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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  The Conduit Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 12th, 2018, 9:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Conduit by Richard Kodai and Laszlo Tamasfi - Sci Fi, Fantasy, Horror - A family of four goes on a vacation to a remote island where they encounter a dangerous entity whose existence they can't fully understand. 84 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Zombie Sean
Posted: May 15th, 2018, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Nurse is in the middle of gathering some dirty linen, but
pauses and gives Rhea the evil-eye. Most nurses are
superstitious about getting jinxed, and few things get them
more uneasy than someone calling their shift "quiet". He
decided to let it go.


The part about nurses being superstitious either must go, or written in a way that the camera can see/hear it. Instead of writing exposition in the description, maybe have the Nurse mention to Rhea how stating that a shift is quiet can jinx it. She is new after all, so maybe she doesn't know this and Nurse informs her. The camera can't read his mind, after all. (I'm guilty of this too and am also trying to work on it).

Same with...


Quoted Text
It's very violent, and it feels like he's crushing the Patient's chest in the process.


Only write what the camera can see, which you've already described with the Nurse's compressions being forceful, elbows straight, all of his weight going into it.

Additionally,


Quoted Text
Rhea stands there, devastated. She just got yelled at by a
doctor for being incompetent.


...you can take out the second sentence. We already know that she got yelled at by a doctor for being incompetent.


Quoted Text
Cut to:
BLACK.
RHEA
You could hear every bone break in
the guy.
Cut to:


Transitions usually go on the right side of the page. I'd suggest writing it as "CUT TO BLACK." on the right, then "OVER BLACK:" on the left-hand page before Rhea's dialogue. Then "CUT TO:" should be on the right-hand page again (however, the CUT TO is also a bit redundant since the slug "EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY" indicates a cut, but no biggie.


Quoted Text
It's a summer day, and palm trees line up at the side of the
road. Palm trees, and power lines.


The second mention of 'palm trees' is redundant. This line could be written as "It's a summer day, and palm trees and power lines line up at the side of the road"

Also, include (O.S.) or (V.O.) for Rhea's dialogue "He was eighty years old" since we're outside of the SUV.

The whole license plate game is confusing. I have no idea what they're saying, or how they're getting these words from the license plates.

Does Grandpa have an actual name? If he's going to be a part of the story, I feel as though he should have more of a name than just "Grandpa". At least, like, Grandpa Joe or Grandpa Mark or something.

They unplug everything once they enter the home? Interesting...Oh, okay, they apparently do family vacations where they go off the grid. Interesting that they're doing it in a home, on an island. I figured people typically "went off the grid" by going backpacking in the wilderness, or climbing a mountain, or something like that.

So on page 4, Rhea mentions that that the trip will be more "family therapy than a real vacation" because they're "a complicated bunch". Right now, it doesn't seem that way at all. This family is really loving toward one another. The only complication I'm seeing is with Terri and this wet washcloth she keeps cooling herself off with. Otherwise, this family seems like one picture-perfect bunch. I thought that there would be some arguing, fighting, disagreements, etc. Family drama, ya know?

Please give the Fisherman a name if he's going to be sticking around for this long.

I'm on page 54 and I think I am going to stop here. There seems to be a lot of work that still need to be done to this screenplay. Lots of errors riddled throughout, lots of commentary that shouldn't be there, mainly because the camera can't see it and you're telling us instead of showing us. The dialogue needs some work too. Everyone sounds the same so maybe change up their personalities a bit. Make Grandpa a crabby old man, Stephen could be an over-protective father, Miles could  be a nerdy, quiet kid who doesn't talk that much...just something to differentiate the characters from one another as they all seem to blend into each other. Work on the family dynamic and give them that "complication" that Rhea had mentioned at the beginning of the script.

Hopefully this all helps!


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Zombie Sean  -  May 15th, 2018, 3:02pm
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