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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Nihilum - A Lord of The Rings Story Moderators: bert
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  Author    Nihilum - A Lord of The Rings Story  (currently 538 views)
Don
Posted: March 11th, 2018, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Nihilum - A Lord of The Rings Story by Gerasimos Rozis - Action, Adventure - Long before the First Age, it was a human who led the first alliance of men against the Lord of the Rings. 107 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 11th, 2018, 11:20am
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Gerasimos
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
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Couple words on my work/script.
My first ever script was a drama one. As a first timer, i went through some internet guides, read the basics and then decided to write it. I used a script coverage service for it and i got a solid rating in 9/17 categories and another 6/17 not bad (4/4 ratings grid). My weakest points was grammar and formatting (which was pretty much expected). However, that drama script was just an effort to see if i'm just doing it right. And i suppose, it went well. So i decided to write Nihilum, which was really my passion-story. As a huge Tolkien fan and a wow/lineage player, i went the action-fantasy-adventure way.

Nihilum is a Rogue One type of script for LoTR. It takes place in a fantasy world during the Silmarillion era. I tried to avoid any direct conflicts with the book for obvious reasons, thus i just used some basic and scattered/unclear information from it.

Nihilum is about the story of the legendary self-exiled human warrior Kungen, whose love with the princess of the Elves was both questioned and challenged by the Gods themselves. Through a game of godly deception and prophecies he finds three companions on his journey towards saving his love. The elite warrior of the Elves and the best Dwarven warrior, along with a wizard stand next to Kungen, forming his fellowship. However, a human prince, a powerful wizard and the Gods' greatest creation himself stand on his way, each one for his own reasons . Will he manage to fulfill his destiny? Complete his quest?

Nihilum was about 400 pages long, but after a couple notes from my friends i went through some serious rewriting, deleting any kind of novel-style descriptions and such (battle and scenery descriptions, clothes/armory etc). And here it is now. Just 99 pages long.

If anyone cares to have a look through it, i would be greatful.
Best regards!

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Gerasimos  -  March 21st, 2018, 8:03am
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ScottM
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Gerasimos,

Started this today.

The first thing that hits you right in the face is the capitalised action. Why did you choose to go this way? Right off the bat I know this is going to be a difficult read.


Quoted Text
INT. ELEVAR CASTLE GREAT LIBRARY - NIGHT


If you plan on using more locations like this I would break it up, so:

INT. ELEVAR CASTLE - GREAT LIBRARY - NIGHT


Quoted Text
AN OLD MAN, is reading a book


This is passive. An OLD MAN reads would read better.


Quoted Text
Thousands wrinkles,


Thousands of Wrinkles. Also no need for the comma.


Quoted Text
SMASHING
EVERYTHING AROUND HIM


I donít know what Iím looking at here. What is he smashing? What is everything?

You should be able to turn off the character CONT'D in your software, its unnecessary.


Quoted Text
AN OLIVE SKINNED FEMALE FIGURE STANDS MOTIONLESS, ALMOST
NAKED.


I think you need to be more descriptive. If a reader isnít familiar with this world, what are we to imaging she is wearing if sheís almost naked? What is she actually wearing, set the picture for me.


Quoted Text
HE HUGS HER WITH HIS LEFT ARM.


Although I just told you to be descriptive, this is also overwritten. Does it matter that itís her left arm? How does it impact on the story? HE HUGS HER would be fine.


Quoted Text
DANG. THE SOUND OF HIS SWORD TOUCHING THE GROUND IS HEARD
ALL AROUND THEIR WORLD. THEY DONíT HEAR IT THOUGH. THEYíRE
STILL KISSING.


A few issues here. No need to put the sound effect and tell us what it is, again its overwriting.

Most of that is unfilmable. How do we as the viewer know itís heard around the world? How do we as viewers know they donít hear it? Itís not visual at all.

No need for the CONTINUED at the top and bottom of the pages.

I do like the images of the creation, very cool.


Quoted Text
FLASH INSERT:


I think these FLASH INSERTS should have their own scene heading as they are in different locations.


Quite a lot of the writing is awkwardly phrased.


Quoted Text
GULAF (CONTíD)
(elvish:subtitled)
Ere i er ya utua mela rusva i
tenkela.
(english)
The one who finds true love will
break the spell.


