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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Romantic Comedy  ›  Defeating DiCaprio
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  Author    Defeating DiCaprio  (currently 229 views)
Don
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Defeating DiCaprio by Major Wu - Romantic Comedy - A couple's relationship is put to the ultimate test when Leonardo DiCaprio moves into the house next door. 84 pages - pdf format

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Warren
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I havenít really read the script, but I feel like you are setting yourself up for failure if this is anything other than a writing exercise.

Do you plan on having Leo in this or someone that looks like him, which would be odd because he is still very much in the acting game.

Lots of issues straight away though.


Quoted Text
INT. SCOTIABANK THEATER- VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIAEVENING
With a Girl Like You by The Troggs is playing in the
background as we see an establishing shot of a jam-packed
building full of people. A 5í3 lady in her early-thirties
with striking big green eyes and luscious, long blonde hair
is holding up the box office line and being thereís only one
till open, everyone behind her is so irritated/annoyed that
they start yelling at her to hurry up. Having had enough, a
5í8 Pakistani man with dark brown eyes in his early-forties
cuts out of line and walks up to the lady in order to
de-escalate the situation.


Your first slug would be better written as:

INT. SCOTIABANK THEATER- EVENING  (although I prefer either DAY or NIGHT)

Then set the scene and lay a super over it, Like this:

SUPER - VANCOUVER, BRITISH COLUMBIA

Itís no good listing a song unless you know itís going to be used and you have the rights to use it.

Steer away from "we see" and "we hear". Also donít tell us we see an establishing shot, just tell us what we see (without using we see).

You need to capitalise characters when they are first introduced. So PEOPLE, LADY, and PAKISTANI MAN all need to be capitalised.

For some reason you have given their heights, is this really important? No one is going to cast specifically on height.

Itís also all very passively written and written more like a novel that a screenplay.

Most of what I've said is writing 101. I highly recommend you read some articles on screenwriting and read a lot more scripts then give this another rewrite.

All the best.


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Warren  -  May 7th, 2018, 8:37pm
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