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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Arpeggio Garden Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: February 5th, 2017, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Arpeggio Garden by Rick Fyvie - Sci Fi, Fantasy, Mystery - Inspired by the surreal works of Lewis Carroll and L. Frank Baum: A small town girl who dreams of traveling to distant lands, suddenly finds herself on an epic quest to release her lost love from the prison of an underworld garden matrix. 135 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
SimplyScripts  -  March 13th, 2017, 2:17pm
revised draft
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Canis
Posted: February 5th, 2017, 7:12pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Don, for the quick upload! I know itís been quite awhile since Iíve posted/commented on anything (outside of an OWC), however, if someone wants to maybe do a script exchange (even for the first act or so)... just to see if the script is engaging, riddled with typos or, needs a major overhaul, Iíd be down with that; SciFi/Fantasy/Mystery type genres.

I realize that a 135 pages is a little over the top but, I just couldnít help myself. Iíve actually been working on this concept for the past few years (in my head) and, would like to continue writing with a sequel or prequel if itís worth my time and effort. Please PM me if you're interested in doing some type of script exchange, thanks again...
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eldave1
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Rick: I gave the first ten pages a read (sorry - swamped now so that was all I could get in). Anyway - my initial thoughts:

Looks to be professionally written, IMO. Formatting solid, descriptions vivid and you do a great job of establishing the tone of the settings. There is also clever intrigue upfront engaging someone to read on.

On the VOs. I hesitate to comment (but will anyway). Each VO taken by its own is poetic - thought provoking. I can tell that you really put time into them. That being said, I think you can cut them back. i.e., even though great individually, the become a bit tedious since several of them contain the same theme. i.e.: So, here they are:

SPOILERS


Quoted Text
YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.)
In my dreams I am fire; I am
diesel, the engine, the rail.

YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.)
I am a brave warrior; over nature,
man, and beast.

YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.)
I am the ocean and the sky; I am
the wind, the craft, the sail.


To be - the first three are all the same theme. Just different ways of saying it. She is powerful - invincible - the be all end all. I would condense that into one. Something like:

YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.)
In my dreams, I  am motion. The
diesel, the engine, the rail. I rule over nature,
man, and beast. I am the ocean and the sky,
the wind, the craft, the sail.


Not that exactly - the point being - for a single theme I would use a single VO.

And then she moves onto matters of the heart:


Quoted Text
YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.)
In my dreams I am beautiful; I
could light up the world with my
smile.

YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.)
And though I found love to
surrender, my heart is now broken
in two.

YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.)
For when I awake I will tell the
world...

YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.)
That lost in my dreams, I am you.


Again - to me anyway - the theme for each of these really is that despite her omnipotence (stated in first series of VOs) - she has the same Achilles heal that we all do - a heart that cab be broken. That thought should be expressed in a single VO.

And this one:

YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.)
That lost in my dreams, I am you.
[/quote]

Should stand on its own - it really is what moves us forward into the story.

In terms of dialogue - places where it is solid and places where I think you lose the voice of the characters. I see this is set back in time somewhere - not exactly sure when, but is surely not modern day - the setting is almost quaint. But then some of the dialogue brings me back to today because there are words and lines that are too modern. Examples:


Quoted Text
OMAR
Oh, hey, Ileana. Címere, check this
out!


Should be something like - Ileana - come.I have something to show you.


Quoted Text
OMAR
Arpeggiating the chord. Ha ha --
shut the front door!


Shut the front door - a phrase invented in the last ten years - not right here.


Quoted Text
ILEANA
OK... bye. Best of luck with your
freak show.


Maybe - good fortune on your circus act


Quoted Text
ROMIUS
I didnít know that, itís kind of
sweet actually. My dreams usually
suck -- unless theyíre about me
hitting a homer in the big
league... those dreams are


So Romius says "sucks" and Ileana says:


Quoted Text

ILEANA
Poppycock. As far as traveling
farmhands go, daddy adores you.


"Poppycock" - Like two people talking to each other from different era.

So - it kind of took me out - on one hand I have these characters set in a small old timey village somewhere. sometimes they use words applicable to that setting but at other times they all sound like they were talking in 2017.  I think you need to go through the dialogue and see if each line is appropriate for the setting you have established.

