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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Transmuters Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: November 29th, 2007, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Transmuters by Elisabeth Dubois (elis) - Sci Fi - A revolutionary enzyme, aimed at curing cancer, is  canned when it accidentally radiates and kills one of its researching pharmacists. Its research resurfaces a few years later, revealing an unusual side effect. 94 pages - pdf, format


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ABennettWriter
Posted: November 29th, 2007, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not a big sci-fi reader, so I don't know if the technical names are mentioned in the scripts. I have no idea what a neutron flux or a a gamma-ray radiometer are.

Perhaps you should describe them?

So far, so good, though.

EDITED: Actually... Page 4: If you want the audience to know it's four years later, you've gotta superimpose it. Having it in the slugline doesn't make it so. And if that's what you want the director to do, you've gotta tell him that, too.

Why is there a comma in every one of Sammy's lines? It's distracting. And I don't really get the sense of the actor reading it like that. The comma means there's a pause. Do you really want the actor to say, "Is it (pause) Nana?" If that's what you want, fine, but it doesn't read right.

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ABennettWriter  -  November 29th, 2007, 7:05pm
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elis
Posted: December 1st, 2007, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Hi ABSteel,
This script has plagued me for over 6 months. I need fresh eyes to flush out exactly what you have started doing.
I appreciate you taking the time to read it.
Elisabeth


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tomson
Posted: December 2nd, 2007, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Elis,

Sorry it took me so long to finish.

I’m trying to be as helpful as I can with this and hope you take it as such. You also know I’m not a pro so these are just my humble opinions.

SPOILERS:

Let’s start out looking at this script from afar and then move in closer.

I think the general story line here is fine, but not really unique. It does have a nice feel to it though with the idea of curing cancer and the idea of curing the aging process. It felt like a film suitable to the Lifetime network, but not the big screen. Which is fine if that’s what you intended. There’s nothing wrong with writing for television. In fact there’s probably a better chance at getting a script sold for television film than one intended for big theatrical releases.

This script is 93 pages, which is only 2.5 pages more than the common 90 page minimum for a feature. The reason I mention that is because I’m not 100% sure that the story is 92+ pages. I’m sure you’ve read/heard that every single line in a script is important and needs to move the story forward. You have a lot of lines like this “he gets up, she sits down,  Jody looks at Peter, Frank can’t believe it”. I understand that it is important to add some action lines so there’s not just dialogue, but at the same time, lines like those do not move the story forward.  Some of them come across as just fillers. You have quite a few of those types of lines and if you remove them this script would be a lot shorter. (I think) My suggestion would be to add to this story with action lines that adds interest and or moves the story forward. I know you can do it.

I liked the idea of Sammie being able to make people healthy, but at the same time I think it was revealed a little too early. IMHO, I would have liked to see/feel a little more mystery around that part. Once it becomes clear what Sammie can do we know right away what’s going to happen next time someone “ill” shows up.

The beginning of this script was good and I was immediately interested. In a way I wished the whole story would have had a little more of the “sci-fi” stuff. I like that and like I said, the beginning works.

Nice jump to four years later! However, the script slows down some after that too. This goes back to what I mentioned earlier about driving the story forward.  Even though it’s important to establish the carachters, I think you can do that while adding interest too. The bedroom scene is fine and works, but the following scenes don’t do much. A lot of chit chatting and phone conversations. Maybe I’m just so used to reading and writing 5 page scripts that I get impatient.

You set up the party and the nursing home parts well, but when Sammie cures the young girl and the old woman you speed through it. That’s where the interesting parts are to me at least. I’d like to see you expand on those things.  I wanted to see more. I also wanted to know more about Melissa’s illness. Show us how she’s ill. Right now the adults briefly talk about it and she looks pale. Build on it. Make us feel more for her, worry about her so we can feel even better when she gets cured.

I’m not so sure it’s necessary for Michelle to be ill. It doesn’t add too much, because as soon as we find out she’s ill, we know Sammie will cure her. I do like how Sammie can hear them calling him. I thought that was great. Liked the purple haze too.

The ending seemed a little weird in a way. First off it ended pretty much as I thought it would, but I had some problem with the reactions of the people. I think I would have believed it and accepted it had it not been 15 years later. Besides them all looking older, it felt as if it was just a few months or a year later.

Zooming in a little now.  

I think the carachter of Jody was fine. She was likable and believable. Maybe getting teary eyed one or two too many times, but maybe not.

Sammy seemed a LOT older than 3 years old most of the time. He did come across as a very sweet and likable boy however. I think I would have liked to see him a tad older.

Michelle was okay.  I didn’t really have anything against her, but she didn’t add much either to me.

Peter was fine too. In fact I would have liked to see more of him. I thought Jody and Peter would end up together. It seemed almost weird that almost 20 years after her husband has died, she’s still alone… I understand she misses her husband, but after that length of time, she could have found someone new.

The villains were okay too. I think they could be a little more sinister even. What exactly were their motives anyway? Greed, fame, what? That something I think could be expanded on as well.

There were some typos here and there, but I didn’t write them down. If you want me to I can point them out, but at the moment I’m getting tired of typing, haha.

Several times you mentioned draws. Is that what you call drawers down under or is it something else?

You also have on several occasions the much discussed “we see and we hear”. They don’t really bother me too much unless there are a lot of them and you had quite a few. Especially towards the more action filled end.

Ditto that for words that end with ‘ing. I forget what they are called, but it reads better I think if it’s written in present tense.

Boy I think this might be my longest post ever. I’m going to quit now, but might come back and add stuff later.

All in all I think you did a good job, but it needs some tweaking.

If you have any questions at all, just ask. I often come across as confusing.

Hope this was helpful.

Pia
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ABennettWriter
Posted: December 2nd, 2007, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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"-ing" words are in passive tense.

While it's good to use as many active verbs as possible, using it every time can turn a good script into an okay script.

I use whichever reads better.
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elis
Posted: December 4th, 2007, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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Wow Pia! What a time consuming review. Thank you!
Firstly,  

I too, am getting too use to reading shorts and tend to want things to move quickly, so thanks for taking time out to read a feature.

You have provided me with so much needed feed back.

I didn't really intend it to be a script suitable for TV, but I think you may be right.

I am going to print your review and use it as a guide for my rewrite. You have made a lot of interesting points, especially the time factor ;  the possible union of Peter and Jody and Michelle's role.
Also, Sammie could be older, that will also be another thing to consider.

You've been a great help.

Thanks again,
Elisabeth



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elis  -  December 6th, 2007, 6:53am
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