SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
Welcome, Guest.
It is October 19th, 2018, 5:58pm
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login

If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship

Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration

Click here for theme and genre

The Night Gallery 7 Week Challenge

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the and domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  The Broken Cross Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Broken Cross  (currently 491 views)
Posted: January 9th, 2018, 10:36pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

Posts Per Day
The Broken Cross by Steve Yoon - Sci Fi, Fantasy - An elite squad of World War II Soldiers travel back in time to the 14th century on a mission to destroy Hitler and his army of Steampunk Nazi Knights. Itís a cross between Saving Private Ryan and Lord of the Rings. 111 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Visit for what is new on the site.

You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Site Private Message
Posted: January 10th, 2018, 5:06pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day

Read the whole thing and I have just a few points.

**Spoilers below**

First of all, I thought the story was interesting, so good job on that.  And I had an easy time reading through it due to your writing, which always makes it a little easier to get through things!  

In saying that, some places you do a little more writing than you need to.  For instance, on page 4 you write:

Stein sits on the ground carving a notch in the wooden
buttstock of his M1 rifle. All together there are a total of
eight notches signifying the number of German Soldiers he has

This was just after they killed some Nazi soldiers.  When you wrote the first sentence there, I knew exactly what he was doing.  Seeing the eight notches was nice, but there's no need to write it signifies the number of soldiers he's killed.  That first sentence painted the picture pretty well.  

There's a few more instances like that throughout, where there's a little over writing.  Not much mind you, but enough that I noticed.  

On page 23 you wrote:

The scene is hectic. SCIENTISTS in white lab coats scurry
about making final adjustments. The Squad walk around the
Saucer-shaped Craft in the center of the room.

You say the scene is hectic, then go onto say how the scene is hectic.  Just show us how it's hectic, and that first sentence could be abolished all together.  

You use the word "then" a lot.  Not that it's a bad word to use, it's just how you use it.  It kind of slowed the read down for me.  For example, page 65:

Just then, thereís a low RUMBLE coming from the forest edge.
A cavalry unit of Nazi Knights BURSTS from behind the wall of
trees to the side of the battlefield.

The "Just then" frustrates me a little, because when else is it going to be?  If you're writing it, it's happening right now.  Know what I mean?  

You have many more instances like that where you use "then", and it really sticks out like a sore thumb.  The reason I say that is because the rest of your writing really flows.  So maybe take a look at it.

On page 105:

Fitzgerald pushes her back and they both fall to the floor.
Nazi Soldiers behind him begin to move but freeze when Krahe
yells out.
Back! Heís mine.

This seems a little reversed.  Maybe you should have her actually yell before you have them freeze.  I know what you mean, but it reads like they freeze, then she yells.  Now, I doubt anyone would actually film it like that, but you get the picture.  it's nit picky, but just something I noticed.  

On page 107 the scenes are a little confusing.  You write that there's a spark of light... in both scenes with Hitler.  Are we seeing the same spark?  Or did Turner shoot twice?  

That's all I've got for you.  These are just minor things that I noticed.  I enjoyed the plot, thought it was executed well.  However, I'm not sure about the atomic bomb at the end.  That seems a little extreme.  

Anyhow, good luck with it!

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 3
Posted: January 22nd, 2018, 5:33pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day

Sorry itís taken me a while to reply. I donít usually visit this site but I will from now on!

I read through your notes and have to really thank you for your perspective. Great feedback! Itís tough for me at times to know how much is too much and your advice will definitely help me streamline my story.

But most of all, I have to thank you for taking the time to read the script. I posted this script because I really enjoyed writing it and just wanted to share the story with people in the hopes that someone out there will have a good time reading it.

I mean, isnít that the true goal of a writer? To write something that a reader will enjoy. I guess, Iíve just been missing that type of interaction. You know, between a writer and a reader.

So thanks again for the read. Hope you had a good time.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 3
Posted: January 24th, 2018, 3:15pm Report to Moderator

Posts Per Day
You're quite welcome.

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 3
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on

Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006