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I'm currently working a draft summary/treatment of a script I'm working called "Butterflies and Bones".
I'd like to submit a logline here for your critique based upon a few tidbits of information.
The following is a little bit of mood for the work to come, but nowhere here is it shown the plot I have where Anna Diana grows out of her innocent childhood and takes on boyish qualities where she wants to play street hockey with the boys.
Anna is befriended by a junior hockey player rumored to be up and coming NHL material. What results is a girl with quickly growing hockey skills, but even though she's athletic, she has a fear-- the fear of the water which results in her challenging that fear, but almost dying in the process.
** Here's a bit of the mood:
The Collins Family lives in an apparently perfect little world. On a perfect little street, complete with a perfectly white picket fence, surrounding Grandma Sala's masterpiece garden.
Here is home to: Lynne and Graham, the 30s couple who are mother and father to Charlie, 10, and Anna Diana, 8. Completing the picture is Grandma Sala, Lynne's mother, a staple in the home providing much nourishment, wisdom and care.
It doesn't seem that anything could be wrong among the crafted hedge-baskets. The flowers and trees make it much like a little Eden, but Anna Diana knows a sadness existing hidden in the yard. Through a white latticework fence enclosing the crawlspace underneath the front porch is where the story begins; it was however, where the story ended for an unfortunate little animal coming here to die, many years ago.
** So that's the initial mood, but I need to work interspersing the hockey and also introduce the character, Kevin Duran, the talented 16 year old, junior hockey player.
I need to figure out how much I need to show in the logline since if I leave out the hockey, I could be killing an audience who likes sports themes.
Since I'm working hard at a "big picture" theme being taught by "the grownups", I've lost other definitive elements in the logline. I don't want it to be a long logline.
This is what I have currently:
A brother and sister growing up in 1969 discover what "the big picture" really means in a story that reveals why life is such a struggle.
** Now, I could use the word "family" and make it more all-encompassing.
I could place the weight on Anna Diana and her emotional struggles dealing with growing up-- her fear of water, the death of her grandma, the desire to play hockey etc...
I could mention the befriending of Kevin Duran.
... and on it goes.
What advice do you have on the information I've presented here so far?
Also, should I use the word "melodrama" to describe this? Or simply drama?
Some people don't like melodrama (at least not too much of it). It feels forced and it is too black-and-white. Drama is supposed to be more realistic. Just go with the Drama route.
Also, I don't believe the hockey aspect is necessary. The story, to me, seems to be about the life of Anna Diana; not just her interest in hockey. While I think Hockey could, indeed, attract a potential "sports" audience to your script, I do not believe it would work too well, simply because the main focus here isn't the hockey,
A personal recommendation--why not change her interest to something more related to her fear of water? Like swimming. Although that might be a little cliche, I believe it would tie more smoothly into the story.
Just my two cents. Anyhow, it sounds good.
As for the logline, I don't think you should necessarily mention the hockey or whatever sport you're gonna use, for the same reasons listed above--it's not the focus of the story. Or at least, that's what I gathered from reading your post.
Ahh, the good ol' logline. Somehow a logline seems harder to write than the actual script. How do you boil down a hundred-pager to 4-6 lines?
Without having read your script it's pretty much impossible to tell you what to write in the logline but what I've always found useful is to break up the logline in acts - just like the script itself. Introduce the characters/settings, explain the crisis and take us right up to the point of no return. And remember to leave it on a cliffhanger.
By the way...
Quoted from Sandra E.
I'm currently working a draft summary/treatment of a script I'm working called "Butterflies and Bones".
It sounds like the script is not done yet - at least that's how I understand your post - and if that's the case, why are you already working on the logline?
Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
I think we would presume that the girl has a family so you don't need to mention this in the logline. If hockey is a recurring theme throughout your script then I would include it, if for no other reason than because it represents some unique aspect about your main character.
I'm kind of hesitant to offer my own example since I don't know the ins and outs of your story too well.
To answer your other question, I think the word Melodrama has a negative connotation for alot of people. It suggests something syrupy or overly sentimental. Even if sentiment is what you're going for I'd just stick with calling it a Drama. It sounds more credible...and would probably get you more reads too.