Anyway - a lot of good stuff in the script. Hope this helps. Best of luck.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Canis
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 12:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dave,

Thank you kindly for the feedback, I truly appreciate it. This script is my attempt to resurrect the iconic movies of yesteryear (Iím actually thinking Disney and their penchant for the dark and surreal) but, with a modern day twist. I did want to remain true to the period dialog (somewhere around the Second World War) and, Ileana being thrust into a strange world where the future meets the past, however, as you state, it might come off as a little too up front in the first few pages. I think I will tweak the dialog in the first few to be a little more consistent with the years involved.

As the story progresses, it really does take a bizarre twist into a future not yet realized and, I may or may not have immersed Ileanaís character into this world with a mindset that would resonate properly with someone who actually experienced what she doesÖ I will most likely have to revisit those scenes and analyze the dialog to determine if it comes off as realistic.

Anyways, the opening scene(s) is where I wanted to pull the reader into Ileanaís world. Her consistent dreamscape that integrates itself into everything she is and does and, of course, her love for Romius that integrates itself into those dreams; captured as little memories that play out in her head as she takes us on a journey into her world. Memories she can only create, for she never truly goes anywhere, at leastÖ not yet.

Iíll definitely consider your approach and revisit the opening scenes, and poetic verse, to determine how I might better integrate them into the narrative. I like your idea of it being more succinct, however, it (poetic delivery) does show up again a little later on and, we truly get a sense of why she speaks these words.

Thanks again. Please let me know if I can return a read for you, till thenÖ
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eldave1
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 4:08pm Report to Moderator
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You are welcome - good luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: February 22nd, 2017, 3:06am Report to Moderator
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Wow, Rick. This sure is ambitious, surreal, poetic. I could nipick stuff, and I admit to getting lost in some parts but the imagery, the visuals are pretty darned spectacular too.

I'm gonna nitpick btw.

I loved the visual of the train filled with water. Really terrific image.

I'm probably one of the few who is not a fan of Alice In Wonderland. As a child I found it tedious and the surreal elements scared the heck out of me. This has the right balance of realism and fantastical elements.

I'm trying to figure out the audience with this, though. It's definitely adult but it makes me think of 3D animation like The Polar Express.

I'm not a fan of these types of transitions:

LOST IN A
NIGHTMARE

Meaning, I'm not convinced they should be formatted like this. I'd prefer it written in action.

I really don't know what I'm looking at here: -

piŤce de rťsistance... a derelict piano made
circus freak.

Ileana stares bluntly... itís a typical scene.

Do you mean 'blankly'? It's a typical scene?
Do you mean this is typical father/daughter interaction, him working in his workshop etc?

Girlfriends or wives
I'd write 'and wives' or just women folk, cause I imagine there'd be plenty of mothers seeing off sons too.


They stand embraced,
They embrace or: they stand, embracing

'Holy Marconi' very funny.

I like the character names too, particularly Nebulous and Miss Livelier. Btw, the latter character reads older to me, a mentor type figure. Then again I don't know where you're going with her. She lost someone when she was younger? What, like as a child? I don't think you need Cap astral dust. She reads older (like I said) or as a returning soul to me.

Be aware of 'is sat', particularly a Brit thing that.   'sits' will suffice imh.

Remain the spool...
I think another word other than 'remain' would be better here, considering this is a pivotal plot point. Hmm, I dunno... it's as if she's casting a spell/magic.

Some descriptions I do think you get a bit carried away with. Example below:

caresses it like
a luminescent silk pet.

It's the less is more thing for me. Your writing impresses me when it's less overloaded. Your standout descriptions make more of an impression when you interweave with plainer writing. Get me?

What is your major malfunction --!

I agree with Dave's observation re consistency with flavour/era of language. That sentence, though quirky, pulled me up a bit.

Some transition/scene header POV seems in order with this new shot:

A big luxury convertible, with huge antlers on the hood,
comes up the driveway and skids to a halt near the barn. ...


cause
there fat and neurotic
cause they're fat... Typo

I'd hyphenate 'mud-pie', assume he's addressing her. Cute.

Ileana caught that, she letís out a curious grin. (bit past/present tense combo)
Ileana catches it, grins.
Typo btw, 'lets'

Will leave it there for now. Try and come back later.

Great stuff! Just peg it back a bit.

Did you do all that music and the graphics as well? Wow, again.

A lot of work's gone into this. That's obvious. A passion project for sure.

You're obviously one talented cookie.




