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Hello, I wrote this one about a year ago and I need to turn a short screenplay in for my final in film class. Thing is, I´m working on multiple personal projects at the moment and don´t have time to come up with something new for that class, so I want to turn in this short. However, I would love more feedback on this because I got very little. I want to know if this is any good and how to make it better, my teacher is very critical. I will in exchange read and review any of your shorts, since this one is 20 pages I can read two of your short scripts, or anything that length, give or take a few pages. Please let me know.
Most of the dialogue is fine. The story premise is solid. I do think you descriptive passages could be more efficient and think you are over directing the actors a little. I'll use page 1 as an example:
ON A TICKING CLOCK
The gentle tick of the clock is the only sound that brings life to a depressing room.
INT. BEDROOM – MORNING
You don't need separate scenes for the clock and the room. Also, you need to tell us what "depressing" is. For example:
INT. BEDROOM – MORNING
Sparsely furnished, dimly lit. The TICK-TICK of a clock the only sound.
AELRIC sits on a chair, blankly staring at a wall. He appears to be in his twenties; a young and healthy young man. However, his eyes appear old and given up. He stares out the window; his dead eyes fix on the busy street.
The description contradicts itself - is he staring at the wall or out the window? You could also just mention the dead old eyes once
SHOT OF HIS HANDS His hands are held together. A line of rings inhabit his ring finger; some golden, other silver – marriage rings.
I do not think you need a separate shot for this and I would make it more active (his hands held together sounds like they are bound by someone) - try something like:
He interlocks his fingers. A line of rings....
And I don't know why you even need that much. Does it matter where his hands are? The fascinating part if the rings. Why not just describe that. e.g., His ring finger is lined ...
There is a knock on the door. MAN(O.S) Aelric!
CAP sounds. e.g., A KNOCK on the door.
MAN(O.S) He´s here.
Aelric sighs once again, frustrated.
Don't give us two sighs - be a little more creative. Maybe the second time - he grimaces, or clenches his teeth, drums his fingers - something other than another sigh
The door opens and an older man walks in.
This is EDWARD
Edward walks towards Aelric and settles right in front of him.
Aelric avoids Edward´s gaze, which causes him to frown.
This is kind of inefficient. Plus you have two walks - just need one. something like:
The door swings open. EDWARD (describe him) fills the frame. A pause, then he paces towards Aelric, settles in front of him.
Edward avoids Alerics eyes, stares out the window instead.
Like I said, most of the dialogue was fine. Just go thru the script and clean up the action lines.