Hey  fellow SimplyScripters, I'm currently looking to shop my new screenplay, The Last Days of the Desert Dogs around to agencies and production companies.

I'd like critique on how I can make this letter as effective as possible. I'm not the best with these things and it's funny that for me, the most daunting aspect of writing is indeed the query. Any help would mean alot.

Here's the revised version:


Dear ....;

I would like to submit my screenplay to you for your consideration.

THE LAST DAYS OF THE DESERT DOGS is an action thriller and modern day western accented with a dark comedic edge. After waking up in the middle of nowhere, Leon remembers nothing from his past. This becomes a problem when it turns out he's double-crossed the most dangerous man alive and he can't remember why. Soon he embarks on a perilous cross-country journey to retrace his steps and reveal the sinister truth about his past.

Please let me know if you'd like to read the script.

Thank you.

Yours truly,

Chris Ryves

I'd probably have to say to refer to them by name right off the bat.   'Dear ...;' sounds a little smug.

:-)

It's been years since I've sent one out, but if you have any publishing credits AT ALL I think it'd be a good idea to throw them in there.

I also wouldn't advise using 'darkly funny'.  I heard people hate adverbs as it is and making a word that hardly ever gets branded as an adverb anyway sounds extremely awkward.

Oh crap, extremely's an adverb, ain't it?  Man, I hate this writing shit.  Dammit!  'hardly's an adverb too!

Quoted from Chris_MacGuffin ...that is fast, thrilling, and often darkly funny.

Delete all of this over-selling.  Maybe refer to it as a "thriller", and maybe reveal the dark comic edge, but lose the way you've got it here.

Quoted from Chris_MacGuffin ...cross country...

It is cross-country, with a hyphen.

Quoted from Chris_MacGuffin I would be happy to sign a release form if you have one.

Of course you would.  Delete.

Quoted from Chris_MacGuffin I look forward to your response.

Of course you do.  Delete.

And unless you have a great treatment that is good-to-go, you are getting ahead of yourself.

Quoted from Chris_MacGuffin . Leon remembers nothing from the past two months.... discover who he is, and reveal the sinister truth about his past.

I found this a little wrong. How he didnt know who he is if he only lost his memory for the past 2 months?

Alright thanks guys, and yeah the treatment is hard cause I never write with an outline.

THE LAST DAYS OF THE DESERT DOGS is a fast paced modern western with a dark comedic edge. A young man wakes up in the middle of nowhere, his memory lost, and discovers he has double-crossed the most dangerous man alive, and must retrace his steps to learn the sinister truth of his past.

I took a stab at it Topher.

You should mention if you (or the script) have won any competitions.


Phil

What is a "modern western"?

If this takes place in the past, it should be just western. Modern, meaning made now, is implied.

It takes place today...


Phil

Yeah, it's got a western feel to it, but it's in modern times. Western implies it's in the past.

Chris,

First, who are you sending this to - producers or talent?

Producers and agents care about four things: what's your budget, is it fully or partially funded, who's attached, and what's the coverage like. You're not going to interest anyone with the storyline.

My query mentions a bit about the background of the script (its setting), what it's "like" (i.e., an East Coast "Fast Times" meets a comedic "Mean Streets" with an "American Graffiti" feel), then goes on to mention our production team, our budget, who's interested on the financing end, who's attached, who's currently reading, and then gives 4 coverage quotes. Oh yes, and I give the logline only - no synopsis. And I've reeled in a few pretty big reads with this formula.

AJR

Yeah, but most do not have any funding, no one attached, and no coverage...

Personally, I'd make it a lot less formal and try to add some flavor to it.  Agents/producers get so many of these things on a daily basis (most are deleted on sight before opening), you really need to grab them with something.  For my last script I tried to think out of the box (everything I had done before was pretty formal/standard) and it ended up getting me a read with one of the biggest agencies in LA.  I mean, don't go crazy, because it's possible to go overboard...but just give it some thought.

Oh, and your subject line is just as important as the e-mail itself.  What I did last time was sent out trial subject lines (about 5-10 e-mails per subject line) and saw which ones hit.