No real need to put both versions of the language.

On page 4 you have an action block of 17 lines. This is way too big. Should try keep it to a maximum of 4 or at the very least break it up into shots.


Quoted Text
the legendary self
exiled human


Unfilmable, how would we see this visually on the screen?

Lot and lots of passive writing throughout. I'd look at the words ending in ing and see if you really need them.


Quoted Text
which
can look through the soul of hell itself and not even blink.


Unfilmable.


Quoted Text
the eyes of a mortal cannot satisfy


Unfilmable.


Quoted Text
Moments
later, their eyes open, as Sylvana stops.


If its moments later, use MOMENTS LATER as a heading.


Quoted Text
SYLVANA (CONTíD)
I renounced eternity for moments
like this.. And Iím happy I did so.
KUNGEN
I rejected my world for you. And
there is nothing to make me regret
it.


This dialogue is very much on the nose.


Quoted Text
INT. GARGOTH CASTLE PRINCE ROOM - NIGHT


Again, break this up if you plan on using this location.

INT. GARGOTH CASTLE - PRINCE ROOM - NIGHT

There may very well be a good story in here but the writing is making it quite hard to get through.

I will have another look soon.

I think my notes will apply to a lot of the writing in general, so in summary:

1) Cut the action blocks down to 4 lines or at the very least into shots.

2) Get on top of all the passive writing.

3)Ask yourself if something is visual. You know the story you are telling but can the viewer see it?





Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

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Gerasimos
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 12:00am Report to Moderator
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locations break up and action blocks cut down, fixing^^.
I'll take care of the passive writing asap.
The capitals in shots are auto formatted by celtx. I'll try and change the software's setting somehow, otherwise I'll swap it in an action format. Same thing applies for dialogue 'CONT'D'/end of pages Continued (however i know these can be disabled for sure).

3>regarding the 'visual thing', as I posted above nihilum was a 400 pages long script written like a novel, and my friends adviced me to delete all the details/descriptions, etc. I guess there are just a few (i assume lol) things i still have to take care about.

Really appreciate this Scott. There is really no need to go in full detail, just the basics (pros-cons/concept/characters/pacing and such). After couple of rewrites, I'll pass it on for a line edit at the end, using a paid service or such.
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HyperMatt
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 6:05am Report to Moderator
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If somebody is going to go into a full analysis of your script, don't discourage them.
Especailly it is for free.


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ScottM
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Not a problem, I'll keep my review more general and focus more on the story.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

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ScottM
Posted: April 14th, 2018, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I am up to page 50, as asked I will keep my review a bit more general.

I see you used a few of my suggestions, I think they work well.

Still a lot of passive writing throughout. I think if you cleaned that up it would be a much smoother read.

There is also a lot of grammatical errors, awkward writing, and what I would personally consider formatting errors.

When I read an awkward line of dialogue or action I find myself re-reading it and cleaning it up in my head, this is making for an extremely long read.

I struggled initially to get my head around all the character, but now I'm comfortable with who everyone is.

It's very over written in the sense that on many occasions you say the exact same thing several different ways in the same block of action.

With all that being said, I would say that I am quite enjoying the story. Some of the travel between locations seems way too quick (not really sure how you can avoid that) and there are a few things that just feel way to coincidental to the story, like Tirion and Drakedog coming to Kungen's aid when he is being attacked at home, and everyone just happening to meet at the mages. I don't know, it just feels a bit forced.

I also think there are some parts that a beautifully descriptive, you paint a very nice picture on occasion, but then I find when you get into the fighting action it can read quite clunky and wooden.

I think you definitely have something here, I do think it needs a big overhaul though.

I'll post again when I finish.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

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Gerasimos
Posted: April 15th, 2018, 1:34am Report to Moderator
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Just a note. Nothing is coincidental.

Tirion and Drakedog coming to Kungen's aid > all the Helions glow when one of the bearers is under attack and force the others towards them. I believe that Alamar's first words and once again when they all made it to Elevar (Alamar's words again) made that clear... I guess not clear enough^^

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ScottM
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Sorry, it may not have been clear or I may have missed it. There is a fair bit of mythology to wrap your head around, I'm not overly familiar with this kind of world.

