SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 19th, 2017, 10:07am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
Always Looking for Good Short Scripts and Good Short Script Reviewers

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Supernetics (was Not So Superhero) Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Supernetics (was Not So Superhero)  (currently 1387 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 9:20am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
11345
Posts Per Day
1.87
Supernetics (was Not So Superhero) by Nolan Bryand - Action, Adventure - Noah Irving (Kamikaze), the world's only super powered human, tries to adjust to normal life after a near cataclysmic event grants everyone in the world some type of super power.  When a power hungry mad man goes berserk, the need for Kamikaze arises once again. 100 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
SimplyScripts  -  June 9th, 2017, 4:07pm
revised draft
Logged
Site Private Message
Nolan
Posted: December 7th, 2016, 6:18am Report to Moderator
Purple


Posts
179
Posts Per Day
0.27
Hey guys, if anyone's willing to read this and provide some feedback it would be appreciated!  I'll reciprocate any reads that I get, just let me know what you want me to read.  I'd like to enter this into some competitions, but I'm sure it could be a lot better.  

Thanks,

Nolan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 18
Waleed
Posted: December 15th, 2016, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
11
Posts Per Day
0.02
Hey Nolan! I gave it a quick read. Liked the story. Very mainstream, but it works for me. Not sure how it will translate with all the effects going on, but that's a whole other thing entirely. I've got a few notes if you care to read them

Masked Man 1 drops the grenade on the floor. He scrambles to
pick it up. The pin remains in.
MASKED MAN 1
Jesus Christ, watch it up there.

1. I get that this is for comic relief, but it doesn't further the story. Especially since, this is the only scene where we get to see these characters. Maybe bring them back as super baddies later on?

KAMIKAZE
Out.
The Driver nods his head nervously. His seat belt snaps him
back in place as he tries to exit the car.
He shakes as he reaches for the seat belt and un-clicks it.
DRIVER
Safety first.
The Driver exits the car.
Kamikaze points to the officers.
The Driver nods his head and walks towards them.

2. Really liked this scene. Had a good laugh and felt the exposition was done well.

EARNEST
Get to know it. You donít have
anything else to do tonight, right?
Julia shakes her head.
EARNEST (CONTíD)
Didnít think so.

3. Consider changing the dialogue. ď Get to know itĒ sounds a bit off to me. Also, I think it would add to more douchebaggery if she actually had plans , and he ignores them and makes her do the work instead. Itís a clichť, but play up the drama.

4. NASA, all caps, always.

RANDOM PERSON
Quiet, heís about to talk.
Everyone becomes silent.

5. Consider dialogue change to a common shhh. Its more human.

6.The montage scene has a little too many examples, I would suggest to limit them to three so the audience understands that people are getting their powers without it getting to draggy.

7. How about making the little girl save herself? Just a suggestion. But I think it hits the message that they donít need Kamikaze anymore.

8.Consider shortening the conversation between Noah and Eric to just:
NOAH
Hey, Eric?
Eric
Yeah?
Noah
I need that favourÖ

9. Not exactly sure why Earnest would call Julia a slut? Itís a bit crude for someone so refined. A more sophisticated insult would better suit him.

Overall, Good Job!

A few more concerns were on your scene descriptions. e.g INT. JULIA'S DESK - DAY. You should add a bit more into it, i.e. INT. GAMBLING MAN MAIN OFFICE. JULIA'S DESK- DAY.
Especially when your previous scene takes place in a completely different location.

Also, consider shortening your action descriptions. I admire how detailed you were and the clear pictures you've painted, but it's not necessary to give a blow by blow account of what's going on. As long as the gist of the action is understood, you're golden.

Just my two cents on all this. Really good work! I suggest go over the dialogue once more and throw in a little more drama for our main hero. Maybe start him off as also slightly arrogant or over confident about his abilities so he can see a reflection of himself in Earnest. And Julia's character needs more...character. The script is clearly aimed towards a more male demographic. I'm not saying turn Julia into Wonder woman, but give her a little but more than just being the klutzy love interest that saves the day.

Hope this helps! XD



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 18
Nolan
Posted: December 15th, 2016, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Posts
179
Posts Per Day
0.27
Waleed,

Thank you for your comment!  Glad you liked it.

Great points about everything, I will certainly take them into consideration for a re-write.  I was kind of worried about the character of Julia, so thanks for pointing that out.  I'll have to come up with an angle for her.  And yeah, "slut" may be a little out of character for Earnest to say.

