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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›   Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 9th, 2009, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pub Lunch by Anthony Hudson (alffy) - Comedy, Horror - Three trainee chefs decide they need a break before their upcoming exams, but is the English countryside the best place, and have they ordered more than they can eat? 101 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  October 4th, 2012, 5:07am
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 3:46am Report to Moderator
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Hi Alffy,

I must say I really enjoyed this. It started out like  a northern road movie, but I loved how it quickly spun into league of gentlemen territory!

The laughs and gore were perfectly paced, the characters were funny, and it's one of the better scripts I've read recently.

Excellent work, chap.

Craig


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sniper
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 3:59am Report to Moderator
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Hey alffy,

Is this the feature version of Meat Pies?


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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alffy
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 7:08am Report to Moderator
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Yes it is Rob.

And cheers for the read Craig, and pointing out the spelling before I posted it.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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craig cooper-flintstone
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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No worries, it was well worth the read, and very funny.

Top job


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grademan
Posted: September 10th, 2009, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Alffy.

I liked this. The last 20 pages were especially good. Action and chopping!

A couple of questions:

Do you have any other ideas for the title? Pub Lunch seems a little drab. Chefs in Training? Maybe not.

I wasn't clear on the lads being chef trainees until they mentioned the Chef in passing. Perhaps more of a statement in the beginnng?

Is the opening scene supposed to be of their training kitchen or of the Arm's kitchen? I like the ambiguity. Your description of the carrot slicing is magical, since knives are usually held by someone's hand. I was thinking we were at Hogwarts.

Some funny lines in here. My wife always looks at me strangely when I laugh out loud by the PC monitor.

Story issues:  

Slow start to set up 3 protags and the chopping victims. Tension was better the last half. The first chop wasn't until page 14. A little outside the 10 page guideline. Just saying.

The lads never talk like they are chefs in training until the very end. Their should be some familiarity with the kitchen. Maybe they could notice the grinder is a top shelf grinder "Say look a that grinder -- isn't that the latest model?" Or not quite that lame.

The Kelly fallling for Gav thing wasn't quite believable. She's done this before. What was it about Gav that had her going against the family grain? Maybe if Kelly suspected the truth about her mother....

The logic of blaming the disappearances on bus crashes and a crooked cop doesn't hold up.  Close. But not quite.

The lads deciding to become THE chefs at the end wasn't likable at first. I felt it was too convenient. Maybe not. This will depend on the audience.

I did like how the secret about Kelly's mother popped out.

Kudos.

Gary
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alffy
Posted: September 12th, 2009, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Cheers for the read Gary


Quoted from grademan
Do you have any other ideas for the title? Pub Lunch seems a little drab.


I'm not that keen on the title either but I really couldn't think of anything better.


Quoted from grademan
I wasn't clear on the lads being chef trainees until they mentioned the Chef in passing.


Yeah, I wasn't sure I'd made it clear they were chefs but I didn't want to make it obvious from the start.


Quoted from grademan
Some funny lines in here. My wife always looks at me strangely when I laugh out loud by the PC monitor.


Lol, glad you found it funny.


Quoted from grademan
The lads never talk like they are chefs in training until the very end. Their should be some familiarity with the kitchen. Maybe they could notice the grinder is a top shelf grinder "Say look a that grinder -- isn't that the latest model?"


I like this idea, thanks man.


Quoted from grademan
The Kelly fallling for Gav thing wasn't quite believable. She's done this before. What was it about Gav that had her going against the family grain? Maybe if Kelly suspected the truth about her mother....


Another good point Gary.  Again I think I should improve this.  I wanted her to loath her father and find Laura annoying, that's why she finally decides to stop.  It's Gav's lovability that finally convinces her to stop.


Quoted from grademan
The logic of blaming the disappearances on bus crashes and a crooked cop doesn't hold up.  Close. But not quite.


I was going to come up with a whole long winded explaination of how the village has been getting away with murder but in the end I thought it would take too long and ditract from the story.  Also I figured there's plenty of horror films that I watch and think, how did no one else suspect what was going on lol.

