That's what I'm looking for.  Much more visual, less descriptive.  

Dammit, I deleted the thing...

Hey folks,

I've been working on some content as of late and need advice.  I've got dialogue and slugs down, I think, but here's where I ALWAYS fall flat on my face on the asphalt.

Guess this could be a universal "assistance" thread.

ACTION SEQUENCES

I need to know how to tackle them.  In a latest of mine, Fracture, it's HEAVY as heck on the action, we've got us explosions and car chases, gun fights and fist fights.  Now, I'm not sure if this works, but here's an excerpt from the script:


Quoted Text
The pod makes it through the hole, instantly ascends. Drones
give chase, fire their lasers.

The pod swirls through construction, avoids all scaffolds.
Drones smash into poles, some remain in pursuit.


The scene above is a climactic chase sequence near the end of the feature.  My question here, is does it translate VISUALLY?

Can you visualize what's going on clearly and precisely?  

I'm only asking this because I've been growing a tad conscious concerning my material and how it flows as of late, especially my action sequences.

Below for example, a fight scene between my Antagonist and Protagonist:


Quoted Text
INT. MONORAIL TUNNEL, QUADRANT SIX - NIGHT

Strips of light on the tunnel ceiling flicker constantly.

Hansen cautiously progresses with his gun aimed and finger
on the trigger. He pivots left, then right...steps on.

Brock kicks the gun from Hansen’s hand, lands a punch to the
jaw, knocks Hansen silly.

Hansen tackles Brock into a wall.

Brock elbows him in the back, knees him in the gut, rams him
into the wall head first, breaks free.

Brock takes aim. Hansen knocks the gun from his hand, lands
a wicked right hook.


Can you visualize everything clearly in the above segment?

Thanks,
Lee

I think with actions sequences there is a fine line between being descriptive in explaning the action and the beverity that comes from screenplay writing. For example, I would write the pod scene as follows.

"The pod squeaks through the small hole, seconds before lasers from the enemy drones pepper the wall, and banks hard vertically.

The pod swirls through construction scaffolds as the remaning drones collide and richochet off them in fiery explosions."

I tried to use more descriptive words to convey the action excitement and movement of the scene while keeping the length close to the same. I think overly written action scenes become a bore, while ones that are too sparse don't do the job.

When I had a hard time with action scenes I looked over and studied the fight between Batman and Bane in the Dark Knight Rises. The fight is viscious and brutal (I think) and I figure the Nolans know how to write.

Batman turns. Bane emerges from behind the waterfalls.

                    BATMAN
                      Bane.

                       BANE
            Let’s not stand on ceremony here,
             Mr. Wayne.

Catwoman hears the name. Less sure of what she’s done.
Batman moves at Bane - strikes powerful blows - Bane catches
his fist.

                          BANE
            Peace has cost you strength.
            Victory has defeated you.

Bane SMASHES Batman back - kicks him off the catwalk -
Batman drops, uses his cape to land. Bane climbs down on a
chain - his men watch in disciplined silence - Batman hurls
flashbangs at Bane, who doesn’t flinch.

                           BANE
            Theatricality and deception are
             powerful agents...to the
             uninitiated.

Batman lashes out at Bane - Bane counters - they separate.

                      BANE
           But we are initiated, aren’t we,
            Bruce? The League of Shadows. And
            you betrayed us...

                        BATMAN
             Us? You were excommunicated. From a
             gang of psychopaths.

                           BANE
             Now I am the League of Shadows,
            here to fulfill R¯a’s al Gh¯ul’s
             destiny...

Batman hurls himself at Bane, throwing him into the
waterfall, where he smashes his fists and gauntlets into
Bane’s mask again and again, water cascading over them.
Bane is not moving. Just taking the blows. Batman pauses.
Bane’s arms SHOOT OUT, SMASHING Batman aside - Bane RISES...

I wish I could write like that. The words describe the action. It flows. It's to the point. No fluff, but detailed enough that there is no mistake at what is happening. Its as exciting to read as it is to watch.

Yeah, one thing I can say about the Nolans is they know how to write "to-the-point" action sequences.  Mine mostly come out OTT, like they do in Fracture.

I'm hoping (praying) that my next one is easier on the eyes.  Hence the thread.  That TDKR breakdown of the first fight between Batman and Bane is EXACTLY the sort of thing I require to adapt my own writing into a more suitable visual representation.

Otherwise, you get 2-line action blocks that detail EVERY detail, haha.  I think that might be the reason why Fracture is 110 pages rather than the planned 90 - 92.

Lee, obviously everyone has their own opinions and we all need to understand that.  Opinions are what we believe to be correct for whatever reason that may be.

I agree with Cameron's quick rewrite of your example.  They are much better, IMO.  Are they great or perfect?  No, of course not, but he probbaly only spent a few minutes rewriting what you gave as an example.

I do not agree that his examples of the Batman script show great action writing.  I don't care who wrote it, IMO, it's not well done.  Many of those passages need to be broken up and they all could be written more effectively.

It is a fine line, not only in action sequences, but in all screenwriting.  Too much is not good, nor is too little.

IMO, the best writing should flow, give important details, and be visual to the point where the reader can actually see what is taking place.

Don't skip words for the sake of saving space, and in doing so, make your sentences stilted and a poor read.

Don't avoid breaking up passages where they should be to save a line.

As a Spec writer, your writing needs to be your calling card - it needs to impress and it needs to shine.  It should jump off the page and make the reader want to continue reading.

Obviously, action heavy scripts will be longer than non action scripts, just as dialogue heavy scripts will be longer than dialogue light scripts.  And, most importantly, whenever you create a new world with new inventions, it will take more space to properly set them up, so your readers will see exactly what your trying to show.  

Writing is unique to each screenwriter, and it's okay to emulate someone as long as it's YOUR voice that is coming through loud and clear.  Shane Black can get away with what he writes because that's HIS style, and Nolan obviously has a much different one.

In my mind, some of the best action sequences written out there come from Vince Gilligan in his "Breaking Bad" series, but if you looked at the Pilot episode (which is easily found online), you would scream that he's doing it all wrong, because it's very wordy and too descriptive. But it paints such a great visual and for me that is the key.  If I can picture what the writer is trying to share, then I don't care if you did it in 15 words instead of 7.  

I'll read great writing as long as there's an end game involved. I don't want rambling, incoherent tracks of useless passage. I want well-crafted, visual rich action.  Show me, show me, then get out of the way and let the characters and the story take over.

Just my two and a half cents.

Gary

Quoted from Leegion Can you visualize everything clearly in the above segment?

Yes.