"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
Ahh, the good ol' logline. Somehow a logline seems harder to write than the actual script. How do you boil down a hundred-pager to 4-6 lines?
It sounds like the script is not done yet - at least that's how I understand your post - and if that's the case, why are you already working on the logline?
In working with potential loglines, it helps me to identify the stresses I want to place within the script. It just is something that I do.
Sniper, you are very correct. I'm not done and am writing different versions in progression, knocking it down, building it back up, knocking it down again, lather, rinse, repeat...
The hockey aspect is loosely built upon reality, but it certainly doesn't need to figure in the script. I could magically wipe it out completely of course. This I have to think about but it could be that I want to play with both water and its frozen counterpart.
J Gomez, thank you for your input on the swimming aspect. I do have that and I'm working with it along with the Hockey.
Mgj, thank you for your input on melodrama sounding negative and being too sentimental. I'm one of those sentimentalists and so it's very prominent in this. Like I said, this one is based upon reality and a true story; so unfortunately, I can't lose that aspect, but if "drama" sounds better then that is what I will go with.
I'm currently working a draft summary/treatment of a script I'm working called "Butterflies and Bones".
I'd like to submit a logline here for your critique based upon a few tidbits of information.
The following is a little bit of mood for the work to come, but nowhere here is it shown the plot I have where Anna Diana grows out of her innocent childhood and takes on boyish qualities where she wants to play street hockey with the boys.
Anna is befriended by a junior hockey player rumored to be up and coming NHL material. What results is a girl with quickly growing hockey skills, but even though she's athletic, she has a fear-- the fear of the water which results in her challenging that fear, but almost dying in the process.
** Here's a bit of the mood:
The Collins Family lives in an apparently perfect little world. On a perfect little street, complete with a perfectly white picket fence, surrounding Grandma Sala's masterpiece garden.
Here is home to: Lynne and Graham, the 30s couple who are mother and father to Charlie, 10, and Anna Diana, 8. Completing the picture is Grandma Sala, Lynne's mother, a staple in the home providing much nourishment, wisdom and care.
It doesn't seem that anything could be wrong among the crafted hedge-baskets. The flowers and trees make it much like a little Eden, but Anna Diana knows a sadness existing hidden in the yard. Through a white latticework fence enclosing the crawlspace underneath the front porch is where the story begins; it was however, where the story ended for an unfortunate little animal coming here to die, many years ago.
** So that's the initial mood, but I need to work interspersing the hockey and also introduce the character, Kevin Duran, the talented 16 year old, junior hockey player.
I need to figure out how much I need to show in the logline since if I leave out the hockey, I could be killing an audience who likes sports themes.
Since I'm working hard at a "big picture" theme being taught by "the grownups", I've lost other definitive elements in the logline. I don't want it to be a long logline.
This is what I have currently:
A brother and sister growing up in 1969 discover what "the big picture" really means in a story that reveals why life is such a struggle.
** Now, I could use the word "family" and make it more all-encompassing.
I could place the weight on Anna Diana and her emotional struggles dealing with growing up-- her fear of water, the death of her grandma, the desire to play hockey etc...
I could mention the befriending of Kevin Duran.
... and on it goes.
What advice do you have on the information I've presented here so far?
Also, should I use the word "melodrama" to describe this? Or simply drama?
Sandra
I think the first question you need to ask yourself is, what is the spine of your story? You have a large idea composed of two stories. It is possible to tell a multilayered story like this, but the format works better as a novel than a screenplay.
Your idea kind of reminds me of Anne of Green Gables the series. But in Anne of Green Gables, the premise of the story was Anne trying to gain acceptance. No matter where she went or what she did, the premise of the spine was Anne's struggle for acceptance in a traditionlist world.
I think you must narrow down your vision so that one clear premise stands out.
Lord of the Rings is another good example. If you read the book and watch the movies you can see the difference in which the narator tells the story. The premise is the same, but the vision is much more refined in the movie. Yet even in the book the object of importance is always the disctruction of the ring.
