I'm writing a thriller, below is a link to the first 11 pages of the script that sets up the premise nicely. I don't know entirely where I am going with the plot that is why I need someone to help with the story. Below the link are possible ideas I had that you should read after completeling the script. Anyone that would be interested in developing the story should say so here.

YOU NEED TO CUT AND PASTE THE LINK BELOW. Angelfire does not allow links from external sites so if you click on it it wont work, however cutting and pasting will.

I Know the dialogue is not in the right format but I don't have script writing software (am getting it for christmas) but for now the current format will do as everything else is correct
Oh yeah, the names are kind of crappy too, I didn't have time to think of good character names and I wanted to write the beginning while it was still fresh in my mind
http://www.angelfire.com/indie/newscriptidea/NEW_IDEA.doc

IDEAS AND HELP NEEDED
The briefcase is not a bomb. It is full of virus dispensers that John is required to plant throughout the hotel. Since the place is empty no one can stop him or will know where he plans them. He's not doing it by his own free will of course. He is told to by the bomber who calls his hotel room.

Another idea I had was for another site to get bombed towards the end. That way everyone forgets about this hotel thinking it was a diversion and the virus displacers stay in hidden so when the hotel opens up again they can be used. Someone or something is important happening at the hotel (part I need help with, why the hotel is a target) thefore the virus needs to be placed before then.

I also need help with:
Why is John picked? (my only idea was that he developed the weapons dispensers and is unwillingly now being forced to use them)
and
Who is the hobo? My original idea was that he is the bomber and he is checking up on John to make sure everything gets done.

Okay, that is all I have so far, feedback on what I've written and any interest in co writing with me should be expressed here

Ummm... The link doesn't work. It says something about how you can't go to it from an off site thing... I don't know... Maybe you should fix it.

i wrote in there that the link will only work when you cut and paste it. If you click on it it does not go. I wrote it in caps too to try to make it more obvious

Ha... Don't know how I missed it... Thanks.

Why did you start a second thread for seeking help in this script?


Phil

This post is for finding a collaborater to help me write the story. The other post was just for feedback on the synopsis to see if it was workable. I got comments that it was so I started a thread in here with the script sample stating that I need story help and if anyone liked what was written so far to state that they'd like to help out. I didn't know if anyone in the other thread would be interested in collaborating or if they only checked out this section for new projects. I'm sorry if that is an annoyance to you but I didn't know how to move the other post or attract the attention of people looking to collaborate. I hope that explains why I started two threads, if you are still bothered by that fact I will go ahead and delete the other one since this has the script sample in it.

It's just something to be careful about, sf.  Others have done it in the past.


Phil

okay, I understand that cross posting is against the rules and can get annoying so I shall be careful. I thought of this as two seperate posts about the same script (different purposes) but I will make sure not to do so in the future.

SF,

I went to the link, and all I learned was that you like Angelfire because it is
A.) Fast
B.) Easy

and
C.) Fun

And that your favorite websites are Angelfire, Angelfire, and well,  Angelfire.


Can you email me the doc file?

Mike

I really want more. I love how it begins. You've got me hooked already which scripts rarely do. Hopefully you follow through with the rest of it.

I just updated the version that is hosted on the site. I improved the dialogue and made the characters more realistic. I'm not going to change what is on the site anymore as I still only want it to be a teaser of what is to come and to see if anyone is willing to help on the story writing. Secondly, if the link does not work even when cut and pasted and you'd like to read the script, PM me and I'll E-mail it to you as I did with Mike already.
Thanks for the feedback so far
-Matt

Alright, I took a look at this, and this is what I would do.


I would make the hotel a new UN building under construction.  John, is a day labor construction worker who ends up falling asleep during his lunchbreak (or something to that effect) and ends up being left locked up in the building for the weekend.  The hobo, well he's just a squatter in the building.  As John wanders through the building, he comes across the foreman.  Little does he know that the foreman is part of a terrorist sect set on destroying the building once it's occupied.  To distance themselves from the incident, the sect forces John to begin setting up the viruses/bombs throughout the building, as they watch from afar.  To give John motivation, maybe the foreman knocks him out, gets his license from his wallet and kidnaps his wife or something?

