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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  The Broken Cross Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Broken Cross  (currently 491 views)
Don
Posted: January 9th, 2018, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Broken Cross by Steve Yoon - Sci Fi, Fantasy - An elite squad of World War II Soldiers travel back in time to the 14th century on a mission to destroy Hitler and his army of Steampunk Nazi Knights. Itís a cross between Saving Private Ryan and Lord of the Rings. 111 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Nolan
Posted: January 10th, 2018, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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Steve,

Read the whole thing and I have just a few points.

**Spoilers below**

First of all, I thought the story was interesting, so good job on that.  And I had an easy time reading through it due to your writing, which always makes it a little easier to get through things!  

In saying that, some places you do a little more writing than you need to.  For instance, on page 4 you write:

Stein sits on the ground carving a notch in the wooden
buttstock of his M1 rifle. All together there are a total of
eight notches signifying the number of German Soldiers he has
killed.

This was just after they killed some Nazi soldiers.  When you wrote the first sentence there, I knew exactly what he was doing.  Seeing the eight notches was nice, but there's no need to write it signifies the number of soldiers he's killed.  That first sentence painted the picture pretty well.  

There's a few more instances like that throughout, where there's a little over writing.  Not much mind you, but enough that I noticed.  

On page 23 you wrote:

The scene is hectic. SCIENTISTS in white lab coats scurry
about making final adjustments. The Squad walk around the
Saucer-shaped Craft in the center of the room.

You say the scene is hectic, then go onto say how the scene is hectic.  Just show us how it's hectic, and that first sentence could be abolished all together.  

You use the word "then" a lot.  Not that it's a bad word to use, it's just how you use it.  It kind of slowed the read down for me.  For example, page 65:

Just then, thereís a low RUMBLE coming from the forest edge.
A cavalry unit of Nazi Knights BURSTS from behind the wall of
trees to the side of the battlefield.

The "Just then" frustrates me a little, because when else is it going to be?  If you're writing it, it's happening right now.  Know what I mean?  

You have many more instances like that where you use "then", and it really sticks out like a sore thumb.  The reason I say that is because the rest of your writing really flows.  So maybe take a look at it.

On page 105:

Fitzgerald pushes her back and they both fall to the floor.
Nazi Soldiers behind him begin to move but freeze when Krahe
yells out.
KRAHE
(German)
Back! Heís mine.

This seems a little reversed.  Maybe you should have her actually yell before you have them freeze.  I know what you mean, but it reads like they freeze, then she yells.  Now, I doubt anyone would actually film it like that, but you get the picture.  it's nit picky, but just something I noticed.  

On page 107 the scenes are a little confusing.  You write that there's a spark of light... in both scenes with Hitler.  Are we seeing the same spark?  Or did Turner shoot twice?  

That's all I've got for you.  These are just minor things that I noticed.  I enjoyed the plot, thought it was executed well.  However, I'm not sure about the atomic bomb at the end.  That seems a little extreme.  

Anyhow, good luck with it!

Nolan
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ChannoYoon
Posted: January 22nd, 2018, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Nolan,

Sorry itís taken me a while to reply. I donít usually visit this site but I will from now on!

I read through your notes and have to really thank you for your perspective. Great feedback! Itís tough for me at times to know how much is too much and your advice will definitely help me streamline my story.

But most of all, I have to thank you for taking the time to read the script. I posted this script because I really enjoyed writing it and just wanted to share the story with people in the hopes that someone out there will have a good time reading it.

I mean, isnít that the true goal of a writer? To write something that a reader will enjoy. I guess, Iíve just been missing that type of interaction. You know, between a writer and a reader.

So thanks again for the read. Hope you had a good time.

Steve
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Nolan
Posted: January 24th, 2018, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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You're quite welcome.

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