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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Bowman Party Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Bowman Party  (currently 291 views)
Don
Posted: September 1st, 2018, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Bowman Party by Nolan - Comedy, Mocumentary - An aspiring clown has big dreams of performing at the Bowman Party, but will have to contend with an over confident magician who has no shame. 91 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Nolan
Posted: September 1st, 2018, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for getting this up, Don!

If anyone is interested in giving me feedback on this script, I'd be more than happy to return the favour.

Thanks,

Nolan
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Gerasimos
Posted: September 2nd, 2018, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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Couple notes on the first 30 pages.

Formatting/grammar looks solid. Although there is a lot of scene changing without using new scene headings every single time, I now get the back and forth between eg. the basement and the rest. Took me 5 minutes, but that's ok I guess.
Probably change a bit some unfilmables, like "Her two packs a day voice are what nightmares are made of" or "Desmond´┐Żs glare burns a hole in the back of his head".

One comment only regarding the pacing, I feel that the script has some glory moments both action and dialogue (the court scene at the start, the hierarchy dialogue, the shoe-card trick, etc) but also some bland/uninteresting ones.

Easy to read, some scenes make me asking for more.

I will finish this first, then I'll come back for a full review.


Features:
KTT PART ONE: THE POLAR CABAL
NIHILUM - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY
EGEND

SHORTS:
LOST SOULS
WHEN ANGELS SING


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Nolan
Posted: September 3rd, 2018, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Gerasimos,

Thanks for the comment.  It's greatly appreciated.

Nolan
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eldave1
Posted: September 6th, 2018, 10:41am Report to Moderator
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Nolan; I read the first 20.

Craftsmanship = a solid "A". Everything clear and concise - an easy breezy read. I really have nothing to offer there. You got chops, dude.

Comedy Meter = C for me: . Note, this is just for me since comedy is such a personal taste thing - what I don't find funny, others could find hilarious and much of the first 20 is going to be visual comedy and that always can play out funnier on the screen then on the page.   So while it didn't strike a chord with me, stick to your guns - it may well be very funny to others.

Premise =Both an  A and a C.

A Mockumentary of a talent contest is a very solid premise -  You get an A there. You do well with your character voices in this regard (i.e. mockumentary style - especially when it comes to the rich wife).  

The "C" part - I did have problems with the specific premise (clowns, magicians) since there was no real world thing I could think of to mock.  By way of example, Little Miss Sunshine mocked beauty pageants - there are a ton of those so it was instantly relatable to me. Best In Show - same thing - it was mocking a real world thing.  So, if this was mocking something akin to America's Got Talent, or American Idol, Penn and Teller's Fool Us it would resonate more with me then mocking a kids birthday party used as a talent contest - i.e., mocking something that doesn't exist. Hope that makes sense.

A logic issue on the first 20 - He already sent in his audition tape and then several pages later he's shopping for clown gear - wouldn't he have all this stuff before the tape???

BUT - you can write! Some of the easiest stuff to get through that I've read. Talent is obvious.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Nolan
Posted: September 6th, 2018, 11:28am Report to Moderator
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Dave,

To receive a comment like that from such a talented writer is very humbling, so thank you very much!  

The points you make are very valid.  Perhaps the competition for a rich kid's birthday party may not be the way to go.  I'll have to do some evaluation there.  

As for the clown gear, it was my intention for him to be updating his costume, and not just getting new items.  I'll have to fix that.  

Again, thank you so much for the comment and the props!  Coming from you, it truly means a lot!

Nolan
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eldave1
Posted: September 6th, 2018, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Nolan
Dave,

To receive a comment like that from such a talented writer is very humbling, so thank you very much!  

The points you make are very valid.  Perhaps the competition for a rich kid's birthday party may not be the way to go.  I'll have to do some evaluation there.  

As for the clown gear, it was my intention for him to be updating his costume, and not just getting new items.  I'll have to fix that.  

Again, thank you so much for the comment and the props!  Coming from you, it truly means a lot!

Nolan

My pleasure. Glad you found them useful


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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khamanna
Posted: September 9th, 2018, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

I checked out the first 20 a while ago, read them from my phone, and only now got a hold of my computer.

I liked the idea, the writing and the approach. I distinctly see who it's going to be about. There are two major characters. If there are more I'd say you have to introduce them in your first 10-20. But I got a feeling there's not going to be more and the guy who wants to be the clown and the magician who despises them - nice premise.
I say give us an idea why the Bowman Show is a gold ticket for them. Just let us know what the venture is. Otherwise sounds very made up just to fit the premise.
Also, for me, the comedy element is not quite there. I think you could add more texture and introduce the main things earlier in the story - the way his Father goes about the guy dropping everything he starts. I thought it was visual and fun, and I suggest you introduce it earlier in the script. Also, I feel like you could make it funnier. Show some consequences of his acts - he catches butterflies, puts it in an aquarium and doesn't feed it. Butterflies are dead. You can make it even more slapstick - he wants to help the disabled, helps a blind person cross the road and leave him mid-way, in the middle of the road or something.
Another moment you could introduce earlier is the magician talking bad about the clowns. And infuse it with examples. By the way, I didn't quite understand why you showed us your clown (main guy) not being able to perform the trick. The flow is not quite there in that part for me.

good luck to you with it, I may read more later, it's just I've got a lot of catching up to do, and I also need to start looking for a job, too. Otherwise, you kept me curious and overall it was a fun read. And the fact it's a low-budget foundfootage makes me wonder about it even more.
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Nolan
Posted: September 9th, 2018, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Khamanna.

I thinking about taking a step back with this one and trying to re-work it.

Appreciate the advice!

Nolan
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