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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Hellplasm Moderators: bert
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  Author    Hellplasm  (currently 1369 views)
Don
Posted: December 6th, 2014, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hellplasm by Rob Barkan - Horror - A college paranormal society's TV show ratings plummet after ghost-devouring demons invade their town, turning the team's fight to save their show into an epic battle when the demons turn to human prey. 83 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (9 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 20th, 2017, 11:51am
revised draft
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Rob Barkan
Posted: December 9th, 2014, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Logline Revision:

A college paranormal society's reality TV ratings plummet after ghost-devouring demons invade their town, turning the team's fight to save their show into an epic battle when the demons switch to human prey.

Thank you to everyone who read this screenplay.

Rob Barkan
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Dustin
Posted: December 21st, 2014, 4:03am Report to Moderator
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Wilhelm Steinitz

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The good news is, it's written fine. So you just need to sell people on your story and characters. Well done.

Not sure if that's what you wanted to hear. I'm just far too busy to read the entire thing. You don't have to pay me back, I already know how to write a screenplay.

Be good for some other regular members here to do a swap though. The 95 pages of this script should go by pretty swiftly.
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Rob Barkan
Posted: December 21st, 2014, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quite a compliment coming from you, Dustin.  Made my day!

Rob
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LuisAnthony
Posted: May 11th, 2017, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Ok, So Iīve read the first five pages and here are a few notes.

I really loved the opening scene with the ghost kids. I donīt know how much of that tone bleeds through the rest of the story, but it does paint a very intriguing, creative and vivid picture, so good job with that.

Something that I also would like to note is the writing style, i very much like the way you build the action lines.

I noticed the first mistake on the second page.

Code

 ADAM, 20s, founder and leader of the Carling
College Paranormal Society. Serious, passionate about his
work. 



Remember, screenwriting is all about showing, not telling, at least when it comes to the action lines. Donīt tell us in the description that heīs passionate about his job, if the character development is good enough, we will come to that conclusion. Also, there is no way the audience could see that heīs the leader of the Carling College Paranormal Society just by looking at him. I would suggest revealing that information in a visual way, maybe a close up on a badge or reveal that infomation through dialogue later on. In conclusion, donīt tell the readers what they canīt see, action lines are solely for things that are visual. I hope I made sense

Code

ADAM (O.S.)
(in Ben's headset)
You forgot to say mike check.
BEN
Mike. Check. Mike placed itself
in crawl space. Feelings hurt.
ADAM (O.S.)
(in Ben's headset)
Geek.
BEN
What did you just call me?



I like this, itīs quick, witty and gives us insight to the way the characters interact and their personalities.

I really enoyed the beginning, Iīll give you more feedback if I continue.

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TonyDionisio
Posted: May 11th, 2017, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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2.5 year old thread. Your review may be falling on deaf ears. I'd pick something newer to review and help people with.
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LuisAnthony
Posted: May 11th, 2017, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks!! I didn't even notice the date, I just saw that it was on the Unproduced page and assumed it was one of the new ones lol. Thank you.
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Don
Posted: May 12th, 2017, 6:32am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from TonyDionisio
2.5 year old thread. Your review may be falling on deaf ears. I'd pick something newer to review and help people with.


It's a revised draft. In the revision history you can see that it was recently updated.  

- Don


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Rob Barkan
Posted: May 12th, 2017, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Luis,


As Don noted, the latest draft of Hellplasm went up two weeks ago.

I appreciate your suggestions.  Thanks for taking the time to review Hellplasm.

Rob Barkan

https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/rob-barkan

Revision History (1 edits)
Rob Barkan  -  May 23rd, 2017, 12:38pm
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