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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Heavy Metal Labyrinth Moderators: bert
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  Author    Heavy Metal Labyrinth  (currently 174 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: January 8th, 2017, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
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Heavy Metal Labyrinth by Jake Katalay - Drama, Dark Comedy - A SWAT officer named Victor Rourke is trapped in a hellish place called the Heavy Metal Labyrinth, with no idea where he is, and how to escape. He must depend on two other people trapped inside, and weapons to survive.  94 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: January 9th, 2017, 2:18pm Report to Moderator
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This one has some issues right out of the shoot.


Quoted Text
INT. THE JACKAL FUNHOUSE - REYMUS’ HEAVY METAL LABYRINTH


Not a proper heading - no time (DAY, NIGHT) indicated.


Quoted Text
The Jackal Funhouse is crude looking. There’s spray painting
and wood furniture everywhere. The entire funhouse is made
from wood. It’s pretty old and croaky. It could fall apart
any minute.


Don't need to mention the Jackal House - it's already in your heading. You could simply open with Crude looking.


Quoted Text
There’s puzzles, teddy bears, and children toys laying
around. A man is buried in colorful alphabet blocks. He has
several tatts on his arms, and one on his neck. He looks
husky and hardened. He’s wearing short sleeve SWAT Riot
armor. There’s a trickle of blood drooling from his mouth.
His name is Victor ROURKE, late 30’s


Should be They're - not There's. Not needed in either case though.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Bold
Posted: January 9th, 2017, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
Red


I'll knock you into Science!

Location
Pacific Northwest
Posts
38
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Jake I am begging you:

Keep all your writing in 12pt, Courier font.  The crazy-font-sizes-like-Max-Landis is an irritating gimmick.  It makes your writing more difficult to read.  Unlearn that habit, I fear it's going to alienate more readers than it will win over.

And please reciprocate with feedback on this forum.  As you may remember, lack of reciprocation is why I shut down my old forum and sought an alternative (two big thumbs up for SimplyScripts!).


Bold on IMDB



Æternum "Reasons Unknown" (Pilot) • Thriller, Horror, Sci-Fi • 58 Pages

I will reciprocate feedback!
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