I like the idea of making Noah over confident, I think that would really work well with the whole dynamic of the story.  

With regards to the over description, I suppose I just really wanted to paint a good picture in the reader's eye, so perhaps I did go overboard.  I'll have to think hard about that one in the re-write.  I seem to switch back and forth in my writing between very short, staccato sentences, to longer, more descriptive sentences.  This script was obviously the ladder.  I wanted this one to have more of a flow to it.  

With regards to point 1, were you talking about the whole scene or just that one particular instant?  My intent was to just give the reader a picture of Kamikaze, and I needed someway to introduce him.  I'm sure I could come up with something different however.  

NASA, missed that one.  Good pick up!

I'll be taking another look at this, and seeing if I can clean it up a bit.  

Thanks again for your comments, it's greatly appreciated!  If you want me to read anything of yours, drop me a line and just let me know when.

Nolan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 18
eldave1
Posted: December 15th, 2016, 9:22pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
2615
Posts Per Day
2.28
Read 15.

Not sure this would not be better classified as a comedy.

I like the premise. Action sequences are generally well done.

I found some of the dialogue poor. In the scene with the President and the Doctor, for example, neither one of them talk like I would expect for their positions. Same with the President at the press conference. Guess to me that sounded comic-book ish. But that might be what you are going to.

Best of luck - like I said, the premise is a good one.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 18
Nolan
Posted: December 15th, 2016, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Posts
179
Posts Per Day
0.27
Hey Dave,

Thanks for your comment.  I certainly wasn't going for the comic-bookish feel, so that's something I'll have to take another look at.  I'm Canadian, so maybe my view on how those speeches go is a little skewed

Nolan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 18
eldave1
Posted: December 15th, 2016, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
2615
Posts Per Day
2.28
Best of luck to you.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 18
Lightfoot
Posted: December 16th, 2016, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Location
London, Ontario
Posts
295
Posts Per Day
0.09
Hey Nolan

I'm currently reading this, at page 20 so far, will give you my thoughts when finished.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 18
Cooper
Posted: December 18th, 2016, 3:27am Report to Moderator
Red



Posts
96
Posts Per Day
0.34
There were some nice moments but overall the structure felt waaaaay out of whack for me.

This is my rolling commentary as I was reading. I actually almost gave up at the half way point -- but I kept on trucking. For the record, I'm not an expert on screenwriting, so take everything with a grain of salt.

1.
"My window" seems like a strange thing to just say. Is the driver screaming it? Is he really worried about his window in that moment?

2.
Is positioning a better word than positing?

3
Theyíre like damn cockroaches. - like that line a lot!

4
"Iím out" - another great line.
So far, so good! I'm enjoying it all so far!

9
I know you've gotten flack for the president scene. I agree with it. That should sound and feel more urgent, heavy, authoritative. I did enjoy the previous exchange in the lunchroom.

10. What tone are you going for? Is this press conference supposed to be cheesy for effect? Just a suggestion that would make it more believable and more urgent. Have the president lie. That's far more realistic. The goal is always to avoid panic. Maybe there are reports popping up on websites and Facebook - the president is there to urge calm. Tell people that the US government has everything under control -- with the help of Kamikaze. There's NOTHING to worry about.

12
I like where you're going with the dialogue but question the execution.
"Can I call you  Julia, Julia?" Why would he say this? he's her boss. He calls her Julia all the time, I'm sure.

"If you believe heís going to take
care of it, then why would you need
the night off? " I like where that is going. Again, the actual dialogue can be improved -- but the idea of him using her faith in Kamikaze against her is really smart.

16
Nurse: You sure did. Thanks to you, weíre
all safe now.

That's way too on the nose.
I like the needle going in. nice way to show that he's not super.


18
"Iíd hazard a guess that you got
these powers when you hit puberty.
This gene somehow awoke in you, and
made you what you are today. At
least thatís an educated guess.
Where most men go through growth
spurts or a change in their voice,
you gained super powers. "

is this the world's smartest doctor? It's just way too much for him to put out there. I'm guessing this is all key to the story -- but this doesn't feel authentic to have him put that out there, then a few lines later say "I donít deal with super powered humans in the run of an average day".

22. The montage was very enjoyable.

23 "Iíd have assumed a strong fellalike you could have pulled them out
yourself." Is the Doctor being as ass here? I'm starting to not like this guy at all.


