Hey man, got to page 51. Will finish it tomorrow.
Okay, so far, I like it. I thought it would be your typical run-of-the-mill action thriller. I was proven wrong. The first thing I noticed when I read this was how crisp your descriptions were... they felt very pro. The first scene was awesome. It set up the script perfectly.
I also loved the car chase on page 37/ 38... this was the first car chase that I read, and was actually like "damn, that was very well written." It was written crisply, and it was very effective.
I also loved Olisnky's "traitor" dialogue on page 40. It was very well written, and expanded on a theme of the script.
I will finish this script tomorrow, but so far I am impressed. The dialogue was spot on for this genre, and as I said, your descriptions were pro. The story moved very fast, and I found no problem with the plot.
I did, however, find a bit of problem with the structure. I can't see who the main character is, which makes it hard to emphasise with any of the characters. I have a feeling that you aimed for Bay to be the main character, but yet Parker, Bishop and even Olinsky share as much screen time as Bay.
I also noted some other things that need correction:
Page 1- Give the two Mafioso names; it makes it more personal mate.
Page 1- Cut rid of "we'll call him", and simply write; "The passenger side window slowly rolls down -- a shadowy figure inside; VLADAMIR GINADI"
Page 2- You tells us that the character is called The Mole. But he is wearing a mask, so how do we know it's The Mole? It would be better to write; "An INTRUDER, wearing black clothing, a black mask, and gripping a silencer". Later, when we see The Mole, you can tell the reader that The Mole was the earlier intruder. I just don't think you should introduce a character without us seeing his face... As we don't know that it actually is that character (if that makes sense?).
Page 2- "SNAPPH! A SHOT to the left thigh" should be; "SNAPPH! A SHOT to Henry's left thigh", as you don't tell us who gets shot... I know it's pretty obvious, but The Mole's gun could have accidently gone off.
Page 3- "SNAPPH! -- SNAPPH! -- Two more SHOTS, right in the chest.", should be; "SNAPPH! -- SNAPPH! -- Two more SHOTS, hit Henry right in the chest."
Page 3- "The mole drags the lifeless body..." ; The Mole's name needs a capital letter mate.
Page 4- Parker's dialogue; I think you should end it, as opposed to letting it trail off. Just end the sentence, then cut to the next scene.
Page 4- Get rid of the "CUT TO", it's not necassary here mate.
Page 6- "A reception desk, a pretty girl there." You then introduce he "pretty girl" as Linda. I think you should write the sentence as "A reception desk. Sitting behind it is LINDA, a pretty girl.", or something similar.
After reading page 8/9 (Bishop addressing the Core), I think it would be better if on page 6, when Linda says "Hey" to Bay, she says "Good morning Bay." This lets the audience know that this man is Bay.
Page 10- Dr Reinald; you never introduce him, just start with his dialogue. Introduce him homie.
Page 11- Cut out the "CUT TO"; it's not needed here mate. I only use "CUT TO" when I want a very rapid cut to next scene... such as a quick flashback of sort.
Page 12- Are "Research Tech" and "Com Tech" the same person? Because Research Tech talks to Bishop, but then suddenly, without any introductions, Com Tech joins the convo.
Page 13- Parker suddenly joins the convo, with a phone to his ear. I think you need an action line to tell us that he enters the convo. Something simple like "Parker, phone to his ear joins Bishop and the Research Tech".
Page 15- "Parker hands it to a the research tech."; as "the research tech" is a character, her name needs to be in
Page 15- "INT. / EXT. THE CORE/ STREET - NIGHT"; I don't understand what that means? Usually, INT. / EXT. locations are used for cars (when you want to show what's going on outside), and I don't really understand what you are going for here mate- I don't understand how a scene can be cut between the core and a street. Plus, you say it is an INT. / EXT. scene, but I don't see any EXT. locations... all action seems to take place in the core.
Page 16- Scrap what I just said above, I see what you were going for. Apologies!
Page 18- Researcher's dialogue; "Barnhart's been going to Seinshin for several years" should be made clearer. I only knew this was the dojo that Bay uses, as I read in the scene header. An audience might not know. The dialogue should be something like: "Barnhart's been going to Seinshin dojo for several years"...
Page 23- No need for "CUT TO" again mate... try not to use them.
Page 23- See, now you should introduce the Mole as THE MOLE. This is the first time we see him; on the film, we wouldn't know the masked intruder is the Mole.
Page 26- "Bay catches a glimpse of mobile one"... Mobile One's name needs to be in capitals mate.
Page 29- Gable's dialogue; "...could duplicate the aftermath of September eleventh?". I think it would sound more natural if he said "9/11" as opposed to "September eleventh".
Page 32- No "CUT TO" mate
Page 33- "The tema begins to report new information" What is a "tema" mate?
Page 34- "CUT TO" again... get rid of it
Page 35- "Bay steps outside, everyone looking suspicious to him now." ; That sentence sounds weird... I think "Bay steps outside, everyone looks at him suspiciously."
Page 35- Mobile One's name needs to be capitalised.
Page 38- Bishop's dialogue; "That shouldn't happen!" should be a bit more emotive... I mean shit, you say he explodes, but all you show of him "exploding" is an exclamation mark. Say something like; "Fu*ck! How the he*ll did this happen?!"
Page 39- This description; "Olinsky sits at the bar, making love to his scotch. He is down in the mouth, alone in more ways than one." sounds weird, man. "Making love to his scotch" is odd, as is "down in the mouth". Change that a bit matey.
Page 41- "LANDON (26) is a conspirator.", that sounds a bit odd. How do we know she's a conspirator?
Page 44/45/46- Bay and Landon's conversation seems a bit on-the-nose... Bay tells Landon stuff we have already seen... The scene goes on for too long... it's a straight-up dialogue scene... eiher slim it down, or add some action mate.
Page 47- "The only two people in the room that night were fifteen-yea-old"; "fifteen-YEAR-old".
Page 48/49/50/51- Trim Landon and Bay's dialogue... This scene drags on for way too much.
Page 51- Get rid of the "CUT TO".
But yeah, I did enjoy this. I will finish the review tomorrow.
Cheers, Toby.