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Hey all. I'm working on the second draft of a pilot for an animated TV series about college.
A few questions have come up for me as I try to tweak the dialogue to sound more organic and natural. What's the best way to write dialogue that doesn't sound like filler, i.e., that advances the plot forward while taking into account character development and motivations? How in particular can jokes be encoded into dialogue without seeming forced?
Given those questions, some feedback on this scene from my second draft would be appreciated. I've been out of screenwriting for a while and am only now getting back into the flow of things.
For background, Elliott has just woken up from his first party. He doesn't remember what happened. This is the scene where Kevin, a big supporting character, is introduced. He has a bit of an uncanny way of speaking that I hope comes through.
Quoted Text
INT. TIM’S BUILDING - LOUNGE - DAY
Sterile fluorescent lights beat down on cheap tile.
KEVIN, 19, wearing the same black-and-grey-striped hoodie he always does, sits cross-legged in front of a vending machine. He stares at it intently.
A KIT KAT is perched on the end of one of the metal spirals. It leans against the glass.
The careful OPENING and CLOSING of a door.
Elliott’s reflection shimmers in the vending machine glass.
Throughout this conversation, Kevin stays completely still.
ELLIOTT Hey Kevin -
KEVIN Please be quiet. I am listening for an earthquake to knock loose my snack.
Elliott stands by a lounge with awkward, cushioned seats strewn across tacky patterned blue-green carpets. Kevin faces away from him.
ELLIOTT How many tabs did you take?
KEVIN Shh! (beat) Actually, could you talk like a lot louder? Maybe the vibrations will trigger something.
ELLIOTT I can’t, sorry, I’ve got a really bad headache.
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Organic dialogue and character-driven humor
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