Q: How do you sum up the entire mess that is "Resident Evil: Apocalypse" in one sentence?

A: This is a zombie movie for pussies.

Whenever a video-game is going to be transformed into a feature length film, there is always a slew of fanboys ready to react in the most horrible manner possible (myself included).  With the first "Resident Evil" movie, fans seem to be split down the middle.  It seems to be a love-it-or-hate-it flick.  I happen to side with the latter, but that is not really important, as "Apocalypse" is a whole other, different kind of movie... a much worse one.

With the underground Umbrella facility in ruins, a team goes in to see if they can find out what went wrong.  Of course, as in any sequel of the sort, they end up releasing the very problem out into the public.  Soon, Raccoon City is devastated by a zombie apocalypse that leaves few survivors; they must find a way to escape (it seems that Umbrella, being the uber-company that they are, managed to erect a giant, steel wall around the entire city in mere hours).

The survivors are Alice (played by the ever-beautiful and ever-stupid Milla Jovavich) from the first film, Jill Valentine (played by the ever-terrible-actress Sienna Guillory) from the video-game series, and... some other zombie food as well as Carlos Olivera, also from the game series.  Things blow up until forty minutes in, when the plot actually begins to show up: the survivors are asked by an Umbrella scientist to find his young daughter, trapped within the confines of the magical parimeter.  Their reward: release from the city.

...and more things blow up and more stupid shit happens...

The first one was kind of stupid, but it had its moments.  For the sequel, the cool moments are entirely too short for the film to be any good.  In his review for the original, Ebert said that the characters in the film "ejaculated" their dialogue.  Better words could not be used to describe "Apocalypse."  It seems that the characters are either speaking only shouted words at a time or, when a full sentence is spoken, it is consistently puncuated by the cock of a gun.

And the cliches do not stop there.

The character of L.J. (played by Mike Epps) is, without a doubt, the most stereotypical African-American character to ever "grace" the screen.  Duane Jones must be turning in his grave.  Did writer Paul Anderson ever even meet a black person?  I only shutter to think that Epps could have possibly ad-libbed all of his lines.

As far as second-unit-director-cum-first-timer Alexander Witt goes, perhaps he should stop while he's ahead... or behind for that matter.  Every scene looks as if it was filmed as second-unit footage, only to be edited together into a "coherent" feature-length film.  To make things worse, the production values are horendous, giving the whole thing a made-for-Sci-Fi channel look.  And, as far as Anderson goes, well... I give him credit for being able to destroy two (techincally three) franchises in the span of one Summer.

Oh, and then Alice and the Nemesis monster fight hand-to-hand... and it is just as horrendous as it sounds.

Of course, there are some decent parts.  I guess the biggest compliment is that the zombies (and zombie dogs) look top-notch.  The make-up effects are nice and I dig the bite marks.  There's also two scenes worth mentioning: the zombie kids and, in quite possibly the best moment in the entire thing, the priest feeding his zombie sister (which, oddly enough, could have probably made a better film than what was made).

All in all, I can't really reccomend this film to anyone, including fans of the video-game series.  If they're like me, they'll only be more dissapointed by the film's shortcomings.  Honestly, this is one of the worst films of the year, certainly in the top five.

Finally, in the words of Hank Braxtan, if you're escaping a zombie apocalypse, would you really take a stroll through the cemetary?

...

Wow... that's like a metaphor for the entire flick.

Movie: * out of ****

DVD Extras: *** out of ****

I hold in my hands a copy of the 1990 "Night of the Living Dead" remake DVD- it includes a commentary and a painfully short Making-Of.  It is a far superior film to this piece of crap... which has two discs loaded with extras.  Truly, there is no justice in the world.  

On Disc 1, we get three commentaries; here's how to sum them up: the director's commentary with Alexander Witt is just boring (Witt's dry voice makes me want to slit my wrists), the actor's commentary proves once again that Jovavich is the stupidest person alive, and the writer's commentary proves that Anderson should really stop making movies.  Disc 2 has a collection of short featurettes, all of which are kind of strewn together into one big documentary as well as a handful of deleted scenes that were deleted for a reason, and outtakes that are just... outtakes.  

Certainly a case of quantity over quality.

The Movie:

This was my choice for number 3 worst movie of the year, and the only reason it wasn't higher was because, believe it or not, there were even worse movies out there. Hard to believe, I know, but it happened. I think Ebert put it best. On his show, the first movie he reviewed was titled 'Criminal.' Well, as he put it, 'Our first movie was named Criminal, this movie is criminal.'