Thanks again for the read Gary and also that you enjoyed it.  Your suggestions are very insightful and could well end up in the update.  Cheers mate.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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Brian M
Posted: September 12th, 2009, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Alffy,

I’m going to be honest and say I’m on the fence with this one. It does have numerous problems and comes across as a first draft that has had no revisions whatsoever but does have potential to be a good British horror/comedy, very much like “The Cottage”. Am I right in saying this is a feature based on one of your shorts? I could see this idea working very well for a short, but to make a feature out of this, your script may need a bit more “meat” to beef it up, especially on character development, which I will get to very soon.

The first thing I have to mention is the amount of errors in spelling and grammar throughout. That’s why I think this is a first draft. There must be about fifty or more instances where you missed out a question mark at the end of a sentence when there should have been one. Loads more instances when dialogue should have been broken up with a comma and wasn’t. Countless instances of the use of “lets” instead of “let’s”. They really did spoil the read for me but they can be easily fixed. I did start to list the mistakes but had to stop before page ten as it was taking a lot of time.  A few reads over should and you will catch them.

Your story holds up fine, with comedy and horror elements here. Lots of funny lines littered throughout, most leaving me with a smile on my face, some making me laugh out loud. Very British humour, some will get it, some don’t, it’s the same with all comedy. One flaw with the story for me is that everything was too predictable. The moment the pies were mentioned, I knew right away it was not normal meat inside them. It was also very obvious Kelly was involved when they ordered from the specials menu. I think you should try and make some of these things less obvious, so when you reveal Kelly to be involved, we are surprised. Same goes for Jason when he pulls the knife on Colin. We should be surprised the gay guy on the bus is in it too. I can’t speak for everyone, but nothing came as a surprise. I think things can be revealed slowly, like at the start you make the Butcher out to be the killer, then Howard, then it’s obvious everyone is involved. Maybe working on the reveals of Kelly and Jason being involved so they are not as obvious could help this greatly. The ending was a bit far out, but in my opinion, worked for the story. As for the start, it took a while for things to kick off, which can be a problem if readers go by the ten page rule.

The biggest problem I had was the characters. It was very hard to work out who your main characters were as you introduced Colin and Susan first, and then the three guys, all on the first page. It was quite a bit to take in and a few times I had to go back and check which one was the overweight one and so on. Character descriptions didn’t tell me much other than what they were wearing, nothing about they type of person they are. There are some exceptions, one description I noted, “He wears an old Rock band T-shirt, his beer gut hanging proudly over his waist band.”, that description was great and gave me a vision of this character. Other descriptions, like telling me they are wearing blue jeans and a whatever colour shirt didn’t work as well. On to the actual characters, the Butcher was the big bad guy but they took care of him pretty easily in the end. He should put up more of a fight. I got the feeling Jason was just gay for the sake of it, just to make him different from the others. Out of your three main characters, Mozza stood out, probably because he had all the good lines. There were nothing really special about the rest of them. We didn’t find out until the end about the Chef thing (I’ve only just noticed it’s mentioned in the logline), which I don’t know if that was intentional or not as it did feel like it was added on so they could make the pies at the end.

Gav and Kelly’s relationship was not very realistic. She has been doing what she’s been doing for a long time, yet she has feelings for Gav after winking at him across a bar? You’ve got to add more to there relationship for this to work. They should have a meaningful conversation in the bar where we find out more about there characters, Kelly’s mum for instance, Gav’s exams, things like that. Add more layers so we can care for them and then believe that Kelly would warn Gav to leave because she feels so strongly for him. The bit about Kelly’s mum seemed tagged on but should have been touched on much earlier. It seems it was just put there in the end so we could root for her despite her previous actions.

Our characters don’t feel much guilt after smashing Colin with the bus, even in the end when they are cooking pies. Show them feeling sorry for a bit, could go a long way. Telling us more about them, and not just what they’re wearing is a must for the next draft.

So that’s my thoughts on this. I won’t lie, I was a little disappointed as your short (The Chocolatier) is one of the best scripts I’ve read on this site. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not bad. I’m very sorry if I’ve came across as harsh but better being honest and saying everything I thought while reading. For me, right now it is very so-so, but could be much better with more work on the characters. I like British Comedy/Horror movies and this could fit in with the best of them with more work.  

Good Luck.

Brian
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alffy
Posted: September 13th, 2009, 8:01am Report to Moderator
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Cheers for your thoughts Brian, and your honesty.  

You're right, this is a first draft but I honestly didn't think I had quite so many spelling errors in it, sorry for that.

I'll try and beef up the characters a bit more for the rewrite and work on the relationship between Kelly and Gav.  I guess you're right in that they don't really connect, other than in the bedroom.

