Yeah, I also saw this as exposing organized religion. I actually enjoyed it a lot. I did not enjoy it almost disappearing up its own ass with the narrator poem stuff. You just copied verbatim his poem/riddle On A Pair of Dice. How about instead coming up with a good way to incorporate dice into the story?

Here's an idea, how about when he leaves the Church he walks straight into a whorehouse/gambling den (hence dice being rolled). And all the sinners there welcome him in with open arms.

Then the churchgoers open the envelope.

Hi,

Why is Jesus carrying around dice? Seems like he was just trying to meet the criteria of a quickie challenge.

Not quite how I imagined the second coming of Christ.

I personally didn't mind the story. Definitely not the worst I've read.

Some of the formatting choices were odd to me but each to their own it seems. First time I think I've seen an image of sorts in a script. I feel it would be better written as an INSERT minus the picture.

I, too, want money and whiskey.

The tear from the statue is pretty over the top. The whole close is, really. Jesus leaves a snarky little note? Doesn't seem Christ-like.

Up until then, I quite liked it. I think the Swift riddle is a biiiiit of a stretch in connecting thematically, but maybe I'm not reading it quite right. This is the most ambitious of those I've read so far, and also probably my favourite. But I do think it swings way too hard at the end.

I wonder if it'd be better to play this out with no dialogue except for the V.O. I can imagine the imagery that could replace every line, here, I think.

Good stuff.

I admire that you took a somewhat complex approach-- that is, basing the script structure on a Swift poem. I'm not sold on it, though. Is it just literate window dressing, or does it actually serve a solid purpose? I'm still thinking.
Other thoughts, in no particular order:
The idea here has been done many times before (church hypocrisy, what if Jesus came back, etc.).
I groaned when the statue shed a tear and when I saw the printed note.
I don't think the dice in the visitor's hand is enough to be counted as the required object.
And a drone in the camera directions! Hadn't seen that done before.

Henry

Writer,
The writing in spots is awkward - it seems you might've had a little trouble with this. I get it. However, I just wasn't on board with the story. The congregation seemed like they were from another planet with all their robotic head bowing. And the man at the end being Jesus did not seem to work, and I think the problem lies in the set up of the story. Not to mention, the dice were just kinda thrown in. I can't really figure any reason for
Jesus to be holding a pair of dice anyway. Not for me.

Steve

The interactions are unclear. What's going on there? Is it before the Mass begins?
Okay, nice, tricky ending…

The long set-up is just not clear to me, I mean, f.i., the preacher walks around having small talk with people here and there. There's a fine thought of a concept I feel, only the story isn't developed enough yet. Keep at it. This could be something very funny/ironic or perhaps something very provoking and serious.  For now it is somewhere in between, too half-cooked.

With more direction and clearer storyline this could have a fine and interesting value imo.

I liked this one. How fast we judge people. Even the one that teaches us not to.

Good writing and good story. LOVED the little insert in the script on the last page.

I agree that the dice felt a little forced. They never came into play, so to speak, so it felt it had nothing to do with it. However, after a rewrite when the challenge guidelines no longer apply, you can just get rid of them.

Great job!

I liked this one too. Love anything that takes a shot at organized religion. And while the story is not the most original - a judgmental congregation - it's done in a very interesting way, through the poem and through the eyes of Jesus.

I don't think the writer needs to go so over the top with stamping this man AS Jesus - he can simply be a down on his luck fellow, since Jesus said 'what you do to the least of my brothers, you do to me.'

Otherwise we tread into determinism - Jesus knew that they would cast him out, hence he left the note predicting that they would. Then again, he's Jesus, so if they had reacted positively to him, he could have made the note say something different with a wave of his hand. But it sure did look like he was going into this church knowing he was going to get the bum's rush. Okay I have to stop now...

The concept was good, I had no idea he was Jesus. I thought the envelope he gave was probably full of money, and he used to go to the church or something. It's a cool story.

Mixed feelings on this one. Definitely outside the box, which I like. Dice definitely feel forced, which I didn't love. I like that you were trying to say something with this.