24 Kamikaze burns a hole through his head with his gaze.
I wouldn't use that line only because it sounds like he's using powers.

25 Is the doctor being an ass again with the "don't have a fever exchange"? I feel like a doctor would be comforting. A patients life was just turned upside down. Then he straight up uses super powers himself.

27. Youíre as stupid as you are plain. great line.

"I wasnít sure what I was doing. I swear..." people don't typically apologize that way.

33
"Before he gets there, another PEDESTRIAN flies in... just stole his ice cream."
Really great scene that tells a lot with a simple interaction.

As I read this, I can't help but wonder what the big conflict is. I get the Kamikaze is the protagonist but what's really happening right now. I'm a third into the screenplay and it feels like we're still firmly in act 1. By now, I want to know what "the big mission" is! I'm getting impatient.

From what I'm reading the world doesn't really need him. People are taking care of their own problems.

36
Maybe she wasnít over qualified -- funny.

also I'm getting very impatient. Right now everything is still being set up, I know the story is going somewhere but i'd like it to get there faster.

40. You must have gained super sight. funny.
but the ensuing conversation is lacking. Noah is being as ass because the world doesn't need him. He's right. So what's the movie trying to resolve?

Who am i supposed to be rooting for? Personally I like Julia but she really isn't DOING anything.

43. who is bill and why is he wearing a bunny suit. did i miss something?

45. So now we're investigating the murder of 1 guy? I'm getting bummed out right now.

46. " Why should I hire you
over someone else?... I saved the world" smart.

47. dialogue is very stilted.

48. "A sarcastic laugh escapes Brady", so he's a jerk too? I thought a family was dead. Is the rest of the movie just about this 1 crime?

50. bullshit detector. made me smile.


"Not unless youíre willing to
provide a sample" unless should be "if"


55. The large crowd makes their was to the circus. was should be "way"

So now the movie is a fight in a hardware store. Again, at this point I might just quit reading (The major "mission" isn't clear) but I'm going to stick with it.

57. he's fired and is buddies with the guy he was fighting with? they're pals? where's Julia. Oh wait, now he's asking her out?

59. of course the blood is a match - but if this guy is a big shot investment guy, he has an attorney on retainer. no way he just hands over his blood in his office.

63. Why are the cops shooting at this guy? shouldn't they have super powers too?
Ah they do, but their powers are crappy.

64. so I finally have a clear understanding of what the "mission" is. Stop crazy super villain, who is now acting like a super villain. The problem is that it's page 64. this should have been clear a while ago.

65. So basically Earnest is like Magneto but more bad ass. Are you going to explain why he's so much more powerful than anyone else?

66. His eyes violate her body. great line.


68. gingerly?

"He dies in the end." GREAT line!

71. "Letís get this son of a bitch" - serious cliche

73. Why aren't the cops using their powers. clearly bullets don't work.

76. "First Iím going to take you out, then Iím going to take that slut out."
he seems really angry about the wrong things.

81. "I have an idea, but you have to trust me" - serious cliche

83. looks like Kamikaze is saving the day by calling Eric on his cellphone. Also he never lost all of his powers, so a lot of the premise is actually undone.

87. "This is the Julia I know, the one who looks like shit. Not that hot
little number I saw back in your
place."  People don't talk like this.

88. "You look a little stressed.
Perhaps youíre constipated? Maybe
I can help you with an enema?" what???

92. 'You know we have doors, right?" Now he's cracking jokes? I thought he was in pain.

95. So Kamikaze is in charge of the Avengers?

96. The ending is a cliff hanger - not sure that works with a brand new character.

Closing thoughts: How did Kamikaze get his powers back? It seems like he basically saved the day through sheer luck and good fortune.





Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 18
Nolan
Posted: December 18th, 2016, 9:31am Report to Moderator
Purple


Posts
179
Posts Per Day
0.27
Hey Cooper,

Thanks for the comment.  Much appreciated.

Just a few things on my end:

The "my window" line, I'd assume he'd be screaming it out because it's his window they just broke.  I don't like to  put exclamation marks in my dialogue, EVER, for the simple fact that it's up to the actor to interpret how he/she says the line.

The issue with the President's speech has come up a few times, so I'll definitely be changing that.  

With regards to the doctor, I know I've had a younger doctor before and he was a little bit of a smart ass.  Not so much in terms where he was rude, but just kind of funny.  But the doctor character seems to be falling short for people, so I'll re-work him all together.