It does pose another question though, how do they know specifically who was in trouble? Also for Tirian to arrive so close to Drakedogs arrival does still seem coincidental. Did they arrive together? Or are we assuming the came from completely different ends of this world and just happened to arrive within minutes of each other, again to me that's coincidental, unless of course I missed something else :/ I hope not, I really am trying to take it all in.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

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Gerasimos
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Who was in trouble? Noone knew in the first place. The Helion forced them follow that path, towards the one in 'danger'.

Regarding the Tirion-Drakedog time difference arrival; The castles of the humans/elves/dwarves/mages are all around Solgar. The elves are just faster than the dwarves, thus Drakedog the Elf was there first and shortly after, Tirion the Dwarf arrived exhausted.

Of course, it has to be noted, as I posted in my first post, that Nihilum was a 400 pages long script with all the info about the world, map, locations etc, but I was precisely instructed by an 'expert' to remove all this info because 'this is not a novel, just a spec script'. Perhaps some of the info should have remained, but if it looks unclear to you (that means for most of everyone else/the readers), I'll just add some info about the kingdoms locations.

These kind of tips are trully appreciated, as my main concern on that first stage of rewrite is about revealing any kind of such 'holes' to the concept and the story.
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ScottM
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Kungen was in trouble, he was being attacked by the prince's men, no?

But yes that makes sense that they were "forced" along that path. I didn't think that was clear though.

And yes everyone here will agree that 400 pages is way too long.

With a story this intricate I do imagine the balance between what to leave in and what to take out would be hard.

Like I said though I am quite enjoying the story, I don't think there are any substantial plot holes that I've come across up to page 50.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

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Gerasimos
Posted: April 15th, 2018, 4:17am Report to Moderator
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Yes exactly. Noted-i'll find a way to make this a bit more clear.
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ScottM
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 1:27am Report to Moderator
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Hi Gerasimos,

I read a few more pages, then got distracted by the writers challenge scripts.

I did have a few things to add though. The fight scenes feel more like something out of World of Warcraft or something similar with all the different spells and attacks. You give a lot of them names that the viewer will never get to know.

I know you said nothing happens coincidentally but again a feel there is another instance where this happens. When the human, dwarf and Elf armies all arrive at basically the exact same time. I don't know, it just feels weird somehow.

Definitely my biggest issue is how the fighting is written. You constantly say" Kungen provokes" this or that, I have no idea what you mean by that. Why does he keep provoking everyone he fights, why no just kill them?

I will finish it shortly.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

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Gerasimos
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 12:38pm Report to Moderator
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Imho one of my weakest points at the moment, and the first I focus on the most, is the fight scenes. Atm I'm going through several battle related scripts in relation to my battles style (e.g. snyder's 300 for kungen's moves, watson's prince of thieves for Drakedog's etc) and go scene by scene to see exactly what they write and what they leave aside (for the choreographers to handle). So I'm rewriting those, line by line atm.

You're right, my fighting scenes as are atm, include several unique racial skills from wow/l2 etc. Tolkien's novels referred to several racial+class skills for each one of the protagonists of the movie, however, the Jacksons do not talk about the background story, and just use some of those skills (eg, Aragorn's healing, Legolas op hearing/vision/stamina etc). On the other hand, I'm trying to explain those skills the first time used, and then, just use the words. Still much to do.

For example the frst time Kungen provokes, it states: "Kungen raises his sword up to the sky provoking them to attack him. A tiny explosion-like effect appears over the enemiesÔŅĹ heads. That draws the attention of nearby Orcs that turn towards him instantly".
The new version looks (something) like this:
"Kungen raises his blade. Stabs the sky. Thunderous noise. A tiny explosion-like effect over his head. The nearby Orcs' too. Their heads snap towards Kungen. They focus, lock on him. They let their initial targets rest and attack Kungen".


Regarding the scene where the armies of men/elves/dwarves arrive to Solgar almost instantly, it has to do with the distance among their kingdoms and Solgar. The Kingdoms of men (humans/elves/dwarves) cover almost the same area around the mages' castle, so it took everyone (almost) the same time to get to Solgar. As in your previous post, I'll make the kingdoms' area coverage /location clear to the reader.
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