I’ve been waiting to read this script for a while, since you told me about it actually.   I thought it was a fantastic concept, ripe for the picking.   For the most part I enjoyed your tale of the tainted pop-ade that turns a town into pimps.  

You mastery of the craft really shows, unique consistent characters that follow a clear story line. It had good dialogue and it made me laugh a couple of times.  There isn’t really much to complain about with this script.

However, personally, this script didn’t hit the mark for me.     I wanted to see this get outrageous and it never quite went there.  Rather than a movie about a bunch of pimps turning a town on its head, it felt more like a zombie flick – where the zombies were replaced by pimps.  Pimps should rate their own story line – they aren’t zombies.  

You did a good job, Mike.  I do want to stress that.  But I think you underdeveloped the concept.

Cheers,

Michael  

Thanks for checking it out, Michael.  I'm glad that you enjoyed it for the most part and appreciate the way it was written.  That's definitely been a big goal of mine lately.  To advance even further with things related to character and story.

As far as the underdevelopment of the concept, it looks like you're saying pretty much the same thing that Phil said, I think.  There is some re-working I want to do there, and I have a couple ideas, but I'm not really sure how to go about them just yet.

I mean, pimps can only do so much, and hos even less, so I'm guessing that it might just be something as simple as more face time.  Show them doing more pimp-like stuff.  You're right on point with the zombie-like feel, though.  When I initially came up with the concept, that's pretty much what I had had in my mind.

Going back to one of Breanne's critiques, I've figured out a way to rework the scene in Mister Kwan's in order to make the mysterious dead guy's death a little funnier.

Thanks again for checking it out.

Quoted from Shelton As far as the underdevelopment of the concept, it looks like you're saying pretty much the same thing that Phil said, I think.  There is some re-working I want to do there, and I have a couple ideas, but I'm not really sure how to go about them just yet.

The premise is ridiculous and over the top (in a good way).  The script should be the same.


Phil

Whichever particular hat I have on at any one time, whether it be writer, director or producer, I always think that starting with a strong premise really gives the film a great chance of success.

It may be an obvious point, but too often films don't have a strong enough premise to carry the weight that's needed, regardless of the genre.

If you're looking to write a thriller then coming up with a premise that is naturally high stakes and is high in conflict wins you half the battle.

Comedy is no different and the premise you've come up with here naturally lends itself to all out comedy.

I've only read the first ten pages and will report back in detail when I've read the whole script, but things are already looking good. The characters are great, the story looks made for comedy and the dialogue is fantastic.

As I say, I'll report back fully later, but this has the makings of a hugely successful film and it will be a huge opportunity for whoever gets to make it.


Rick.

It's always hard trying to get the details to cross over and fit nicely; so I'm going to offer some suggestions here based upon what I said before and even if you don't use them, they might help to give you other ideas.

I've been trying to figure out a way to help you iron out a few things and I'm still stuck on the idea of a new opening.

They say that the beginning is in the end and vice versa and I still think you should begin with Sancho and Al in the real world like I said before Al attempts to help Sancho out of his "Bad Trip." They used dreams all the time in That Seventies Show-- granted it's a sitcom-- but without it they couldn't have done a lot of the fun sequences they did.

If Al's fairytale begins with the funeral parlor scene where Grandma Poppa pimp is given the spare ashes, you could quickly move from the funeral parlor to her home where she gives the ashes to "the brothers" and tells them to find a good home for them. (You could also make Guy Kracker have TWO jobs. He works at the funeral parlor and driving the truck. "What?!" Well, times are tough you know. And thus you could introduce Guy in an early scene as well because he's an excellent character.)

So you could have The Brothers (Jo-Jo etc.) leave thanking her graciously and she almost pushes them out.  "The least I can do for my favorite boys..." (she lies) When they're out and she shuts the door... You could have her say something like: "Stupid messed up and stole my time away with Grandpoppa..." She pulls out the real ashes and places them on her mantle.

"There you go baby. Just rest by the fire. Or maybe you had enough of that. Sorry."

Ok, so then there are TWO sets of ashes and the phoney ashes, that we don't know who they're from are the ones that end up in the vat.

Now I'm going to digress to the suggestion Breanne made and what you thought about writing in: The scene where King Alosius is tossed the Pop-aid and NOTHING happens. This is excellent. Definitely work with this.

