Crime Never Pays by Timothy Michael Stoneman - Drama, Crime - "Crime Never Pays" is set in a fictional modern Los Angeles where a college dropout, Billy, tired of being a so-cal 'low-class prick', lands the opportunity of his life when he comes upon the underworld of L.A. organized crime, enjoying life alongside his gangster colleagues while an FBI Agent traces Billy's steps as the agent comes closer to putting away the one he's been searching for, as well as other crooks in the city. 129 pages - pdf, format

I'm not liking the V.O. Firstly it's too reminiscent of Goodfellas, and second, it doesn't add much more to the character/scene than we already see. We get this guy's badass attitude through what he says and how he acts, not his V.O.

And something about the dialogue just feels off. From the very first page:

Quoted Text You can never tell when shit’s about to go down, unless you’re a fuckin’ retard. The way I see it’s nothing but pure pressure. And that’s a bitching.

"The way I see it is nothing but pure pressure" sounds off. Is it supposed to be "the way I see it, it is nothing but?" And pure pressure doesn't sound like something that people say. And I don't think people call things "bitchings." Maybe that's the point: that he has this unfamiliar ganster vernacular, but I'm not liking it.

And the weird lines just continue. "His name's John - like my grandfather" just seems out of nowhere. Or "I don’t see how that is, consistently." What does that mean "consistently?"

Same problem occurs in your action lines. "Agent Banagan looking like he might dashingly lose his temper. " What do you mean dashingly? General rule of thumb is to avoid adverbs like that (not all the time, but here you can see that it's unnecessary. Some actions you can take out altogether since they're unfilmable and don't say anything more than the dialogue already implies.

For example

Quoted Text It’s like Billy wants to purposely mock the sorry ass out of Banagan.

Quoted Text He looks more bad-ass whenever he has [a cigarette].

Quoted Text He’s very majestic-like.

Lines like "How long’s this interrogation gonna take? I gotta take a shit pretty soon." are hilarious. I like that.

I wouldn't put a huge hit song like Gimme Shelter in there. Usually that's not the writer's decision. And wait a second, wasn't it also in GOODFELLAS? Don't get me wrong, man, Goodfellas is prime cinema, and while it's fine to look to it for ideas, find a way to distance yourself from it.

7 pages is a little too long for an intro. Find a way to condense these two interrogation scenes into one. And even go as far as to take them out. Maybe this is nitpicking, but the whole "FREEZE FRAME - hey how'd we get here" then flashback is a cliche. It's sort of an amateur move, especially since the prison situation isn't the most exciting. Let's look at the first scene of Goodfellas again. First scene starts out as a harmless car ride, but then it ESCALATES LIKE A MOTHERFUCKA when Pesci starts stabbing the guy in the trunk. Then you get the "I've always wanted to be a gangster." The scene is 3/4 minutes has a twist and gets us interested in what happens next. Some cop yelling at some dweeb criminal is something we've seen a million times, so find a way to make it exciting and interesting. The beginning is only there to introduce these two characters, so the plot details of what this agent wants or what Billy did aren't that crucial, especially if we get to them later in the film.

I apologize if I'm coming off as harsh. It's not as bad as I'm making it seem. You just gotta iron out and cut some things.

I read the first 10 pages of your script and here are some of my thoughts.

Page 1 The Voice over is a little off putting. I truly believe that the use of voice over’s is a little over done and cliché. It’s sometimes more of a crutch than anything for writers, and I kind of feel like this might be the case for you.

Page 1 The dialogue with the Prison Guard. I’d probably just say “You’re wanted for questioning by Agent Banagan.” And drop the first name. Just seems like you’re forcing us to know who is name is.

Page 1 Also there’s a spelling mistake in the first line for Agent Banagan. You say her but I think you meant to say here.

Page 1 The action line “Billy’s got the case of know-it-all syndrome. He wants to play straight” Show, don’t tell.

Page 2 Watch the spelling mistakes. End of the page with Agent Banagan line of dialogue.

Page 3 “It’s like Billy wants to purposely mock the sorry ass out of Banagan.
Banagan starts to feel remotely disfigured over Billy’s stubborn wisecracking
approach toward him.” Once again, show, don’t tell.

Page 5 I’ve already stated how I feel about voice-overs. I don’t think the voice over about the Great Gatsby really fits. Keep the scene maybe, and just show him tossing the book aside in a disgusted state.

Page 6 Like the last post, I’d probably combine the two interrogation scenes. Things seem to kind of drag on. I wanna be hooked into this story.

Page 7 Unless you plan on directing this film, the song choice is the directors.

The scene’s where Billy is at college and with his friend Frank weren’t bad. The dialogue for the Professor was convincing. I’d maybe rethink about how you would describe him. I just think saying he’s nerdy looking is kind of lazy. You can do better than that.

Overall:

A good thing is Billy has his own voice that stands out from the rest. I kind of heard a little Joe Pesci in my head when I was reading lines for Billy. Not sure what that really means though.

On the other hand Agent Banagan’s dialogue isn’t very convincing. To robotic at some points.

Your action lines weren’t overly done, but seemed to be just right. There were some points where you could cut just because you were telling us and not showing us.

I hope this feedback helps and good luck the rest of the way.

Well, I took your advice and re-trimmed a part of what you thought was wrong with the script. And for the record, the story's suppose to start slow at first, until the build-up starts coming along. Hope this re-edited script helps. If not, I wouldn't mind try fixing more problems if it needs it. Thanks for your help.