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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Perth Problem Moderators: bert
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  Author    Perth Problem  (currently 165 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: February 10th, 2017, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Virginia
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Perth Problem by Ryan Worrall - Comedy - Two Best friends from a small town travel to Toronto, Ontario in search of an internet girlfriend. 103 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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eldave1
Posted: February 10th, 2017, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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Took a quick peak. It was a rough start for me.


Quoted Text
1 INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT 1


Why are you numbering your nights and days?? Also - you don't need to number the scene headings.


Quoted Text
A typical family's dining room, there are plates with bits
of food on the table. EMILY TENNANT sits at the table typing
on her laptop computer. DAVID TENNANT walks in, and starts
to clear the table. Emily closes her computer, gets up and
starts to help clear the dishes.


Need a period after "room". there should be the start of a new sentence.

Would be helpful to include the age of your characters.

I would break this up into two or three action blocks.


Quoted Text
EMILY
Here Dad let me help you with
those


Missing a comma


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Wworrall
Posted: February 13th, 2017, 11:48am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Why are you numbering your nights and days?? Also - you don't need to number the scene headings


That was the script writing program, guess it made thing easier to go from scene to scene.


Appreciate the input, probably going to be more than a few missed Commas/ Periods. Hopefully it didn't put you off enjoying the script though

Thanks,
- Ryan
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