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Hellplasm by Rob Barkan - Horror - A college paranormal society's TV show ratings plummet after ghost-devouring demons invade their town, turning the team's fight to save their show into an epic battle when the demons turn to human prey. 94 pages - pdf, format
A college paranormal society's reality TV ratings plummet after ghost-devouring demons invade their town, turning the team's fight to save their show into an epic battle when the demons switch to human prey.
Ok, So Iīve read the first five pages and here are a few notes.
I really loved the opening scene with the ghost kids. I donīt know how much of that tone bleeds through the rest of the story, but it does paint a very intriguing, creative and vivid picture, so good job with that.
Something that I also would like to note is the writing style, i very much like the way you build the action lines.
I noticed the first mistake on the second page.
ADAM, 20s, founder and leader of the Carling
College Paranormal Society. Serious, passionate about his
Remember, screenwriting is all about showing, not telling, at least when it comes to the action lines. Donīt tell us in the description that heīs passionate about his job, if the character development is good enough, we will come to that conclusion. Also, there is no way the audience could see that heīs the leader of the Carling College Paranormal Society just by looking at him. I would suggest revealing that information in a visual way, maybe a close up on a badge or reveal that infomation through dialogue later on. In conclusion, donīt tell the readers what they canīt see, action lines are solely for things that are visual. I hope I made sense
(in Ben's headset)
You forgot to say mike check.
Mike. Check. Mike placed itself
in crawl space. Feelings hurt.
(in Ben's headset)
What did you just call me?
I like this, itīs quick, witty and gives us insight to the way the characters interact and their personalities.
I really enoyed the beginning, Iīll give you more feedback if I continue.