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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Cracked Moderators: bert
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  Author    Cracked  (currently 374 views)
Posted: July 1st, 2017, 9:15pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Cracked by Christopher Mayfield - Comedy. Drama, Crime - An aimless computer hacker creates a stolen credit card website as he plays a cat and mouse with Secret Service agents and Russian hitmen. 108 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Posted: August 6th, 2017, 8:48pm Report to Moderator

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So far this is an interesting premise, but some of the dialogue is really "expositional", i.e. the first Alvin and his mother scene where it's revealed that his dad is in jail, the FBI was after him, etc. If you could work in more subtext, plays on words, metaphor, gestures instead of words, etc, it could go a long way.

Also, I highly recommend you fill in the title page. A lot of readers won't bother to read on if careful attention to detail isn't payed to those very important first few pages. I'll keep reading though...

Good luck!
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