I can see what you're saying about the build up, and perhaps I can re-work it where it starts earlier.  But I didn't want to throw Earnest in right off the hop.  I wanted there to be a build up to him going berserk.  He's already an arrogant ass who has money.  I wanted to show the progression of him gaining his powers, getting them under control, losing things that he holds dear (money), and then finally using his powers for his own gains.  So he starts off by killing his former client for leaving his company, and basically spreading the word that Earnest's company can't handle their business.  Once that's taken care of, he focuses on Julia, who, in his mind, was responsible for him losing his clients in the first place, which in turn takes him to Noah.  And he turns his blood over because he doesn't care.  In his mind, he's unstoppable.  So what does it matter to him if the blood will match?  

And with regards to his powers, I didn't explain why he's stronger than others, because it's not needed in my opinion.  During the press conference, the doctor said he believes that some people were affected in greater ways than others.  Earnest would fall into the category of the "greater affected" people.  And I did kind of hint at it in the beginning when he talks to Julia at her desk, where he talks about all the things Kamikaze could do with his powers, but he chooses to help people.  I don't want to spoon feed everyone.

Ah, the bunny suit.  My bad.  That's not an actual literal bunny suit.  The term bunny suit is slang for what forensic teams wear when they're processing crime scenes, so as to not contaminate what they're sorting through.  

From the few comments I've gotten, Julia needs to be touched up.  I don't really have her doing anything other than being there.  I'll have to fix that.

Fight scene in the hardware store: I'm not sure about you, but where I grew up people would fight each other, then the next weekend they were having a beer together shooting the shit.  It happens.  

With regards to Noah getting his powers back:  The doctor had told him, maybe it's like when a regular person gets a cold, we're run down and can't do as much as when we don't have the cold.  I liken the meteor to a virus, it zapped Noah of his powers, and he didn't feel himself after getting hit with it because it drained him.  But not forever.  Buuut, I also see what you're saying.  So maybe he shouldn't get all of his powers back.  I'll have to think about that one.  

Thanks for the comments!  I'll be doing a re-write in the next little while and using some of the suggestions that I've received.  I should have time to review your script today, so I'll be able to give you my notes a little later in the day.

Nolan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 18
Lightfoot
Posted: December 18th, 2016, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Location
London, Ontario
Posts
295
Posts Per Day
0.09
Read up to page 50 so far and at times I have to admit it was difficult to continue on reading, but there are other moments where things get really interesting.

The opening scene of robbers making a getaway was fairly well done in my opinion, to me it did all it had to do, but the first 20 or so pages can use some work I think, there isn't really much (if at all) character development within these pages, it seems you wanted the action to be the prime importance. I'm don't have any issues with the action, just that I wish there was a bit more into Earnest, Julia and Kamikazee. It seem like every scene that Earnest is talking with Julia is ends up putting her down which tells me she isn't a valued employee, which has me wondering why she is kept around? Perhaps Earnest intentionally gave her that file to do knowing she would mess up, and when she does he wasn't expecting the fallout that happens.

Kamikazee is a good character, but would like to see a bit more on him, later on when other people develop powers I can see it is really effecting him not being able to help people like he used to....that he is becoming obsolete, I would like to see him basking in his heroics earlier on, or perhaps that is what you are gong for... a "taking it for granted" type thing.

Julie seems like an empty character earlier on, perhaps give her a goal or something to make her more relevant earlier on in the story. She doesn't really get interesting until page 42 when she starts to develop a connection with Kamikazee... this scene I really enjoyed though so well done on that. The first time Kamikazee is in the diner though I think needs a tiny touch up, I think it would be better to have Julie already working at the Diner rather than have her walking in, just reads odd to me the way it is...maybe is just me.

Of course there's the  President scene, which I will leave alone due to you already having comments on it.

I think you go a little overboard with  people now able to protect themselves, the first scene in the Diner with Kamikazee and Julia I think you can cut the Husky man and Little Man fight, we get that people don't need Kamikazee to help so this is kind of redundant. Perhaps have a elderly person falling, Kamikazee seeing it and do nothing, emphasizing that he knows he isn't needed, then follow it with the line ... I'm not Kamikazee anymore.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 18
Nolan
Posted: December 18th, 2016, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Posts
179
Posts Per Day
0.27
Hey Lightfoot (sorry, not sure of your name),

Thanks for the comment!  

