SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 25th, 2017, 8:45pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
Always Looking for Good Short Scripts and Good Short Script Reviewers

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Script Review Exchange  ›  20 Page Drama short. - script exchange Moderators: the goose
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    20 Page Drama short. - script exchange  (currently 329 views)
LuisAnthony
Posted: May 14th, 2017, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Posts
111
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hello, I wrote this one about a year ago and I need to turn a short screenplay in for my final in film class. Thing is, I´m working on multiple personal projects at the moment and don´t have time to come up with something new for that class, so I want to turn in this short. However, I would love more feedback on this because I got very little. I want to know if this is any good and how to make it better, my teacher is very critical. I will in exchange read and review any of your shorts, since this one is 20 pages I can read two of your short scripts, or anything that length, give or take a few pages. Please let me know.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1464962473/
Logged Offline
Private Message
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 15th, 2017, 6:39am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
UK
Posts
2311
Posts Per Day
1.63
I'll try and give this a read tonight and drop you some notes'

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 6
eldave1
Posted: May 15th, 2017, 10:50am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
2620
Posts Per Day
2.28
Most of the dialogue is fine. The story premise is solid. I do think you descriptive passages could be more efficient and think you are over directing the actors a little. I'll use page 1 as an example:

SPOILERS


Quoted Text
FADE IN:

ON A TICKING CLOCK

The gentle tick of the clock is the only sound that brings life to a
depressing room.

INT. BEDROOM – MORNING



You don't need separate scenes for the clock and the room. Also, you need to tell us what "depressing" is.  For example:

INT. BEDROOM – MORNING

Sparsely furnished, dimly lit.  The TICK-TICK of a clock the only sound.


Quoted Text
AELRIC sits on a chair, blankly staring at a wall. He appears
to be in his twenties; a young and healthy young man. However, his
eyes appear old and given up. He stares out the window; his dead
eyes fix on the busy street.


The description contradicts itself - is he staring at the wall or out the window? You could also just mention the dead old eyes once


Quoted Text
SHOT OF HIS HANDS
His hands are held together. A line of rings inhabit his ring
finger; some golden, other silver – marriage rings.


I do not think you need a separate shot for this and I would make it more active (his hands held together sounds like they are bound by someone) - try something like:

He interlocks his fingers. A line of rings....

And I don't know why you even need that much. Does it matter where his hands are? The fascinating part if the rings. Why not just describe that. e.g., His ring finger is lined ...



Quoted Text
There is a knock on the door.
MAN(O.S)
Aelric!


CAP sounds. e.g., A KNOCK on the door.


Quoted Text
Aelric sighs.

AELRIC
What?

MAN(O.S)
He´s here.

Aelric sighs once again, frustrated.


Don't give us two sighs - be a little more creative. Maybe the second time - he grimaces, or clenches his teeth, drums his fingers - something other than another sigh


Quoted Text
The door opens and an older man walks in.

This is EDWARD

Edward walks towards Aelric and settles right in front of him.

Aelric avoids Edward´s gaze, which causes him to frown.


This is kind of inefficient. Plus you have two walks - just need one. something like:

The door swings open. EDWARD (describe him) fills the frame. A pause, then he paces towards Aelric, settles in front of him.

Edward avoids Alerics eyes, stares out the window instead.

Like I said, most of the dialogue was fine. Just go thru the script and clean up the action lines.

Hope these are helpful



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 6
LuisAnthony
Posted: May 15th, 2017, 9:32pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Posts
111
Posts Per Day
0.07
Thank you so much eldave, i really needed some more feedback on this work!! I will definitely look over those action lines!! Please let me know if I can give you a read in return!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 6
eldave1
Posted: May 15th, 2017, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Southern California
Posts
2620
Posts Per Day
2.28
No problem -glad to help


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 6
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 17th, 2017, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
UK
Posts
2311
Posts Per Day
1.63
Sorry, fonally got to this...


Quoted Text
AELRIC sits still on a chair, blankly staring at a wall. He appears to be in his twenties; a young and healthy young man.


'young' is repeated unnecessarily.

Personally not a fan of things like 'Shot of his hands' in a spec script, leave it to director.


Quoted Text
I desire for him to leave.


That reads a little awkward.


Quoted Text
his eyes rejecting Aelric


Again it doescn't scan well, does it mean he looks away, won't meet his gaze etc?

Aeleric swiches between modern speech patterns and old ones, I'd try and  stick with one of them.

I'd suggest dropping CUT TO: the new scene heading shows that there's a cut.

I like the idea of the multipl wedding rings.

You can use SUPER: rather than SUPERIMPOSE TITLE

'A painting stand' - do you mean an easel?

Wasn't sure of the relevance of the beach, or the ending really... it just sort of petered out leaving me with a bunch of questions.



Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 6
LuisAnthony
Posted: May 21st, 2017, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
Purple



Posts
111
Posts Per Day
0.07
Thank you Anthony for the feedback! I will taking everything into consideration. Please let me know if I can give you a read in return!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 6
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Script Review Exchange  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006