Some of the problems I had was simply adding story from the short but I thought I'd done it ok, and also I didn't want it to run much longer than it is but I guess I shouldn't worry about that and just add more to help my characters.

I'm glad you found it funny though.

Thanks for the read Brian.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Scoob
Posted: September 17th, 2009, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Anthony, sorry for the delay in getting to this one.

I remember the short you wrote which was really entertaining and a good laugh so I hope this will be just as good if not better now you have written it full length.
The following are mainly just observations I thought I would jot down as I read.

First ten pages are solid, a couple of nice one liners. Good work with describing the village and the residents. All flows very well and fast.
13: A moment, the door bursts open. Mozza stares at the decor.
I think you missed a word here - later - but I get the scene and it's pretty funny that he comes in, goes out then comes back in for a second look at the flower decorated room. * Quite a few of these happen.
14: Susan gets the meat cleaver but then you say an axe is removed?
The red fingernail in the pie - ugh.
All three lads have character - I can defiantly see a Danny Dyer in Mozza here! Dialogue is really funny,  and I think you have captured that British humour really well.
27: Am wondering what the bag was that Russ has in his teeth? Tobacco bag? Dope? I take it he's rolling a joint?
29: The continuous knitting scenes are quite quirky and amusing.
36:The bedroom scene with Gaz and Kelly was written well and the following one in the shed with Mozza was another laugh out loud moment or two.
42: Surprised to see Colin back on the scene! Thought the scene with him and Jason was another funny moment.
48: I take it this body is Doris!
53: Well written stuff here. Seems a lot more serious in tone.

Beautiful hills of bright yellow rapeseed and lush green
grass conjure the image of a patchwork quilt.

You do definitely have a great way of describing places really easily. I really like some of your descriptions throughout. I'd say this and your dialogue are the strongest points.

57: lol. Colin's luck seems to have finally run out. I was wondering what could go wrong with the coach!

Really enjoyed the following scenes with the aftermath of the coach and Mozz and Gaz dealing with Jason. I'd say the best bit of the script so far, very funny and entertaining!
81: Scene heading should be the kitchen and not the Butchers?

The final "fight" scene at the end was great stuff, funny and gory. I see you kept the ending of the short and used it in this one too, which still works really well.

This is a really funny script and it made me laugh quite a lot so is it is really difficult to find anything negative about something that makes me smile.
The only real problem here was you did have quite a few mismatches,  where you have forgot to put in an additional word in the sentences or dialogue. I was able to see what word was missing but it does happen quite frequently.

The story is good and simple. Three guys on a weekend away end up staying in a village where the locals eat the visitors. It works well mostly because of the excellent dialogue and the way you write. Short, informative and perfectly written descriptions that made it easy for me to "see". It takes me about an entire paragraph to write what you sum up in one sentence. Which made it also a very quick read.

At 87 pages, I think that is a good count to end up on but some might say you need it to be a bit longer. I'm trying to think of something that might be helpful in a future rewrite, but I can already see this being made into a movie because I think if you compare this up against The Cottage, there is not too much of a difference. Both have a simple story and what really carries them along are the characters and humour. I'm not sure if you really need to thicken the plot or add in an extra few kill scenes for the sake of it. It kinda just works as it is for me. I don't know if you have any plans on adding to this but I would be interested to see what they are.

Mozza and Gaz definitely were the star characters for me. Both had different characters and were both funny in different ways. I liked the way they interacted with each other, just the simple things, and the dialogue was always on the spot. Like I've said, I think this is a major factor in why I enjoyed this so much.
I think my only regret is that I remembered the short story so I kinda knew where you were going with it.

I'm sorry for the short review but I'm finding it difficult to find many problems other than the spelling hiccups!

I'd say you have written a really entertaining horror/comedy.

All the best,



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alffy
Posted: September 18th, 2009, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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Hey Malcolm

Cheers for the read mate, glad you enjoyed it.


Quoted from Scoob
I can defiantly see a Danny Dyer in Mozza here!


I'm glad, cos this is who I had in my mind when I wrote Mozza's character lol.

Sorry I missed the spelling and grammer, but thanks for pointing out the slug error, that's because I changed the whole Butchers to the Kitchen afterwards.  Also sorry about the ending, it noe being a surprise, but I liked the original so I wanted to keep as much of it as possible.


