence as everyone else is on screen. Why put punctuation in the sentence if we don't see it? Boom.

Well, I did actually think of that at the time but couldn't be bothered to give an alternative. The first alternative I came up with was that as everyone was being thrown around anyway, the devil could have simply stripped the pubic hair from the teacher's vagina and used that as a comma. However, after reading Sandra's suggestion, I think I'd go with that. As it stands, the sentence reads as though the devil is saying its full name is Satan Jesus Christ Abandoned You All.

Better to not have the words at all than a grammatically incorrect Satan, surely?

Felt a little rushed as others have said. Satan waiting for the Boggle game to be brought out in order to be released? Weird. And after this unholy carnage, they put it back on the shelf?

Quoted from MarkRenshaw If he had played the board game Boggle, he would be dead - did you not read the story?

Yeah unfortunately he didn't play it.

Five-year-olds playing Boggle? No.
And it's downhill from there -- in mechanics, writing, and logic.
On the positive side, I liked the goofy, everything-happens quality.

Henry

I agree with Mark and Dustin.

This has serious flaws all over.  5-year-olds playing Boggle??

So, the church gets this game, and it's cursed??  Really?

So, the kids are getting tossed around like yesterday's trash, but, yet, they can suddenly try to make a run for it?

I think this fails the criteria.  I went to a Catholic Grade School and the school is never part of the church.  So, this doesn't really take place in a church, at all.

So, everyone dies, but, how does the game survive?  If you tell me it's a curse, fine, but, how do the other games survive?  Or are they all cursed?

The way it was written was like it was a 70s cheesy horror flick, and while I love those, you have to modernize it so that it doesn't seem cheesy.  

I actually talked to a kid that thinks the first Halloween was FUNNY.  At least the Exorcist scared him.  But, FUNNY??  

So, there is potential here, but, the flaws really need to be fixed.

Dan

I like a good cursed game flick (I still have a horror-comedy somewhere called DEATH CROQUET), and if this doesn't deliver on the story, it at least delivers on children being harassed by Satan. Good fun, but no rhyme or reason to much here.

Idea for a plot: there's one smart-alecky kid who's better than all the others at everything and demands they play Boggle. Satan appears with some Boggle-related just desserts.

Writer,

Not a bad concept, really, but not the most original either. It seemed pretty random that the game was a portal to hell. Why was it a portal? Some sort of explanation is necessary. Now, if you'd made the daycare teacher one of the surviving children from 1977, now you got something a little different. Just a thought.

Steve

Having "1977" in your Slug is an unfilmable - this needs to be a SUPER.

Does it matter what the children are wearing? Or what Carrie is wearing?  No...it does not.

Boggle for 5 year olds?  No...makes no sense.  Yes, churches back in the 70's definitely had classrooms, but these were for "Sunday School", and the lessons taught were all of religious nature, not spelling.

How many Boggle games are there?  Really?  And these are all brand new, just for this class?  Listen, in Sunday school, "classes" were not based on something like "all 5 year olds" - they were simply younger kids, mid level kids, and older kids.  This is all completely unrealistic.

"Just as an unseen force YANKS the children away by their hair one by one!" - Huh?  WTF?  And, what's with the irritating exclamation point?  Using exclamation points in a script, other than for a sound effect, works in reverse to how peeps think - they come off comedic.

Wow...wait a minute...these 5 year old kids are being thrown around against the walls?

Now, seconds later, all the kids are just peachy and follow Carrie to the door?  OK...riiiight!

This is reading like a pisser...most likely, an unintentional pisser.

"girl-next-door looks with fashionable clothes" - I'm sure this is going to play a big part in the script.

Oh boy...every 40 years Satan comes from the game Boggle.  Riiiight...

Well, it's not good at all.  The exclamation points make it comical, as does the plot.

Sorry, not for me.

1/2

Some good writing on display here as well... a lot of good scripts in this bunch.

I loved the ending of this. But I'd almost stop with him reaching for the old worn box.

I think my favorite part of this one was when the book fell off the shelf.

Feels like this could be part of a bigger piece.

Some questions... why Boggle? I guess the words thing was kind of cool. Kinda like Ouiji board or something.

I like this story. Great job for a three page horror flick.

THIS IS SATAN

Yes, very much a familair tale.  Crazy and mind-BOGGLING beyond belief, but not a bore fest.  This first part of the story is about "a new game" being introduced.  The ending is about a boy finding the game by way of a falling book. And 40 year in between.
I like the falling book idea leading to found games.

I'm thinking that the process could be repeated, but not 40 years apart. How about a school in a different country? As if it is happening concurrently across the world?
Or maybe the same kid shows up in both the opening disaster and the ending story. As if he's the catalyst for the mayhem?
Rework and make it a little smarter.  Try a few fresh tricks and see what happens.