SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 12:42pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  King of Blades Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 6 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    King of Blades  (currently 931 views)
Don
Posted: September 21st, 2017, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
King of Blades by Paul Hikari - Sci Fi, Fantasy, Action, Drama, Sports, Slice of Life - Makoto Yamasaki, a perceptive but apathetic combat athlete, travels to the space colony Arcadia and enters the Children of the Earth competition, where she meets and bonds with other competitors and denizens of the colony. 115 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
eldave1
Posted: September 22nd, 2017, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Paul:

Took a look at the first few pages - the descriptions/actions are way over-written. Almost novel-like. They are getting in the way of your story. Just my opinion.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
PrussianMosby
Posted: November 24th, 2017, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
Hey Paul,

Good title and logline…

Read to page 45 and then checked out the ending…

As an adolescent "real life" SF (like Maze Runner etc.) it felt too linear and monotonous to me.

As an animation movie for smaller kids it'd work well imo. I could imagine this as a "Manga-style" animation flick, feel good/friendship topics, easy to get relationships and conflicts, bound with some action.

I didn't truly understand why you gave so much words to the characters' physical appearance but then left out so much visual desriptions in case of the colony world, this strange VR simulator, hotel, waterpark etc etc.

You left a lot to my imagination there but because of the pleasantly short-kept and quick, bantering dialogue, it was really easy to continue to read and follow the plot.

All in all this is a well-minded harmony flick that could have its place out there.

Good protagonist. Plot might be a little too simple and linear, a little mystery and twist could help at some points.

Whatever, it does work.

Best regards



Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006