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Canis
Posted: February 22nd, 2017, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Libby,

Wow! Thank you so much for the feedback, and kind words I truly appreciate you and Dave getting into the front end of this cause, I think thatís where I had the most issues (story wise), in trying to solidify the first act. The rest is probably a mess too but, we wonít go into that yet, lol.


Quoted from LC
I'm probably one of the few who is not a fan of Alice In Wonderland. As a child I found it tedious and the surreal elements scared the heck out of me. This has the right balance of realism and fantastical elements.
I'm trying to figure out the audience with this, though. It's definitely adult but it makes me think of 3D animation like The Polar Express.


I agree, this is not for everyone. Without using characters from the original Alice in Wonderland, and/or Wizard of Oz, some might actually consider this as fan fiction. I really didnít have a core vision for this in terms of stop motion animation, CGI, etc. but, I did have an idea of it being surreal. I actually (and this happens all the time for some weird reason) caught a movie on Netflix about a week after I submitted this script, called ĎJack and the Cuckoo-Clock Heartí, and I was like ďHoly shit!Ē thatís the vision of Arpeggio Garden that I had in mind, but couldnít quite place it; the characters, the music, the scene settings, the entire atmosphere of the movie was on par with what I was trying to envision. Anyway, that movie will definitely help me get in the right mindset if I write a prequel or sequel for this script.

I believe it was made in France (Jack and the Cuckoo-Clock Heart), maybe Iíll look up that studio and just fire off this script to them; If they blacklist me for solicitingÖ meh, fuq Ďem, lol.


Quoted from LC
I'm not a fan of these types of transitions:
LOST IN A NIGHTMARE


Ya, Iím on the fence about them as well. They popped up in a few scripts as of late and I thought Iíd see how they went over. I will definitely reconsider in a rewrite.


Quoted from LC
I really don't know what I'm looking at here: - piŤce de rťsistance... a derelict piano made
circus freak. Ileana stares bluntly... itís a typical scene.
Do you mean 'blankly'? It's a typical scene?
Do you mean this is typical father/daughter interaction, him working in his workshop etc?


Yes, Omar likes to tinker with things. Heís converted an old piano into a strange musical apparatus that the reindeer can play to get a reward. Kind of like those chickens at the fair that will play tic-tac-toe with you for grain feed. The typical scene is him working in the barn creating strange machines; hence all the broken radios and stuff lying around.

Most, if not all of the set up in the first act is so I can turn it on its head (antithesis) in the second act. This is similar to Dorothy and the characters she creates (in her coma) via her real world acquaintances, situations, etc.

ĎBlanklyí sounds better though, like sheís unfazed at Omar, or the reindeer, and their behavior.


Quoted from LC
I like the character names too, particularly Nebulous and Miss Livelier. Btw, the latter character reads older to me, a mentor type figure. Then again I don't know where you're going with her. She lost someone when she was younger? What, like as a child? I don't think you need Cap astral dust. She reads older (like I said) or as a returning soul to me.


She is a bit of a quagmire and, does show up later on as well. I struggled with her age and appearance throughout the script but, believe you make a good point re: her being a mentor and thus, should present as an older figure of wisdom and timely values. I will definitely reconsider her age/appearance based on her particular archetype (mentor). The lost person is actually her separation from Ileana when she (Ileana) was just a child. I may have to tweak that dialog to better represent what she means.


Quoted from LC
I agree with Dave's observation re consistency with flavour/era of language. That sentence, though quirky, pulled me up a bit.


I agree with you both. So much that Iíve already found a web page dedicated to slang sayings, etc. for various decades and will swap out some of the dialog that doesnít ring true for that era.

Re: music and graphics. Yes, itís definitely been a labor of love (and hate, lol). The music went through so many iterations that I donít even have the entire score for some of the tracks (some of the book displays full chord progressions throughout and, some are just hack jobs); a bad habit of mine when I donít like something I wrote and start hacking away at it with an eraser, only to realize later that I fuqed it all up, lol. Itís all good.

Thanks again, Libby, for the kind words. Iím truly glad you found this somewhat entertaining and, all the feedback will definitely assist me to clean up the first act. I tell you, finding typos in a script is a hard, finding them when thereís 135 pages of them is a nightmare. I must have read this thing 20 times before I submitted, and I still missed out on quite a few, so, thanks for the keen eye

Please let me know if I can return the read for you. I see you have ĎSimpaticoí up on the front page, I sincerely hope that gets picked up, best of luck!
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