Stevie,

Ok, I finished the script, and I gotta say, I'm kind of torn.  I'm torn, and I think it comes down to personal preference (to a degree, but I'll get to that later).

On the one hand, you've crafted a story where you explore a unique type of heaven and the philosophical aspects surrounding it and the people who run it.  On the other hand everyone in the script is vulgar/crude/sexual in every respect, so it seems weird when you jump between the two.  You'll have an incredibly thoughtful moment and then it'll be like getting hit in the face with a really sexual joke.  But like I said, it might be that this is personal preference, because that's just not my type of humor.  However, like I alluded to before, I think you might have taken the sexual humor a bit too far; for example, the scene with the orgy and them all masturbating.  It seemed unnecessary.

My other concern is that you don't really have a stand-out character as someone who's likable.  If I had to pick one, I would say it's Nick, but when he's not being an individual (and standing up for existence), he's being as crude as the rest of them.  I think you need to work on differentiating your characters a bit, as they all kind of talk the same.  I would single Nick out even more and make the story center more around him.  But that's just a suggestion.

Like I said, I liked the general story, I liked the ideas you explored (For example, I really liked the Dartboard idea and the List),  I just feel you need to strike a balance b/c the two don't go hand-in-hand.  I don't think the people who like this ultra-sexual humor will be up for more philosophical ideas, ya know what I mean?

Hopefully you understand what I mean.  

Hi Matt! Thanks for the read! Yeah, I did go overboard a bit with the sex jokes, etc. But as I explained in earlier threads, the whole thing was an idea that i just kept rolling with. There was only the very basic outline of the 'plot' and i had a vague ending. The script was written from head to page, virtually adlibbed, with some encouragement from my workmates. I guess i wanted to have a go at comedy after toiling on my time travel script.
Anyway, as soon as my son is down for his nap, I'll read yours. cheers buddy!

Hey Stevie,

I liked the idea of these four guys dying and going to heaven but I didn't like the execution. Let me explain myself. All four guys act more or less the same. Okay, so Jack's totally porn obsessed while the others are only mildly porn obsessed. But that's about the gist of the characters...porn. Now, normally I wouldn't have a problem with that but nearly 80 pages of this stuff and it gets tiresome.

Second...nothing really happens when they get to Heaven, you know? They go to work, they get off work, they talk to Jesus, Phil and Tanya (and eventually God) and that's pretty much it.

Even the whole "New Earth" scare is, well, over before it really begins.

But that's really not my problem. No, my main problem is that all of your protags are - in one scathing word - passive. I mean, they don't do anything, they're just along for the ride and almost everything they learn during their stay at Heaven is told to them. Told. They don't really do anything to obtain knowledge or challenge the status quo. In fact, this script lacks a lot of action (and I don't mean porn here), it's a very talky script with not nearly enough substance - and even comedies must have drama.

Also, I'm not entirely sure who your target audience is for this one. I mean, with all the gratuitous porn I really have a hard time picturing this as a run-of-the-mill comedy. And comedy is extremely subjective, some will find this funny while others won't. I must admit, I didn't laugh a whole lot when reading this. The "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck" lines were quite funny though.

Stevie, I know this sounds like I didn't like the script - and that's because I didn't like the script but you have a genuinely great idea here (and a nice title) and if you can sketch out the characters more, add a real crisis then you might have something really good on your hands.

I hope this helps. Keep it up (like Ron Jeremy)


Cheers
Rob

Hey Rob, thanks for the read, man. Yeah, I know there was way too much porn in it! I was reading the hedgehog's autobiog when writing it and it sorta got out of hand(no pun intended).
I was a little surprised you didn't find it overly funny; when i read your 'Total ' short, I could see a vague connection in the type of humour. But, as you say,humour is very subjective and something funny to some, isn't really to others. I've tried something different for my upcoming new comedy script - i have no swearing, no porn stuff in it, just hopefully funny one liners and a bit of slapstick. It will be interesting for me to see the reaction.
I may go through 'God's' at some stage in the future and see what I can change. It was all just spontaneous writing, more an enema than anything else! Cheers and hurry up with 'Deliverance'!

