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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  The Maneuver Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Maneuver  (currently 306 views)
Posted: July 29th, 2017, 7:42am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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The Maneuver by Matthew H Emma - Drama - A tormented socialite fights to prove her innocence after a wealthy industrialist accuses her of causing a fatal car wreck.  113 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Posted: August 6th, 2017, 1:24pm Report to Moderator

Sydney Australia
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A interesting story, but jumps from scene to scene. The dialogue is short and and shap, give your chacracters a little bit more to say. I found it odd that the night club scene goes straight to a court scene. What went on in-between? How did we get from club to court? I have a quote from David Mamet stuck on the wall above my PC, I look at everytime before I start. The quote is: " every scene should answer three questions: who wants what? What happens if they don't get it? What now?

Patrick J Gillespie
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Posted: August 7th, 2017, 8:51pm Report to Moderator

London, Ontario
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Started reading this, at page 30 at the moment.

So far it's a decent story, here are my issues thus far.

For intros, lose the hair colours of everyone, the judge and bailiff can
be described as that, a judge and bailiff. Also being a judge insinuates
that she will have a black robe on. Who where they dark and light haired guys? I assume
Ted and Philippe? Best to just get their names out right away.

Page 17 "SEVERAL DINERS pore over Phillipe. Darly cringes and surrenders to the ground. Phillipe drops to the ground and clutches Darly’s chin. "

You mean pour not pore. Not sure what happens, do they other people just watch or do the move on Phillipe?

Try and find other words to replaces "snares" after reading it a few times already makes it stick out like a sore thumb.

I'm definitely liking both Maria's and Darly's parts in this story. Maria's more so because she has a strong reason and desire not to take the fall again.

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