What I'm thinking is that you could connect "the real" ashes with the ability for King Aloysius to save the day.

You could insert scenes with Grandma Poppa Pimp talking like a real Grandma would: What is this world coming to anyways? Watching out her window at the strange goings on.

Maybe here you could put in some of those scenes that you want to where the pimps are doing pimpy things-- thus taking Phil's recommendation of Pimping it up. You might show a hat seller setting up a street side shop in front of Grandma's since he recognizes there's a big market in town for Big Hats.

I'm thinking you might make a connection between Grandma and Mr. Kwan.

Here's the idea: Show Grandma having a "moving out" sale because she plans on moving out of the neighborhood since it's getting so crazy. One man comes in who's an antique dealer-- he recognizes the urn on the mantle to be extremely rare and worth millions. Grandma sells it and puts the ashes into a plastic baggie until she can get to Mr. Kwan's to buy a new urn. (Make Mr. Kwan's store be a MYSTERIOUS looking kind of Chinese herbal remedy place instead of a convenience store and "make it so" (Captain Picard) Grandma and Mr. Kwan know each other well because she has constantly in the past visited him to help her with her whatever-ites.

So she comes in looking for a new urn. She buys it and a STRANGER SHOWS UP in the store just after Mr. Kwan goes to the back to get more bags.

While Mr. Kwan's in the back, the stranger, hauls Grandma Poppa Pimp close and covers her mouth.

"What's the man's name who you sold it to?!! Tell me or--"

Then CHINK CHINK from the shovel of Mr. Kwan and the stranger's dead. All we know is that he was on the trail of the antique dealer and the urn.

From Grandma Poppa Pimp:

"Too crazy!!! This town has gone too crazy!!! Mr. Kwan!!! Please look after Grandpoppa for now. I'm not going back home. I'm leaving for Hoppin Mountain and all I'll send for the rest of my stuff once I get settled."

And to the urn: "I know you told me you hate being cooped up in there, but it won't be for long-- I promise!"

So now you've got Grandpoppa Pimp inside Mr. Kwan's herbal store, a reason for the dead guy and also a reason that we know of for Grandpoppa pimps ashes to be there and to want the hell out.

I hope this helps,

Sandra

Hey Mike,

Looks like you have the main course, just need a little fixins' to ditty it up a little.

Here's what I thought...

I think you should introduce Annie sooner, and have her in the middle of another "boring interview".  Have her complain about it too.

I think you should introduce Goodyear Pimp sooner, too.

I was thinking of a way for King Aloysius and Goodyear Pimp to become enemys, and I think I have found it...
How about if Goodyear Pimp gave some Pop-Ade to King Aloysius' Mama?
She would turn into Goodyear's ho and Aloysius could go off the hook. Maybe Mama could ask Mr. Kwan if he wants a date?

I'm not sure about the ending either, Mike. I think King Aloysius should win his own battle, not Grandpoppa Pimp.
Now if you'd like to keep the tornado, you could have Aloysius drink the Pop-Ade and become a Superpimp, not unlike the way Popeye becomes super strong when he eats spinach. His fists could blow up the same way Popeye's do, and he could spin Goodyear out into space, and show back up when Annie has her newscast.  

Just things I'm throwing out here.

It was a good read. Let me know when the rewrite is up.

Cindy

Thinking about this a little further, I realize that this script is specifically the story regarding the Pop Ade pimps and ho's.  Another story arc (even a very minor one) would give the story a little complexity.  All that anyone talks about is the situation around them.  Give us a little more.  Have Aloysius and Sancho debate which is better, heating oil or natural gas.

I think that would be funny.


Phil

Thanks everybody for checking it out.

I've had a little bit of time to get back into this one (working on something else at the moment) and I've been incorporating some of the notes that I've been given.  Tweaking dialogue here and there,  bringing in the Goodyear Pimp earlier, and others.

I'm also thinking of bringing in Annie earlier .

As far as how King Aloysius wins the battle, I've kept it pretty much the same except he does drink the Pop-Ade with no effect.  Ultimately, they all win due to a team effort, and King Aloysius gets a slight personal victory when the Pop-Ade has no effect.  It solidifies that he's more of a pimp than The Goodyear Pimp.

The shovel death is also gone, replaced with the guy OD'ing on Pop-Ade (a canister breaks and the guy snorts the powder, eventually too much of it.)

