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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Dramedy Scripts  ›  Slightly Mad
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  Author    Slightly Mad  (currently 141 views)
Don
Posted: July 8th, 2018, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Slightly Mad by David Fell - Dramedy - Harry's parents die in a car crash and he and best friend Radio embark on a sex, drugs and alcohol spree that would put the Rolling Stones to shame. Then he meets Michelle, Granny steps into the fray and it seems like it's time to settle down. But, somehow, he just can't stop being Harry. 90 pages - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 9th, 2018, 11:45am
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: July 8th, 2018, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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David: Obvious from the start that you need to brush up on some of the basics.


Quoted Text
Slightly Mad


Should be on a separate title page along with written by.


Quoted Text
1 INT HOTEL EDINBURGH NIGHT


All your scene headings are formatted wrong and you don't need to number them. The above should be:

INT.  HOTEL EDINBURGH - NIGHT


Quoted Text
There is a happy wedding in full swing. A large ballroom entertains guests dancing gaily; a bride dips delightedly in tandem with her new husband, a good-looking super-hero of a young man, all teeth and muscles. HARRY, thirties, dark, dishevelled hair, good-looking in a gaunt, deep, intense sort of a way, bow-tie undone, smiles darkly at the proceedings and walks confidently up to a deserted bar and speaks to a smartly-dressed, middle-aged, equally dark-looking barman.


- Break up large action blocks into smaller bite sized chunks. Best when our eyes change from one action to another.

- All characters - even unnamed ones should be in CAPs when first into'd.

- Don't need unnecessary descriptions (e.g., we know a wedding is full swing from your description. Also if you add ballroom to your header - you don't need to add that in action.  

- You don't need to include stuff like speaks to when dialogue follows - the dialogue tells us that.

The above should be something like:

INT.  HOTEL EDINBURGH/BALLROOM - NIGHT

GUESTS dance

A BRIDE dips delightedly in tandem with her GROOM, good-looking, all teeth and muscles.

HARRY (30s) , dark, dishevelled hair, good-looking gaunt, bow-tie undone, smiles darkly at the proceedings as he strides towards a deserted bar manned by a smartly-dressed, BARTENDER.

Or something like that. Right now your descriptions/actions are written more novel like than script like.

Hope this helps


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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