I thought the story had a lot of potential but the script didn't really make the best of it.  As others have said, the spelling errors and such were very distracting.  The tree house scene takes up way too much space.  The back and forth about the comic book and kicking Pete out of the club was too excessive.  It would have been better to just start off with the accusation of the mayor being a vamp, maybe have some flashbacks of the mayor doing some suspicious, vampire-like things and then jump straight to the festival.

I didn't notice the Ghostbuster names until it was mentioned previously, but I did get the Lost Boys feel while I was reading.  I wonder if either was intentional.

Not going to be able to finish this one.  At least 30 mistakes, if not more in the first 3 pages, which also don't go anywhere, and have nothing to do with the theme and genre.

The writing itself is also very poor.  An extra blank page after the title, and a total length of what, 8 pages?  Not going to cut it, I'm afraid.

Sorry, but this is pretty bad.  I'm seriously wondering how and why this has the most views and posts so far.

SPOILERS


I enjoyed it but felt like the story was rushed right when it started to get interesting. You could perhaps cut out the treehouse scene and the ripping the comic book. It also felt like there's a couple pages missing at the end. The kid squirts with a water gun, the mayor stands up and reveals his wound and that's it.

Cute story. I think it was done in the spirit of the challenge.  It suffered a bit from the typos mentioned above but I'm sure that can be fixed with a few read throughs.  

What I think was missing here was that you told us about the boy crying wolf rather than showing us.  You certainly had enough pages to show us.  I think if you correct this problem and show us more of Peter's character then you will be taking a step in the right direction with this script.

Good job.

***OO

Here's my assumption; you may be a kid or younger type person just getting their feet wet.

Neatness counts. You wouldn't turn in a uni paper with all the missed punctuation, misspellings, and capitalization errors, would you? No, you'd take the time to polish it up to make it the best possible presentation, especially in this industry. You want them to care about your script as much as you do, right?

Dialogue is very on the nose (stating the obvious), without a whole lot of subtext or depth to the characters. Show, don't tell. Instead of just describing his experience with Monday's Meatloaf, why not show that? Let the characters breath a little bit, and take advantage of all twelve pages. Maybe delve more into the character of Tiny and why his suspicions carry so much weight. Show that encounter and build on it.



SPOOKY SPOILERS :0

Not a bad concept of the Super Soaker with Holy Water (hence asking if the church is open) to prove that the Mayor is, in fact, a vampire. I think for this to work, we, the audience need to see more of his potential vampiric activity, where he would just explain it away logically to foil Peter's assertions. Just going off what Tiny said isn't enough to justify Pete's extreme action in going on stage to squirt the mayor.

Every now and then, I strike a PDF that is hard to scroll on - it must only happen with certain software. The mouse doesn't work properly.
so this, and the numerous errors made this a tough read.

But i agree with BW, this is probably a first timer, a young one. Learn some formatting, clean up the spelling and i see a kernel of talent in there somewhere.

Quoted from Baltis. I've read through 6 of these OWC scripts now and realize why I like to stay away from them... They all lack quality and depth. You people look at 12 pages as if it's gotta be paper thin and have no substance it seems.

Baltis,

Check out Cumbara. That one is worth reading, twice.
And no, I did not write it.
Although, I look forward to finding out who did.

-electricsatori

Pete, Ray and Winston?  It just never got going, and ended too soon.

I've chosen to ignore the grammer and the spelling, assuming it was a time thing.

I could see where you were going with this, but to be honest, there just wasn't any substance. The characters weren't bad... A bit like the Goonies.

I can see why a number of people have mentioned the parody of characters from previous movies. I don't know if this was deliberate, or again, just a time thing.

A good try, but no more than that.

Marks out of 10 - 5...ish

That having been said; RESPECT!  I didn't make it.

alffy - Also were the character names picked randomly or was it your intention to have a 'Ray' and a 'Winston'?  The names were chosen for a reason and not randomly.

Dreamscale- The writing itself is also very poor.  An extra blank page after the title, and a total length of what, 8 pages?  Not going to cut it, I'm afraid.

Sorry, but this is pretty bad.  I'm seriously wondering how and why this has the most views and posts so far.

Not sure why it saved as such, but it did and I should have checked once more before submitting.

Blakkwolfe- Here's my assumption; you may be a kid or younger type person just getting their feet wet.

Neatness counts. You wouldn't turn in a uni paper with all the missed punctuation, misspellings, and capitalization errors, would you? No, you'd take the time to polish it up to make it the best possible presentation, especially in this industry. You want them to care about your script as much as you do, right?

Dialogue is very on the nose (stating the obvious), without a whole lot of subtext or depth to the characters. Show, don't tell. Instead of just describing his experience with Monday's Meatloaf, why not show that? Let the characters breath a little bit, and take advantage of all twelve pages. Maybe delve more into the character of Tiny and why his suspicions carry so much weight. Show that encounter and build on it.

I'm 25, but I suppose to some I could still be consider a kid. What's "Uni"? Thanks for the advice, and as for showing not just telling; well I agree, but felt limited with  having  only 12 pages.

I should have spend more time working out the story, and proofreading. Thanks to all for the read!

This one had some bright moments. The youthful tone it had rang true to the audience it's geared toward.

You did get a giggle from me with this:

>A tree house sits above in the tree.

I thought:

Yes, that's usually the way it works.  

With this dialogue here:

>Ray
Forget it I'll just tell my dad
I lost it or something and he'll
just go out and buy me a new one.

I thought it was coming through as either the
writer's own existing or pre-existing attitude,
or a clever awareness of the way some kids
don't appreciate anything and figure their
parents will just keep coughing it up again
and again.

It's a valuable line because it reveals
character.

I think you made a good effort. Keep working on the details and get into proofing mode as much as possible in the future.

Sandra