As always, it's a work in progress, but I'm still happy with what's here and what I've done since.

Man, you took every stereotype and poked fun at them from every angle! The dialogue was awesomely funny! Very original story too! I recommend this to all. Just excellent!

Jerry

Jerry,

Thanks for taking a look at it, and finding it worthy of a recommend.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

And yes, you're spot on about the stereotype stuff.  I wanted to make sure I hit everybody, cause really, nobody wants to feel left out.

Thanks again.

Hey Shelton, I meant to tell you that my favorite character in your script is Sancho, The Soothsayer On The Street! It was also a great idea to put a Som Som (Tom Tom) on his sombrero and writing in the arrows for directions, great stuff. When I get my Ragman script back up, I'd like you to give me your critique, as I've made some changes from the first draft. Right now, I don't have the PDF conversion software to convert it to put it on the site and the free online places that I could email it to doesn't support the type of file. I attempted to use the ones you suggested and it didn't work. I'll try again, just to make sure that I didn't screw something up. I'm basically computer illiterate.

Jerry

What kind of file are you trying to send?  An fdr?

I have no idea what type of file it is. I thought it was an rtf file or a txt file. Apparently not. I've tried finding out just exactly what type of file it saves as but I haven't been successful. It could be that it's just too big. What it does say when I open it is the title of the script and then a prj-The Ragman.prj. I assumed the prj was an abbreviation for project.

I just don't know how to use my computer! Pardon me while go an jump through my patio sliding door!!!

.prj is the file extension.  What are you writing the script in?

Hey Pia,

Thanks for checking it out.  Some of the things you've mentioned in your feedback have already been addressed in rewrites since I posted this, but I'll address things line by line.

Quoted from Grandma Bear This script is very short and heavy on dialogue. I imagine it would be quite short as a film. I think that could be easily fixed by you expanding this one. I do believe this script need it…

I do agree that this script is a little on the short side, page-wise, but ultimately I think it would be an acceptable film length.  Some of the descriptive passages have some time associated with them, even as short as they are.

Quoted from Grandma Bear First off you introduce Willie, Freddie and Ali Baba right at the beginning. I assumed they were going to be major characters in this film, but they basically disappear. They do come back, but have no impact in the story. Jo-Jo comes back a little earlier, but doesn’t have a big enough part in the movie for me to really care about him. I think that the very beginning could benefit from some re-working. Have Jo-Jo play a bigger part in the script or let someone else drop the urn into the vat.

Jo-Jo's buddies are there to serve the function of pissing him off, and then being his "teammates" in the O-Pimp-ics.  They aren't vital to the story on the whole, but do a play a big part in the hook.  Same with Jo-Jo.  He IS the hook, and his turning up later on and knowing what he knows gives him a chance for redemption.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Introduce Goodyear Pimp earlier since he’s sort of the villain.

This is done.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Vandelay is also the bad guy. He let all this happen. His turnaround into wanting to rectify his actions though should come after more conflict IMHO. I think he changed his tune a little too quickly.

Not sure what you mean here.  Are you talking about when he sees King Aloysius on the TV, or at the very end after things have settled down?  Ultimately, I think either way is pretty on par with a corporate big wigs thinking.  One is damage control, while the other is an attempt at a clever spin (Pop-Ade actually set this whole thing up).

Quoted from Grandma Bear Maybe have Guy be infatuated by Annie before they ever even meet. Maybe he has a little tv in his truck and watches her on the news all the time. Would also be fun if rather than screaming he could be singing some really white songs. Maybe even Country…

That's not a bad idea.  I've been toying with a few ideas to bring Annie in a little earlier.

Quoted from Grandma Bear When they discover that Cran-Apple juice is the antidote I think it would serve this story well if things got worse before they got better. Maybe the Cran-Apple juice looks the be the solution at first, but they soon realize it makes people even worse. Now the pressure is really on to find a cure.

I do like the accidental aspect of how they find the cure though, where these scientists are hard at work, only to wind up failing, while something that's been in King Aloysius' fridge for God knows how long takes care of it.   Plus it kills two birds with one stone since it also gets Guy back to normal.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I thought it would be funny if the Ho Mom and Jimmy had a mouth-off.

I think that one could be pretty easy to incorporate.  Not sure which direction I'd go with it though, since the authority roles would be even more switched after Mom drank the Pop-Ade.