This didn't connect with me. The dialogue is decent, maybe even good, but there are way too many beats and they're so disjointed I found myself skimming. The pace is horribly slow, too much time spent on small visuals for dramatic effect that becomes overly dramatic for no reason. I could only get through half of it before giving up.

Maybe it was rushed, or maybe it's just me. Judging by the other comments, I suspect the latter. I'll take another look when I'm in a different frame of mind.

Bianca mourns her dead mother; her dad mourns Bianca's suffering; Uncle Skinny mourns the dead Able; now someone will mourn the dead Tommy. This was well written, but I couldn't figure out if the story was meant to accomplish anything more.

I'd like to hear that poetry from the neighbour.

The picture of Able with the soup ladle seems like such a brief instant. Did you mean to write it as a Flash? That might work. Maybe to good effect.

I like how you show Skinny not too good with the memory. It's like he's very much in his own head which is what you'd expect, alone like that.

I guess Song is a whoops? Or were you wanting not to have Tommy's voice quite Tommy's voice, just yet.

Page 8 - Tommy walks directly past the bear.

It appears he has special powers. Maybe a sound effect might be good and a little more on this aspect.

I think I get it. Tommy is still grieving his mother. He wants to make amends still, too, to Skinny by leaving him a truck.

Does Skinny know he's going to die that night? Since he's singing that song? Is that an Indian thing? A premonition? Is that why he walks past the bear? He doesn't care. He's not worried about facing death.

It seems to work, but maybe you need more than twelve pages for this one.

That white cinnamon bun wrapped in cellophane, I've seen those cheap things, I think is a very good metaphor for White Man's world and what it amounts to.

Good you've got it washing down that creek.

And I think Tommy will be happy to see his mom again.

You wrote based on "some truths". I actually see quite a few in this one.

Good effort,

Sandra

Nice title
Uff. Logline shouldn't be that long and demanding before even giving your script a go.
Be direct and tell what it is, clearly and short.

Okay, lots of presentation problems. This script just reads so jumpy. All the capitalization and missing flow made this really hard to get through while trying to understand the picture and have an experience.

Well, positively, I can say, I liked the characters, especially in third act but story-wise…

The topics: wilderness, solitude, indigenous people; I usually like such stuff pretty much; so that I really wanted to get into this story but failed. I not once understood Bianca's task f.i.. This script felt so indirect, descriptions coming from all sides and perspectives, then mini slugs interrupted… taking us elsewhere without true conclusion. My advice: stay with the protagonist. It's her story. I feel your logline truly reflects the unbalanced story. Connect better with your audience/reader.