Thanks for sending me the script.  

However, this script came off as a weird cross between Friends, Coupling, and Are You Being Served?  The sibling rivalry, way too many sex jokes, and lots of customers, but there didn't seem to be any need for the latter.

I think if there was more funny interaction between the staff and the customers, this might have been a better script.  And I didn't get the final joke at the end tag.

Six characters operating a hair salon seems like two too many.  The most hair stylists I've ever seen in a salon was four, which is the number of stations that they had.  Maybe four employees and a boss who comes in once in a while would make better sense.

The rule-obsessed character can go.  She doesn't add anything to the script at all.

My suggestion is for you to play around with the characterizations more and flesh out the personalities of the clients.  Also, tone down the sexual jokes.  They got distracting really quick.  Richard

Gary and Tommy, good job trying a collabowrite. Always thought two heads are better then one. Especially in a sit com.

The bouquet (boo-kay) thing needs written better IMO. We know how to say bouquet. I dunno how you say it with a french accent. I also didn't know whether the bartender actually said bucket or bouquet?

pg. 5
CUSTOMER #1
Excuse me, are you able to continue
cutting my hair please?! - this line seems awkward to me. Maybe "Would you mind concentrating on my hair"???

Liked that they kicked him out though.

EMILY
That’s not want I meant. - typo pg. 6

Don't get that David and Tania are fighting over Ted without even seeing him yet. rather him walk in first.

If your gonna pitch to U.S., maybe write Civilize and organize with Z's.

Okay finished. Didn't get the whole bet. Was it ofr Tania to shag him? David to blow him? or just a kiss? Also, the last scene was a little out of the blue. Thought it ended better without it.

Some dialogue is wkward to me. It does seem a bit expositional at times. Tim gave some good examples.

The characters need some dimension. David and Tania are almost exactly the same. Both meat mongers. The flamboyantly gay guy has been written several times. Funny to watch them put a straight guy in an uncomfortable situation. Which you did. I would still like to see a quirk in David though. Maybe he secretly likes something butch. Like harleys or hot rods. Tania knows this and questions his gayness, offers to help him come back to the other team.

bad example, but you get what i mean. More depth. All sitcoms start out kinda flat. Go watch the first few episodes of seinfeld and friends. They just seem off. Til the writers and the actors begin to mesh. Their characters become more obvious to the audience overtime. Then it clicks.

My advice, keep writing these episodes. You'll get to learn your characters better. Have more fun with them.

As far as a pilot, there were a few chuckles for me, but nothing laugh out loud. The story itself with the bet could be tighter too. I think Tim's review is alot more help then mine. Either way your pilot has to have a few drop dead funny moments to get full on attention IMO. I did enjoy this. The entire scenario is unique and i think you guys could make it work.

Good luck, hope this helps some.

James

Hey guys,

Looks like you've got a lot of good feedback for this one already. My comments will be pretty short. I love my iPad, but it's not the greatest to type on.

I really liked the idea here even if it's been done before. I think the setting would lend itself to many hilarious situations and salons usually have a lot of interesting characters that work there as well. You shouldn't have a problem running out of funny situations at all. Ultimately however, it's all about the story and the characters and how they interact. My biggest beef with this story is that it was too over the top with the sex stuff. You can have an over the top show like that, but then you would have to change some other things in order to keep it believable. For example, when Emily says they are a professional place...not really. The people that work there wouldn't make people want to come back. The way they act and talk would drive customers away. At least IMHO. Tone down the frank sex talk. At least in front of customers.

Someone said there were too many people working there. The place I go to have 12 stations...

I still have a hard time getting used to the formatting, but I'll take your word for it being correct. It made for a super easy read though.

Bouquet? Haha have you ever seen Keeping Up Appearances?

On page18, Ted asks David if he's gay. I didn't believe it took him that long to figure that out.

I think a wash is always included. I mean they don't cut dry hair and why wet it and not wash it?

I couldn't figure out either where this was supposed to take place. Some words made it Australia, others UK and US.