Your script should be that simple, even if you choose to add subplots gallore.
Honestly Sandra, I have no idea what your story is about: is it a mystery under the porch, is it a teen sports movie. Your logline now just seems so vague and repetitive that it helps you very little...
"A brother and sister growing up in 1969 discover what "the big picture" really means..." while you've established the two leads, the rest alludes to nothing that would catch our interest.
"...in a story that reveals why life is such a struggle." Again, we know there is a struggle. This is a drama. What is the central challenge? You need to be more specific.
Ex: "An althetic underdog through much adversity achieves his dream."
Doesn't say much. But what about...
"A down-and-out fighter gets one shot at the World Champion" or "a five-foot-nothing dreamer struggles to make the Notre Dame team." Rocky and Rudy. See how much more interesting it is when you clarify the central idea. Even for a coming of age pic. "A 1960's preteen blossoms into adulthood during an eventful summer" My Girl. Now these are just stabs at the movie's actual lines but I think you get the picture.
The following is a little bit of mood for the work to come, but nowhere here is it shown the plot I have where Anna Diana grows out of her innocent childhood and takes on boyish qualities where she wants to play street hockey with the boys.
Anna is befriended by a junior hockey player rumored to be up and coming NHL material. What results is a girl with quickly growing hockey skills, but even though she's athletic, she has a fear-- the fear of the water which results in her challenging that fear, but almost dying in the process.
It doesn't seem that anything could be wrong among the crafted hedge-baskets. The flowers and trees make it much like a little Eden, but Anna Diana knows a sadness existing hidden in the yard. Through a white latticework fence enclosing the crawlspace underneath the front porch is where the story begins; it was however, where the story ended for an unfortunate little animal coming here to die, many years ago.
Not sure how she develops a fear of water out of all this. Or how she overcomes her fear.
Since I'm working hard at a "big picture" theme being taught by "the grownups", I've lost other definitive elements in the logline. I don't want it to be a long logline.
Lessons to be learned should not be in your logline. Nor the "big picture" aspect to your story. Include them and you will lose any dramatic edge to the logline.
Now, I could use the word "family" and make it more all-encompassing...Also, should I use the word "melodrama" to describe this? Or simply drama?
Don't get caught up in all of this labeling. Your logline should be a hook. Focus on your main character and her goal, what she needs to overcome. Loglines are preferably one line, no more than two.
A logline for Jason and the Argonauts: A Greek hero sails to the ends of the earth in a perilous quest for the Golden Fleece.
Anna's arc is that she begins the story with fears and a goal/a need. By story's end, she should reach that goal and conquer her fears. There are exceptions to the outcome, but this is the general plot line to follow. Regardless, Anna will be changed by her journey.
Not sure how she develops a fear of water out of all this. Or how she overcomes her fear.
Why would you leave out hockey if that is a central part of the story? Know your story.
You are going too broad here. This could be elements of your story, but your logline has to stay with Anna and her struggle.
Lessons to be learned should not be in your logline. Nor the "big picture" aspect to your story. Include them and you will lose any dramatic edge to the logline.
Don't get caught up in all of this labeling. Your logline should be a hook. Focus on your main character and her goal, what she needs to overcome. Loglines are preferably one line, no more than two.
Thank you Abe!!!
Your comments are extremely constructive!!!
What you've said helps me to leave the thematic element, which speaks for itself out of the logline and work the "athletic" aspect; her dreams and fears.
Essentially, this is a growing up story with "melodrama" (ah-chem-- cough, sneeze, excuse the word.)
The swimming/ice aspect are the two athletic spheres that work in Anna's life. I have in my set up, a scene with Anna being terribly shaken by an accident at the pool. It shook her up and left her frightened of the water.
The "hockey factor" contradicts all her "water fears". Here, she's swift. Her athletic prowess is undeniable, but she's a girl and her rejection forces her to seek some way to get attention from "the boys". The way into "the boys" hearts, she figures is through the NHL hopeful, Kevin Duran, and his younger brother, Jake who choose to include her in some skill-building fun. But after the summer, Kevin's not around anymore and Jake doesn't want to "show" their friendship at school.