Julia doesn't seem to be really hitting it off with anyone who's commented yet, that's the biggest thing I've gotten with her.  

As far as the difficult to read, yeah, I suppose that could be true.  I really wanted things to build up, but perhaps I took too long to do that.

Some of the other suggestions you make are definitely interesting and I certainly will take them into consideration.  

Hopefully you're able to read through the rest.

Thanks again,

Nolan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 18
Cooper
Posted: December 18th, 2016, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
Red



Posts
96
Posts Per Day
0.34
1. On the exclamation point, it's possible that's a rule (I'm new to screenwriting) but it doesn't make sense to me.  Punctuation can change context.  A period, question mark or exclamation point can change meaning.  Your point as a writer is to give meaning, right? Actor's need your direction.

2. The idea to "lie" actually is from another project I'm working on, involving a potentially civilization destroying asteroid. I have a different take obviously but it feels more authentic. However if your tone is more cheeky, your "Kamikaze will save us" approach works much better.  

3. On Earnest developing slowly, that's okay but I think you should take the Marvel approach. There's always two bad buys. The obvious bad guy, then the big bad who is revealed as the first bad guy is being taken care of. Iron Man 1 and 3 are classic examples of this but I think this formula is in 90% of their movies. You have to develop a cohesive story that makes Earnest make sense (including why he has such stronger powers). There has to be a reason.

4. Comparing Noah's power loss to a cold is interesting. I remember reading the line but it was just a throwaway from the doctor (who had way too large of a role IMO).  Why not have Noah ACTUALLY have a cold, with sniffling etc to represent his power loss and recovery. Maybe Noah goes to diner to get chicken soup, not coffee.
Super Girl had an episode like this in its first season. Might be worth watching to see what I'm talking about.

5. As far as Julia goes , it's 2016 (going on 2017). The helpless damsel in distress is played out. She needs to show her own strength with an identity that goes beyond "helpless Kamikaze fan".

Good luck.  


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 18
Nolan
Posted: December 18th, 2016, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Posts
179
Posts Per Day
0.27
Hey Cooper,

I'm not sure if I'd call it a rule (I wrote something similar on my message about your script), so if I did I'll apologize for that.  It's not a rule per say, just a guideline I like to follow.  I totally understand that it can change context.  But who am I as the writer, to tell an actor how to say a line?  My job is to write, not to direct an actor.  Maybe an actor wants to say the line in more of a whisper, or just to himself rather than out loud.  In that way, an exclamation point would be totally useless.  So I tend to stay away from it.  I see it in a lot of scripts though, so if it's something that you want to do, who am I to say otherwise?  

To the rest of your comments, they're all great points!  I particularly like the idea of him actually having a cold.

Thanks again!

Nolan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 18
Lightfoot
Posted: December 19th, 2016, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
Purple


Location
London, Ontario
Posts
295
Posts Per Day
0.09
Finished,

All the difficult bits seemed to be in the starting of this story, from about page 30 or so it all seems to flow pretty smoothly, I liked how you have Julia being the one to finally kill off Earnest after all others have failed, looking back to your character description of Julia you say " She hides her attractiveness under unflattering clothes. Her body language screams unconfident" I think you should build on this whole lack of self confidence for Julia earlier on to make this payoff at the end even better. Also I think you should work on Earnest's hit list a bit more, as is it's somewhat believable that he will go after Julia and Kamikazee, but to be honest it was his own actions that caused that, but anyway it seems like you can go even further with this by either showing Earnest in love with himself and his own business so he flips his shit when he starts losing customers, have Julia's affection for Kamikazee actually have an impact on the job she was given, or perhaps one of the clients overhears how Earnest treats Julia and bails. Anything to give Kamikazze and/or Julia bigger presence in Earnest's meltdown.

I really enjoyed the Cafe scene on page 57, flowed well and the dialogue was great.

Page 68 Earnest's comment " He dies in the end"  Awsome! Had me laughing.

From then on it was pretty much your run of the mill superhero movie with a big good guy vs bad guy fight at the end, I enjoyed this, it's a good story but with a little work I think this can shine.

Throughout the read I've noticed that some people can recognize Kamkazee but most others can't, is there a reason for this?

I also agree with what Cooper says about Kamikazee getting his powers back, I feel there's needs to be something that is responsible for this.

Anyways good effort on this,
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 18
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Action/Adventure Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006