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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Dramedy Scripts  ›  Maddie and Milie
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  Author    Maddie and Milie  (currently 183 views)
Don
Posted: September 30th, 2017, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Maddie and Millie by Wade C Taylor - Dramedy - A black ex-con accompanies his girlfriend on a cross-country trip to visit  her married twin sister and her racist white cop husband in Florida during election year 2016.  81 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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eldave1
Posted: September 30th, 2017, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Wade - my impressions from the first few pages.

1. Your dialogue is crazy good. Solid. Just lose the annoying bold words you occasionally throw in. Once in a while is fine - but four on the first two pages - no - let the actors figure out the emphasis. And - the dialogue is great. No need to add the bold.

2. The descriptions are way over-written and in some cases poorly formatted.


Quoted Text
EXT. PORCH TERRACE -- DAY (2016)

We see the peaceful, picturesque mountains of Piedmont, West
Virgina in late afternoon. MADDIE WOLFORD, a 26-year-old
white woman, sits in a rocking chair and rests her bare feet
on the top porch rail overlooking a Potomac River sunset.


All kinds of problems here. Don't put a year in the scene heading - there is no way to shoot that. If the year is important, put it in a SUPER. If it isn't important, ignore it.

Lose the "we sees". It's a bad habit to start.

Don't tell us it's late afternoon - describe it so we know it.

I wouldn't start with a porch scene heading and then start with the mountains. If you wanted to start that way - could have EXT. MOUNTAINS

Anyway - could go with something like:

EXT. PORCH TERRACE - DAY

MADDIE WOLFORD (26), sits in a rocking chair resting her bare feet
on the top porch rail as she watches the sun set in the far off mountains.

SUPER: PIEDMONT, WEST VIRGINIA - 2016.

And then go on from there.


Quoted Text
Her beauty is at once uncomplicated and unquestionable.


Not sure I know what that means. Country pretty? Like, natural with no make-up?

The songs are going to be problematic from a license perspective and may throw some off. But to me - they just changed to fast - three of them in the span of a minute of screen time.  That's pretty chaotic.


Quoted Text
The unmistakably spooky, afro-funk intro to Peter Gabriel's
"Shock the Monkey" begins playing. Maddie calmly exhales a
plume of smoke and takes a sip from a beer bottle on the
stand beside her before speaking.


Again - over written. All you need is:

Maggie exhales a plume of smoke, takes a sip of beer.

MADDIE
Thorne, baby, are you in the mood....

Anyway - I think you have talent - the dialogue is fascinating. But the description and format issues are going to kill you. They are more novel like than script like. Take a look at a few for comparison purposes.

Best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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khamanna
Posted: October 1st, 2017, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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I started reading it, then wanted to stop and post a question if the writer was around before going any further with the reading. But then I finished the whole thing - it just grabbed my attention and wouldn't let go.

I know you know that this is outdated though. And you posted recently without making amends. I wonder if it's here for political discussion.

If you're around I'd give you my thoughts on the script.
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Wade
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the tips,  eldave1.  You make some very good points and provide useful advice.
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Wade
Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you as well, Khamanna.  Glad I grabbed your attention.
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