Anna has lost her two dear "summer friends" and her "girl friends" shun her since she's considered a tomboy misfit.
Her grandmother, before dying left her with some important words of wisdom that are the fuel compelling Anna:
"If you believe, you will most certainly find a way-- Anna, there are many ways."
Anna finds a sport "acceptable" for girls-- figure skating and she's a natural.
Very soon, she meets her very own "fairy godmother". A young retired pro that's been secretly watching her.
Grandma was right.
**Regarding:
** Vagueness is a writer's enemy and even though "I" know what "The Big Picture" is regarding the theme, the audience doesn't-- so I'm seeing that it doesn't nail it for a logline and this is exactly what I'm looking to do.
I want it to be dramatic enough, but I want to leave everything else to the story.
I will focus on Anna and work to be more definitive.
Essentially, this is a growing up story with "melodrama" (ah-chem-- cough, sneeze, excuse the word.)
The swimming/ice aspect are the two athletic spheres that work in Anna's life. I have in my set up, a scene with Anna being terribly shaken by an accident at the pool. It shook her up and left her frightened of the water.
The "hockey factor" contradicts all her "water fears". Here, she's swift. Her athletic prowess is undeniable, but she's a girl and her rejection forces her to seek some way to get attention from "the boys". The way into "the boys" hearts, she figures is through the NHL hopeful, Kevin Duran, and his younger brother, Jake who choose to include her in some skill-building fun. But after the summer, Kevin's not around anymore and Jake doesn't want to "show" their friendship at school.
Anna has lost her two dear "summer friends" and her "girl friends" shun her since she's considered a tomboy misfit.
Her grandmother, before dying left her with some important words of wisdom that are the fuel compelling Anna:
"If you believe, you will most certainly find a way-- Anna, there are many ways."
Anna finds a sport "acceptable" for girls-- figure skating and she's a natural.
Very soon, she meets her very own "fairy godmother". A young retired pro that's been secretly watching her.
Grandma was right.
**Regarding:
** Vagueness is a writer's enemy and even though "I" know what "The Big Picture" is regarding the theme, the audience doesn't-- so I'm seeing that it doesn't nail it for a logline and this is exactly what I'm looking to do.
I want it to be dramatic enough, but I want to leave everything else to the story.
I will focus on Anna and work to be more definitive.
Thank you again all!
Sandra
Sandra have you given any thought to what I said earlier?
IMO your strongest story line is hockey. A girl trying to make it as a hockey player is more interesting than figure skating because it reflects a somewhat untouched genre to date.
I like the idea of a girl suffering from hydrophobia, but I don't see the strong connection to hockey. You wrote she is doing it for attention, which is an interesting if that hobby becomes serious and she starts to do it for herself.
Yes, I've seriously considered what you've said about focusing upon what I want to be 'the spine" of the story.
Indeed, I want to work with Anna's desire to play hockey with the boys, but after things go somewhat well in the summer, her plan fails. This is the time where she considers her Grandmother's words (about desires sometimes going deeper than they seem at first). Here too, she receives first person advice from her mother telling Anna what "her" dreams were as a child-- how they never worked out, BUT...
The "But" part is "How looking back, in hindsight, things are exactly as they "should" be, considering: THE BIG PICTURE.
Why do I want to write this:
Because it's based on truth, because I want to help people to see THE BIG PICTURE, and to know: that even if one particular dream doesn't come true, most certainly, another one can.
There is a problem with girls sometimes: They can be very emotionally attached to-- well, emotionally attached to emotions. They very might well be the little princess, but at the same time, inside, they might have a strong "warrior" kind of nature if you want to call it that.
The character work with Anna, as I said is based upon reality. She struggles with delicate emotions and sympathies, such as for the long-dead animal under the crawlspace, at the same time as wanting to shake her world, fighting to be strong athletically, in the process of growing up.
Perhaps this is why she fights so hard physically: because emotionally, she's driven to tears by fallen birds and ancient bones.
Yes, I've seriously considered what you've said about focusing upon what I want to be 'the spine" of the story.
