David: Obvious from the start that you need to brush up on some of the basics.
Should be on a separate title page along with written by.
1 INT HOTEL EDINBURGH NIGHT
All your scene headings are formatted wrong and you don't need to number them. The above should be:
INT. HOTEL EDINBURGH - NIGHT
There is a happy wedding in full swing. A large ballroom entertains guests dancing gaily; a bride dips delightedly in tandem with her new husband, a good-looking super-hero of a young man, all teeth and muscles. HARRY, thirties, dark, dishevelled hair, good-looking in a gaunt, deep, intense sort of a way, bow-tie undone, smiles darkly at the proceedings and walks confidently up to a deserted bar and speaks to a smartly-dressed, middle-aged, equally dark-looking barman.
- Break up large action blocks into smaller bite sized chunks. Best when our eyes change from one action to another.
- All characters - even unnamed ones should be in CAPs when first into'd.
- Don't need unnecessary descriptions (e.g., we know a wedding is full swing from your description. Also if you add ballroom to your header - you don't need to add that in action.
- You don't need to include stuff like speaks to when dialogue follows - the dialogue tells us that.
The above should be something like:
INT. HOTEL EDINBURGH/BALLROOM - NIGHT
A BRIDE dips delightedly in tandem with her GROOM, good-looking, all teeth and muscles.
HARRY (30s) , dark, dishevelled hair, good-looking gaunt, bow-tie undone, smiles darkly at the proceedings as he strides towards a deserted bar manned by a smartly-dressed, BARTENDER.
Or something like that. Right now your descriptions/actions are written more novel like than script like.
Hope this helps