Quoted from Scoob
It takes me about an entire paragraph to write what you sum up in one sentence. Which made it also a very quick read.


Yeah but it takes me about an hour to write one sentence, and I'm not joking! lol

I wonder if you've read over Brian's thoughts from the post above, I'd be interested if you had any similar feelings about my characters being a little weak?  This is something I'm gonna work on for the rewrite.

I'm glad you enjoyed it though and more importantly found it funny as this was my main goal, making a horror but keeping the comedy throughout the story.

Cheers again Malc.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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Scoob
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Hi Anthony,

I've read Brian's comments and I can see where he is coming from. He has made some good points there about the characters.
I just didnt really expect too much character development because it might have swerved from being the comedy horror it is, to a deeper story which would have made it hard to then keep the humour up. I think you did a good job with the mix because if you went too serious, you could create a problem with blending the humour.
As it is now, I think it's well balanced so that you cant really take anything too seriously and the characters late revelations or choices (Kelly) can be taken with a pinch of salt.
I dont know if that makes much sense either!

If you are looking to tighten things up, then I would agree with Brian in that you would need to maybe work more on Kelly and why she has a sudden change of heart and the mother storyline could be hinted at earlier on.  Likewise with the guys, they mention cooking earlier on but I dont think they mention it much more after that. Maybe they are not just on a weekend break and are looking to research local cuisine in parts of the country where they might find some inspiration. Mozza might still have wanted to go abroad and try the foriegn range but they ended up going with Gaz's idea of up north to save money. I dunno, just maybe something to push that they are actually chefs themselves, or atleast in training to be.

Mozza and Gaz were the leads, I felt, so I didnt really mind the other characters parts being small because they were just minor characters that turned up when needed.

The antagonists worked for me because, again , I just felt this wasnt the kind of film that would be going in deep on backstory or wanted to take itself too seriously.

Hope that makes sense!







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Brian M
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I've just read over my comments again and I think I've came across like I hated this, which is 100% not true. A lot of this worked for me, I just had a few problems with the characters, especially Kelly.

Despite me being British, any kind of British horror/comedy rarley appeals to me. I thought "The Cottage" was average, I feel asleep through "Lesbian Vampire Killers" and I turned off "Shaun of the Dead" halfway through. Call me crazy. This script made me laugh more than those films. Don't get me wrong, some Brit films are great, I loved "Hot Fuzz" and "Eden Lake" but the horror/comedy ones have never really grabbed me and I don't know why. Maybe that's why I was 50/50 on this when I first read it.

I'm not trying to say every character should have an in-depth backstory, just a little work here and there. Kelly was the major problem, her relationship with Gav and how she changes her mind so quickly without ever having a real conversation with him, how the revelation with her mother comes out of the blue at the end. The rest, like the Butcher, just a little work.

As a horror/comedy, every character doesn't need a dramatic backstory. If they did, it wouldn't work. This shouldn't be taken seriously but the point I was getting at, if the character does have a backstory, like Kelly about her mother, hint at it earlier so it doesn't come out of the blue at the end. I will stress again, this is a good script, funnier than most Brit horror/comedies I've seen, even though it didn't come across as such in my first post.

Hope that clears things up a bit!
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alffy
Posted: September 20th, 2009, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Malcolm,

cheers for your thoughts again, and I too think that in a comedy as this is, the characters backgrounds are not really that important.  I guess the whole Kelly turning good is the biggest issue I have here and is now top of my list for the rewrite.

Brian,

thanks for checking back and adding more thoughts.  Not been a fan of British horror comedy, I'm just glad you didn't hate this lol.  As for your previous comments, whether they came across as all negative or not it's the honesty that's appreciated.  I think that's what all reviews should be about, good or bad, everything helps.

Cheers again guys.


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You can find my scripts here
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Niles_Crane
Posted: September 20th, 2009, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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Just wanted to say, alffy, that I am determined to read and comment on your script, as you have been kind enough to read mine, but I keep getting waylaid!

I am now giving as much indepth feedback as I can on projects, and it is taking me forever! I just posted some comments on Jackx's "Hard Case" (having PM'd him and promised I would when it went up on SS). It's 38 pages and it took me over two hours to read and review!

However, some time this week I will read "Pub Lunch" and post some thoughts - I wanted to let you know that I haven't forgotten I owe you!
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