Indeed, I want to work with Anna's desire to play hockey with the boys, but after things go somewhat well in the summer, her plan fails. This is the time where she considers her Grandmother's words (about desires sometimes going deeper than they seem at first). Here too, she receives first person advice from her mother telling Anna what "her" dreams were as a child-- how they never worked out, BUT...
The "But" part is "How looking back, in hindsight, things are exactly as they "should" be, considering: THE BIG PICTURE.
Why do I want to write this:
Because it's based on truth, because I want to help people to see THE BIG PICTURE, and to know: that even if one particular dream doesn't come true, most certainly, another one can.
There is a problem with girls sometimes: They can be very emotionally attached to-- well, emotionally attached to emotions. They very might well be the little princess, but at the same time, inside, they might have a strong "warrior" kind of nature if you want to call it that.
The character work with Anna, as I said is based upon reality. She struggles with delicate emotions and sympathies, such as for the long-dead animal under the crawlspace, at the same time as wanting to shake her world, fighting to be strong athletically, in the process of growing up.
Perhaps this is why she fights so hard physically: because emotionally, she's driven to tears by fallen birds and ancient bones.
I guess life finds a way to even things out.
Sandra
If I understand you correctly the "Big picture" is Anna realizing that if one dream doesn't work there is always another one that could?
Yes, Eric, that could be considered as "part" of "The Big Picture," but bigger still is that there's no such thing as a "bad thing". Everything has it's place and is ultimately for the good.
Sandra, not everything is for the good. Real life is not like that all though we wish it to be. I think that will be your first major obstical to overcome- some how you must show us that your "big big picture" does exist. You may attempt to write the script as is, but I will warn you ahead of time that most people will find it difficult to suspend their belief if you are not convincing.
IMHO the "smaller big picture" is the real one. When one dream fails another can take it's place. Everybody can relate to this - however this doesn't necessarily mean it was for the best. Endings with an ironic twist are always the most realistic - they are the most powerful because they resonate strongly in us.
I think until you narrow down your story to the one you want to tell, you will have trouble writing a strong logline.
I'm sorry Eric, but this one is written from the perspective of my kabbalistic studies and personal experience. It's hard to intellectualize the idea that "everything is for the good". How could that be? And yet, even in nature we see it all of the time:
Forest fire. Bad? No, good. Pine trees cones don't open and release their seeds except under the heat of fire.
If you're a mouse, and a cat catches you, that's bad, but it's good for kitty.
A hail storm demolishes a bunch of the roofs and the house siding in our area. This happened not too long ago. Bad? No, really good for the companies and workers installing new roofs and siding.
Suffering from an illness that struck me down several years ago. Bad. No, even though I don't want to suffer, I see things and have had experiences that have taught me a great deal. I've been able to see a much bigger picture than I otherwise would have.
Awhile back I posted a youtube video entitled "blind painter". The gentleman who lost his sight was at first very angry, but then, he determined that he wanted to challenge himself-- that he could somehow still be "whole". Today, he paints way better than I could with both my functioning eyes.
And coming to screenwriting. Perhaps I write this script, and rewrite until the cows come home and still I fail miserably. Bad? Again, probably not. I can't see how right now, but there has to be a bigger picture-- not one biased by my feeble little point of view.
None of us wants to accept bad things-- especially the really bad things. The new X-Files dealt with this when the pedophile explained that he didn't make himself and he hated what he was-- he even castrated himself. It dealt with the good and bad of stem cell research.
So, in conclusion, real life "is" this way. One person's bad experience does not make it bad. Failing is a good thing and without failing and mistakes, there is no learning.
We live between two polarities which produce the reality we experience.
I like your discernment of "When one dream fails, another can take its place." I will work hard at keeping the theme presentable and understandable to an audience that might not always fathom bad things having any kind of good meaning.
It is yet to be decided how I will handle the logline and the script. Right now, it's like I'm trying on outfits and accessories to see what matches-- what fits. The important thing I want to keep in mind is the brevity of 120 minutes. It's not a long time.
I agree that sometimes we really do need to look at the "smaller" big picture or we can't "hold" it properly. It's just too big of a big picture.
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