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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Dramedy Scripts  ›  Maddie and Milie
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  Author    Maddie and Milie  (currently 632 views)
Posted: September 30th, 2017, 7:41am Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Maddie and Millie by Wade C Taylor - Dramedy - A black ex-con accompanies his girlfriend on a cross-country trip to visit  her married twin sister and her racist white cop husband in Florida during election year 2016.  81 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Posted: September 30th, 2017, 8:53pm Report to Moderator

Southern California
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Wade - my impressions from the first few pages.

1. Your dialogue is crazy good. Solid. Just lose the annoying bold words you occasionally throw in. Once in a while is fine - but four on the first two pages - no - let the actors figure out the emphasis. And - the dialogue is great. No need to add the bold.

2. The descriptions are way over-written and in some cases poorly formatted.

Quoted Text

We see the peaceful, picturesque mountains of Piedmont, West
Virgina in late afternoon. MADDIE WOLFORD, a 26-year-old
white woman, sits in a rocking chair and rests her bare feet
on the top porch rail overlooking a Potomac River sunset.

All kinds of problems here. Don't put a year in the scene heading - there is no way to shoot that. If the year is important, put it in a SUPER. If it isn't important, ignore it.

Lose the "we sees". It's a bad habit to start.

Don't tell us it's late afternoon - describe it so we know it.

I wouldn't start with a porch scene heading and then start with the mountains. If you wanted to start that way - could have EXT. MOUNTAINS

Anyway - could go with something like:


MADDIE WOLFORD (26), sits in a rocking chair resting her bare feet
on the top porch rail as she watches the sun set in the far off mountains.


And then go on from there.

Quoted Text
Her beauty is at once uncomplicated and unquestionable.

Not sure I know what that means. Country pretty? Like, natural with no make-up?

The songs are going to be problematic from a license perspective and may throw some off. But to me - they just changed to fast - three of them in the span of a minute of screen time.  That's pretty chaotic.

Quoted Text
The unmistakably spooky, afro-funk intro to Peter Gabriel's
"Shock the Monkey" begins playing. Maddie calmly exhales a
plume of smoke and takes a sip from a beer bottle on the
stand beside her before speaking.

Again - over written. All you need is:

Maggie exhales a plume of smoke, takes a sip of beer.

Thorne, baby, are you in the mood....

Anyway - I think you have talent - the dialogue is fascinating. But the description and format issues are going to kill you. They are more novel like than script like. Take a look at a few for comparison purposes.

Best of luck

My Scripts can all be seen here:
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Posted: October 1st, 2017, 4:02pm Report to Moderator

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I started reading it, then wanted to stop and post a question if the writer was around before going any further with the reading. But then I finished the whole thing - it just grabbed my attention and wouldn't let go.

I know you know that this is outdated though. And you posted recently without making amends. I wonder if it's here for political discussion.

If you're around I'd give you my thoughts on the script.
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Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 5:00pm Report to Moderator

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Thank you for the tips,  eldave1.  You make some very good points and provide useful advice.
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Posted: October 23rd, 2017, 5:02pm Report to Moderator

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Thank you as well, Khamanna.  Glad I grabbed your attention.
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