Quoted from stevie I was a little surprised you didn't find it overly funny; when i read your 'Total ' short, I could see a vague connection in the type of humour.

I think maybe the connection is the language, not necessarily the humour. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to read 80 pages of "Total...", if you now what I mean.

Quoted from stevie Cheers and hurry up with 'Deliverance'!

It's done and submitted but if you can't wait for it to be posted then you can check it out here.

Hi Rob, yeah I see your point. Hey, can't wait to read 'Deliverance'! will get on it ASAP. I just submitted a new comedy, a parody of The Lord of the Rings. Probably be up at the same time. see ya!

Hey Stevie!!!

I sort of enjoyed this script. Does it have problems? You bet! But over all, I enjoyed it. I really liked the idea here. I thought it was great with these slacker/loser dudes that end up in heaven and then heaven not being at all what most people think. I loved that Jesus had an axe to grind with God. How freaking brilliant is that?

I also loved the idea that God deems the humans a failed "experiment/project" and has decided to erase it all and start from
scratch. You really do have a great general idea here! But...now you need to fix the things that bring this script down.

First off, I lost my notes after the first day, but I remember there was a joke about elephants and tasks...they have tusks, not tasks. That's the only thing I remember. LOL. The rest I will do from memory.

I would have liked to see a little bit more of the guys in the very beginning. I loved the beginning, but I think things happen a tad too fast. Why not establish characters a little more before the earthquake? I really did like how they all went down though with the table and chair and all. Great stuff there.

What was the reason God had picked the four guys out?

I had a big problem with the protag. There was no clear protag. Was it Nick? It was sort of an ensamble piece in the set-up, but then Jack and Eric kind of disappears.

Phil was cool, but what happened to him?

I liked God and Tanya. Jesus was less interesting even if that plotline was good.

I think the basic story here is good and you have raised some good questions while being pretty funny too. As far as a script goes though, it is VERY dialogue heavy. It is also a very short script, so I'd like to see you turn this into a real feature by adding 10-15 pages. Sounds like a lot? Shouldn't be. All you have to do is break up some of your really condensed action paragraphs, add a bit of character development, add some visuals (which are sorely missing) and you'll be done.  

I think the premise was good and I think you can make a good script out of this one. I really enjoyed reading it...porn and all!  

i'll get back with more tomorrow after a good night's sleep.  

Hi Pia! Wow, how did you dredge this one up? Never expected it to get another read!
This is the second feature I ever wrote - over a year ago - and you can see where my writing was at that stage. I was still learning heaps, having just signed onto SS.

Yeah, it was just this crazy idea i had, and I ran with it. It is very dialogue heavy(and porn rich!) One day I'll get back to it. I did no revison on it at all, just fixed up the slugs and got rid of heaps of wrylies.
Glad u dug it!

Cheers stevie.

Quoted from stevie How did you dredge this one up?.

It was the first one in your sig!!  

I know what you mean about not returning to a script. It happens to me all the time. Once I reach the end of the first draft, I usually don't ever even read it over. Bad, I know...

In your case I think you should take a few days and do a re-write of this one. I really liked the basics of it.

Pia

You've sort of inspired me, Pia! I'll read through it again and do some salvage work on it.
I had planned to nut out some ideas for a new script, a zombie one. I can do a bit of both, I spose.
Don't we usually have another OWC around this time?

Cheers again, Pia. Oh, and GD is the second script in my sig.


PS - I didn't give the boys any real backstory(apart from Jack's rich family and Ziggy's tough upbringing) because I felt we didn't need to know much about their life on Earth. They were gonna be dead for 98% of the script, so the story was about their afterlife experience.