Anyway, it was a super fast easy read with some good lines in it.

Stevie...

Thanks for the read and the comments! I wasn't thinking of Have You Been Served when we were wriitng this, na. But yeah, it does seem similar.

One off movie script... hmm... interesting. Will put my thinking cap on.

We tried to make the characters different... but I think got bogged down by trying to make them funny. Will work on it. Thanks again.

Tim...

Thanks for the reply, helpful stuff.

Richard...

When I was thinking about this concept, I thought about having some of the clients the main characters... but it could get too crowded and messy. So, at least the pilot should introduce the main characters, and only have small parts for the clients. Then later, maybe have more of the clients.

As most people have said, too much sex, hmmm. That's what the people (not you obviously) like! Anyways, we do need to tone it down slightly, yeah.

Thanks again Richard.

There can never be too much sex.

You guys already know my comments on this, I'm not certain if all of them apply to this particular draft but you said it was pretty close to the one I read s I figure I'll post my comments here for posterity.

If there is anything that is changed based on my comments let me know and I'll go check it out.

I thought you both did a good job at writing a sit com.  From the read, it really felt like one.   I thought you kept the characters pretty much in sync during the script, no one strayed too far from their role and that's a good thing.   I also think the concept is a good one.

However...

I question the choice to locate it in Australia (which is where I'm assuming it is).  That is not going to increase it's marketability.  

The gay stuff...I can understand why you have it there and for the most part you guys handled it pretty well but it was a bit non-modern in spots - especially using terms like 'a gay' and pansy.   Plus any guy or girl working in the hair cutting industry today is going to be totally ok about the gay stuff and will probably understand it very well.  Much the same way any model would.  Ted, I think that was his name, wouldn't find it surprising because he'll have gone to school with many gay guys - hell, even if he wasn't gay he'd probably flirt with David.

I think some of the characters weren't strong enough.  There's a lot of characters in this and they really have to stick out against one another.  You did pretty good but this could be better - I found myself getting confused at times.

I don't think there was enough pay-off at the end for the bet.  I think you needed more there.  Plus there really wasn't a reason to keep watching. You need to hook me with this episode and you didn't.

That's the major points - let me know if there's anything specific you want me to comment on.

Hey guys,

Just wanted to chime in with Tom's responses.

First off, thanks for the read and comments. Though not quite the glowing reviews I had hoped for, they were honest, and remarkaby insightful, which I appreciate even more.

Second, working with a partner is great! There's always some one to keep you in check or encourage you to amp it up. We exchanged drafts almost daily for just over two months. While I was sleeping in Wisconsin, Tom was writing in Tasmania. And vice versa. Good  process. Makes you want to open your email!

Third, this was Tom's idea and I am glad he asked me to help. He's a funny guy. I would never have written a pilot for a sitcom without him.

So, kudos to all who helped us with your time and critigues.

Gary

Maybe you could enter it here...

http://scripped.com/contest/spike

Hey guys, sorry for the late responses.

As Gary said, working with a partner was really cool. Gary kept me on my toes, and was great to work with. So, thanks Gary. Seriously.

James...

Thanks for the read.

Yeah, I think we will make it more American, take out some of my Australian references.

As you said, the characters aren't very in depth, and writing more on them will help them grow, you are right.

Helpful stuff, thanks James.

Pia...

iPad? Jealous... my mum always calls her iPhone "gPhone". Don't ask me why, it's hilarious every time though.

Yes, Keeping Up Appearences is hilarious

Good point about the hair wash, I will look into that.

Less sex lines? Hmm maybe, even though I think Gary and I would hate to cut some lines out.

And yes, make it more believable.

I read the stuff on that site, and although this is no where near ready to submit to a website for a competition, at least we know we have an audience! And people are looking for scripts like this one!

Thanks Pia...

MC....

"DJ MC" could be your DJ name if you ever took up the "decks".

Yes, very similar draft, only a few names changed. Thanks for posting your comments here.