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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Black Veil Moderators: bert
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  Author    Black Veil  (currently 620 views)
Don
Posted: June 16th, 2017, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Black Veil by Eve Marie Kazaros - Sci Fi, Fantasy - The Black Veil isn’t just a bomb that changed the entire face of the Earth forever; she’s a troubled girl who holds the potential to either save the world, or finish destroying it. Abilene Larkin is the Black Veil, the fastest gunslinger in the whole broken-Earth.  Her journey begins with a personal vendetta to kill the men responsible for murdering her family, but what she finds along the way are fellow lost souls, reluctant heroes, and a mission greater than her own revenge. 114 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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EMK
Posted: June 19th, 2017, 7:35am Report to Moderator
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Originally written as a one hour TV Series.  The script is also being offered as trilogy movie series.  The genre is a science fiction, action/adventure that is set in a post-apocalyptic, Steampunk inspired world.

Two underlying story themes are at odds in this action-packed story.  One idea revolves around a protected, technologically advanced people that have given up their freedom, and privacy for safety, and an addiction to technology.

The other is a story of human nature this is set in an environment without technology and restrictions.  No safety is guaranteed. No freedom is guaranteed.  It is a world where the pursuit of happiness and the pursuit of power and greed run wild.

When these two ideals collide what kind of world will Abilene chose to save?
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TonyDionisio
Posted: June 23rd, 2017, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Marie,

I suggest a new approach regarding your logline which could help to garner some more reads.

A gunslinger who remains driven to avenge her family's slaughter must navigate a post apocalyptic world in order to ____ before ____ happens.

Here is a great format to hook people into your story.

This: "It is a world where the pursuit of happiness and the pursuit of power and greed run wild." unfortunately doesn't work to communicate what one will find within your pages.

Hope this helps.
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eldave1
Posted: June 23rd, 2017, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from TonyDionisio
Marie,

I suggest a new approach regarding your logline which could help to garner some more reads.

A gunslinger who remains driven to avenge her family's slaughter must navigate a post apocalyptic world in order to ____ before ____ happens.

Here is a great format to hook people into your story.

This: "It is a world where the pursuit of happiness and the pursuit of power and greed run wild." unfortunately doesn't work to communicate what one will find within your pages.

Hope this helps.


That's damn good advice


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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EMK
Posted: June 25th, 2017, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much.  I think that is the perfect way to summarize it.  I will definitely change it before I start the query letter process.

For some reason I had a hard time condensing this particular story into one log line.  There were too many details running around in my head.  I couldn't seem to grasp just one, but you nailed it.  And I sincerely thank you for that.
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EMK
Posted: October 6th, 2017, 7:21am Report to Moderator
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Do you guys think this would be better off pitched as a 3 part movie series, like Maze Runner and other similar films?  Or do you think I should try to pitch it as a two hour TV series premier.
With the outline I have for the storyline it could go either way, but I was just wondering how it reads.  Does it feel "movie" or "tv" series?

Thanks!
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TonyDionisio
Posted: October 6th, 2017, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Quoted from EMK
Do you guys think this would be better off pitched as a 3 part movie series, like Maze Runner and other similar films?  Or do you think I should try to pitch it as a two hour TV series premier.
With the outline I have for the storyline it could go either way, but I was just wondering how it reads.  Does it feel "movie" or "tv" series?

Thanks!


No. Your story should be perfected within Fade in to Fade out and stand on its own.

Of course, having  IP elements that allow a trilogy can't hurt and should garner a mention.
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EMK
Posted: October 12th, 2017, 7:50am Report to Moderator
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Got it.  Thanks.  I *think* it could work either way.  I have a feeling I'd have better luck getting a foot in the door with the movie industry.  

Does anybody have opinions on how it reads? (That's a can of worms question, right?)   Movie vs. TV?  Plot holes or major screw-ups I missed?  General impressions?
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FMLS
Posted: October 19th, 2017, 12:31pm Report to Moderator
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If you want it as a feature, make it sure it works as a standalone movie. Glancing over the last page, it seems like you end things on a major cliffhanger. Fine for a TV pilot, but not so much for a movie.

Personally, I wouldn't pitch it as a trilogy. Remember that the Maze Runner was a successful book series long before being put to the big screen -- your spec doesn't have the same benefit. Try sell it as a stand alone, and keep doors open for a sequel.

Also wouldn't pitch it as a 2 hour pilot lol.  

That's double the time slots your show'd take up, making it that much harder for a traditional network to pick you up. The extra length also makes it much more of a chore to read. If Game of Thrones and Rome can do it in 60 pages, you can too.
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EMK
Posted: October 21st, 2017, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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It's easy enough to cut in half.  It was originally 56 pages of the first episode.  Then I wrote the second episode of around another 56 pages.  Then I thought "hey, why not try for a movie series".  It felt "big" enough to me.  

Okay, I'll have to decide what I want to do as far as pitching it.  I do believe I will go ahead and turn it into a series of novels.   The story arch is already mapped out from beginning to end.

Thanks!  Always open to more input!
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EMK
Posted: November 22nd, 2017, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Dear simply scripts.  Thank you for hosting all these wonderful scripts.  I recently had a computer problem and lost all my documents including this script!  But thanks to you I still have one final copy.  I did back up my files on USB, but having the most recent version hosted here is a life saver!

THANK YOU!
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