As John continues through the building he ends up crossing paths with the hobo, who proves to be very useful in navigating all the nooks and crannies of the building.  The suspense builds as John plants what he needs to plant, all while trying to attract the security guards or notify the police without drawing any suspicion from the terrorists.  I think it's better that he has to notify the police rather than them being there in the beginning and threatening to shoot him if he leaves the building.  That just doesn't make sense to me.

You could probably go on for quite a bit here, and I think there's some good problems in front of him with trying to notify authorities, get out of the building, and save his wife.  Plus with it being a construction site, you'd have many an opportunity to kill someone with a nailgun or jackhammer.  

I normally don't write in this genre, but I figured I'd take a crack at it.  Let me know what you think.


Mike  

I love in movies when they have deaths like that. With a nailgun or a jackhammer (which I have yet to see).

And no...

I'm not a psycho.

How the f*ck do you kill somebody with a jackhammer?

Ahhahahah...do it!  Figure out a way and use it in the story!

I know how! Someone could be sitting against a wall or door and the jackhammer goes through the wall and through them!

That's how the (bleep) you kill em with a jackhammer!

Quoted from bert How the f*ck do you kill somebody with a jackhammer?

By pinning them down with the forks of a forklift and hammering away at their face of course!


I can see it now.  The shaking of the jackhammer.  The shaking of the body as it's face slowly disinegrates into nothingness.  Our hero being splattered with blood as he screams like a madman.  When all is said and done, and nothing but a mess remains, the hobo sweeps in and steals the terrorists jewelry.


Mike

those are interesting ideas that I'll take into consideration as I hadn't fully developed my idea, however the following is what I had in mind for the story but it's not fully worked out and I may be looking over some glaring plot holes, so feel free to point them out

John is trapped in the building and forced to plant the virus dispensers around. The police are outside and are unwillingly forced to keep him in as they are told not to let him out alive therefore they threaten to shoot him if he gets out. After John learns of the viruses he is forced to plant them throughout the hotel. I was going to have him be part of the company that manufactured the weapon so the terrorist is now showing him what it can do by making him use it against his own country (a little bit of twisted irony). To add further salt to his wounds the bomber has kidnapped his daughter and tells him that once the dispensers have been planted they will negotiate a deal for his safety. Obviously John doesn't belive him as he could just go tell the police where he planted them but for his daughters sake, he plants them anyway. Towards the end, the police learn of a bomb threat somewhere else (where all the hotel members have been evacuated too, I was thinking a sports arena like madison square garden) which is where the real bomb is. The police then rush over there realizing the hotel was a diversion. That was the bombers plan as now they forget all about the hotel and the virus dispensers will be overlooked (the terrorists never planned on letting the police find out about Madison square or wherever it is. They thought they'd be too preoccupied with figuring out why the hell the bomber left one guy inside, then when the real bomb goes off realize they were tricked and think that the first hotel meant nothing). The ending I was thinking of was that John was kidnapped and drugged with something and he only has so long to live (hence why he doesn't remember the past few days). So by the time he gets out he doesn't have long enough to tell the police. However, the hobo guy who I was going to set up as you thinking he is the bad guy eventually tells the police that it wasn't a diversion and that something with John was going on in the regular hotel.

That is about all I had, I hope it makes sense. It's alot different from your idea Mike, but like I said, I am going to take all ideas into consideration as I don't have the story fully developed. I just like the beginning that I built up and that follows it.

Thanks for the comments so far,

-Matt

The beginning you have so far is fine, to a point, but I think you have to do something about the police.   It just doesn't make sense for them to allow themselves to be forced to keep someone in a building like that.  If it's because the building will be blown up, I think they would evac the general area first and then worry about getting John out.

i have the general area evacuated but i still think the police would do all they could to stop a hotel in downtown new york from exploding, secondly, i added information stating that the bomber took credit for a car bomb the night before so the police know he is not bluffing, thats why they are so adament in sticking to the demands of john not getting out alive, i think it makes sense for the hotel to be a diversion as then the police are so busy trying to figure out the puzzle of why one man is left inside that they forget about the location the evacutees are at which is where the real bomb is located
that is the general plot i have so far but again ill take into consideration all suggestions for this project, it's my first venture into the suspense/thriller/action genre so i dont have it all figured out, thats just what i have so far