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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Dogfather Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Dogfather  (currently 320 views)
Don
Posted: April 15th, 2018, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Dogfather by Darryl Allen - Comedy, Animation - A promiscuous stray dog gets a one night stand pregnant. 109 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Gerasimos
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
Red


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First 10 pages-
Expert writing skills, will go through the whole thing in a couple of days.
"And thatís supposed to make humans think that the Shop ďisnítĒ ran by pedophiles" - " I LoLed so hard.

Definitely my type of humour.

Uh, no thanks. Iím not a domestic dog > I'm not that kind of a domestic dog would sound even better ...

Just a question. Why the camera angles/shots?


Features:
KTT PART ONE: THE POLAR CABAL
NIHILUM - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY
EGEND

SHORTS:
LOST SOULS
WHEN ANGELS SING


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LoganH
Posted: May 2nd, 2018, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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80 pages in.

Absolutely love the idea. Not big on the story.

The tone also changes a lot. The beginning part of the story starts off raunchy, but once we get to Lucky joining Lucy's household, it becomes serious and touchy-feely without a lot of humor.

I don't feel the tension of an A story throughout your script. It just moves from one story to the next. At first, we have the pregnancy, and then we move on to what I think is your attempt to build a conflict between Walter and Lucky. It seems you solve their riff once they go fishing and with the robbery, but it doesn't naturally open up your next story of the wedding.
Should we open another door once one door closes? Absolutely, but don't force it.

Now we arrive at Lucky walking out on the wedding. While I believe that's related to the pregnancy, it doesn't feel like it with the way the story is written. It feels like a separate obstacle. The script moves from A story to B story to C story instead of an A story that encompasses a B and C story.

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