First off, take a look at Alexander Witt's IMDb profile. He's done second unit on some of the biggest movies of the past decade. Hannibal, Black Hawk Down, xXx. The list goes on and on. So, logically, he would give us pure gold, right? Well, apparently to him 'directing' is the same as 'second unit directing.' The main problem I had with this movie is the overlapping sense of style. It's all stuff he's done before, for other better directors. He has no real sense of his own style, so the movie pulls in every direction possible.

Then, the writing. I like Paul Anderson's direction. Note, I said DIRECTION. His writing? Lord in heaven. Soldier was good. Mortal Kombat was the best video game to movie yet. Event Horizon still creeps me out. He is a good director, but his writing is, well, not that great. In this case it really (and I mean REALLY) shows.

Firstly, the plot: the single largest commercial entity on the planet, and all they bother to send to the underground facility is a dozen semi-trained scientists and half-ass grunts. Meh. What's more, does Umbrella simply seal the hive once more and bring in a larger force to deal with the new threat? Nope. The infected get out and start spreading the virus.

Secondly, the characters. Who is the main character? For the first half of the movie, it seems like Jill and her gang are the leads. Then, we get Carlos and Nicholai (and red uniform ensign stand in Yuri) wandering around. And, just for the hell of it, Alice over here, CJ over nyah, and Dr. Ashford over there. About half way through it all goes to hell. Alice, Carlos, and Nicholai join up with the others. From there on, it seems like a tug of war between them for top billing. In the end, they can be summed up like this: There's the generic black cop who dies first, the generic comic relief black pimp, the generic scantily-dressed female lead, the OTHER scantily dressed female lead, the generic Mexican guy, and the generic Russian guy with the worst accent I have ever heard.

And the dialogue? Let's put it this way: a generic action scene happens, then everything stops dead. Literally, dead. One minute Jill is blowing up some cerebrus hunters, the next everyone's standing around talking about how Angela is infected. It makes the dialogue from the original Resident Evil video game sound oscar worthy. Yeah, I said it.

Then, of course, the music. Music, to me, is one of the most important elements of a movie. It can make or break it. Well, in this case, let's put it this way: the best music is Killswitch Engage 'The End of Heartache' that plays during the credits.

Gore wise, I can say this: gore? What gore? I counted about a dozen visible swuib hits. Most were on Nemesis, which were practically bloodless, the rest were on undead torsos, which WERE bloodless. I guess they used the blood budget making the guy's head implode at the end. What the hell was going on there?

The DVD:

I have yet to listen to the commentaries, though I can give you a foreshadowing: Witt's will be boring for me, Anderson and Bolt will be entertaining enough to warrant a listen (Bolt actually had some trivial bits in the commentary for Resident Evil), and the cast commentary will be ruined by Jovovich's 'Like, you know, whatever.' attitude.

The featurettes are pretty standard, as are the deleted scenes (though somehow I think there are more deleted scenes that weren't included that may explain quite a few plotholes). The outtakes were decent enough.

MOVIE: ** out of ****
There were enough scenes, namely the high profile extraction at the beginning, that made it at least bearable to sit through)

DVD: ** out of ****
They needed two discs?

The reason they can keep making them their way is because although you may not like it there is probably a split of people who love it, those who hate it and those who are on the fence

I mean if they made films the way you wanted them always the world would be boring

Quoted from Old Time Wesley, posted December 29th, 2004, 3:17pm at here The reason they can keep making them their way is because although you may not like it there is probably a split of people who love it, those who hate it and those who are on the fence I mean if they made films the way you wanted them always the world would be boring

That's not entirely true- "House of the Dead" could very well be more action-packed than "Apocalypse" (though, take this as you will, not nearly as good), yet I still managed to sleep with my eyes open more than once throughout Uwe Boll's "masterpiece."

Me, I'm on the fence with Resident Evil. The films are for me okay but than both have this retarded ending that leads to a sequel but it leads in such a way that it's pushing away true fans who enjoy them by not ending them properly

I mean we could argue facts about why it sucks and why some people like it but you can do that with Star Wars and be at the same point you were at years before you started

You can never change someones mind if they like something unless again if that person has no individual personality and thought. Me personally, I feel that many films I love so much could be done better but instead of moan and complain I accept what they gave as the best they could do at that time

Why did you purchase this dvd and so many others if you hate them so much? I mean it seems as if all you buy them for is to put them down for us your audience. Write a screenplay about it, at least that way you entertain a few people

Hate them both, nuff said... Blood the Fuggin' end!!!!!!

Also, Mortal Kombat 2 was a pile of jack rabbit shit, by the way.  I've never seen the 1st one, but the 2nd one was a complete and total jerk off stain on the sheet of all hollywood movies.

I hate the direction they took the R.E. films, I do.  I mean, here is probably the most well thought out story in a videogame, ever, besides that... um... Jak game for Ps2, I hear George Lucass is huge on the license for that movie as we speak...

