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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Romantic Comedy  ›  Everywhere
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  Author    Everywhere  (currently 768 views)
Posted: November 17th, 2016, 5:58pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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Everywhere by Thomas Louis Castiglione - Romantic, Comedy - Three girlfriends from San Francisco spend several months on Maui to help one get over her MIA fiancé, but then she starts to date a surfer. 130 pages - pdf, format  

contest: Received grades in upper 25 percent from Page Awards and Screen Craft competitions.

Writer interested in feedback on this work

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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 14th, 2017, 5:12pm
revised draft
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Posted: January 8th, 2017, 9:00am Report to Moderator

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The contest placement top 25% is a bit off-putting cause as Yoda said: There is no try.

Title and logline, on the other hand, make a very good impression.

Top margin on p1 is too wide.

You don't need MOS, because there is no important sound to notice until those gun shots go off anyway.

Other stuff in slugs is equally unnecessary: Continous, Early Morning etc.

Why complicate things and give two-liners for a simple scene heading?

This whole title song stuff reads as a production thing, at least the way you present it here. If you think you need the song, mention it, and then get along.

This whole paragraph

The dreamy, mystical, introductory sounds of the title song
create a floating through the clouds aura, with clouds
separating, the vision of the island of MAUI is below.
Tiffany's sweaty face is noticed jogging on the beach with
her two friends. MINDY MING (mostly MING)(sweetly cute and
straightlaced) and SASHA SING (attractive, flirty,sharp
witted)jogging with Tiffany in a friendly competition, Sasha
enjoying some elbow cheating. The MUSIC fades as they catch
their breath on the beach.

comes from nowhere since there wasn't any slug saying we're in Maui, and on its own, the execution is more than questionable to me.

Work on simplicity and straight storytelling. This screenwriting is so outlandishly designed that I get no connection… and get no pleasure.

This should be fun for me, but it's so laden with NOT-STORY, that I can't find some joy.

Sorry, but perhaps some clear feedback, even if negative, may help you to reconsider…

Anyway, get on and
best of luck

No End of Wolves   (9p - psychological horror)

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