Anyways, R.E. had story and content, what happened here?  I mean, wTF is this stuff?  I hate how that ugly ass girl, the horse looking one... is center of this universe and she can kick Nemesis, no she can;t!  He's a giant beast of a mutant, you can't beat him up... It's lame and just... damn stupid!  

I have to say I like R.E. Freaks movies better... a lot better, he should be making these films.

C.K.

Good thoughts and G'nite

I'd disagree with the scripts you speak off but I thought you said "Nuff said" but than you kept going, maybe and don't take this the wrong way but just maybe you should never say nuff said unless you mean it

I don't really know, you'll never find people who all agree on the same films.

LOL, True Wes, very true, LOL  

I guess Nuff said, means Nuff Said and not... Some more said...

Maybe I should alter it to the end..?

Anyways and how, to each and all they're own... I suppose.  I'd like to see one of R.E. FREAKS movies made over the last two Resident Evil flicks, yeah, but the next guy might not... Very true.

With that~  NUFF SAID!

C.K. << This doesn't count

Good thoughts~  << This doesn't count

I probably will start to avoid these threads because nothing good comes from them, it's all bias feelings coming from other writers

I think as a writer yourself you should have a certain respect since you are not shielded from a script bashing yourself and you know how it would feel so imagine how they would. I mean nobody on this web site is the greatest writer alive so where is the good in bashing somebody elses work when you want to be in their shoes one day

Jason Lee as Banky Edwards said it best in "Jay and Silent Bob Stike Back":

"The internet was invented for anonymous bashing."

Truer words have never been spoken.  And, as for purchasing bad movies, it's just my way- for my collection.  I own heaps upon heaps of DVD's, and I would say that about a quarter of my collection is bad movies (I.e.: shit like the aforementioned "House of the Dead," "Street Fighter," "Jaws III," "Jaws IV," etc.).  

That's just the way I am... sad and lonely and loaded with DVD's.

And Kevin Smith said it best on the commentary track from Chasing Amy "F*ck DVD"

But it's not anonymous because everybody knows you, well the you you portray on this website and your work so if you honestly think about it those kids he spoke of were just that and or just nerdy geeks that do that for kicks

When someone like Balt (For example) says bad things about films it reflects badly upon his work, he unfortunately will suffer from a lot of people avoiding his work in the future and well it only hurts him

You can see it in exactly how many people seemed interested by his scripts, sure they praise them and all but I doubt half take the time to read them. basically the same 4 people read his shorts after he asked

Maybe he had a few in pm's or e mails but still...

I don't always agree with your reviews syco but I enjoy them

Quoted from Old Time Wesley, posted December 30th, 2004, 4:59pm at here I don't always agree with your reviews syco but I enjoy them

And that's exactly the way it should be.

This isn't my only outlet for readers, believe me... HWS and DD and SoulSeek "which don't blast for the content, I don't DL "

I've got several several people who read my work... This site, is very different in it that not many seem to read outside of the genere they are in.  It's a great site, good people and great topics, love the topics... however, it's not my main outlet for my work as a whole.  I respect this site and love the ammount of people who do read my work and many do E-mail me and P.M. with some great feedback -- Some good, some bad, but most just split... I'm not the best, nore claim to be... I've got taste and they are my own, I've got views and they are my own... I can't help but disagree to agree to disagree again, ya know?

I think me and you've crossed paths before on movies though, so it's not a problem... I'm not a fan of the R.E. movies, not that I wouldn't mind being able to make one or slap jawing the ones who made it, cause I never once said anything in retrospect about the makers of the film... I just think that R.E. Freaks Resident evil movies would be more right on with what I'd like to see... not anyone else.

That's all, really.  As for my work here, it's very very few.. what 6 or 7 out of 40 something pieces, no... this site is like releasing a Spanish album in Japan, might go over like a led balloon, it might not... who's to say?  

It's not to say I don't really enjoy this site, cause I do.  It's just... I don't agree with some folks and they, in return, don't agree with me.

Good thoughts~

C.K.

Which in the end takes away readers from your screenplays, I think your screenplays are amung the best around. There second only to The Volunteer which is the best screenplay you'll never read but still the best in my opinion nonetheless

I'm still waiting for new scripts from you, I've read some scripts that haven't been released by writers and some that are but still in the back of my mind I am thinking if only Balt had written this. Than I wake up and it's not

I'm not sure where that was going but anyways keep up the good work at hating and writing Balt and keep up the good entertaining reviews syco, you should do a series where you review scripts in funny original ways

I mean that way you can review them, bash them, have fun and everyone would love you for it accept the people who wrote the films but hey at least you use there film