I made it to about page 6 and then started skimming.
It's not that what you wrote was bad, but it wasn't going anywhere new. It was all witty banter between the characters about the same problem with Tim.
There are a few things that are glaring issues.
- Your title page is the default Final Draft title page. You need to click on the little page icon and edit your title page to read correctly. This is the first thing readers see when they open your script, and it's not a good sign. A lot of people will check out right then.
- You don't have FADE IN:. It's best to have that. Not necessary if the story is amazing, but it's another one of those signs that the reader is in for a bad trip.
- You start the script with the kiss of death: An alarm going off. The only way this could be worse is if you started it with "Once upon a time, an alarm went off"
- You don't need the (CONT'D) after the characters names. You can turn that feature off.
- Only use wrylies when absolutely necessary. You're taking stuff away from the actors who like to read things their own way. If you write it correctly, the'll know how it needs to be read.
- Your FLASHBACK is confusing. I'm not sure when it ends. You have FLASHBACK twice but no indication that the flashback ended.
I see that this is a series and you might have something here, but it would have to be a new spin on the same old story.
There were a few moments where I laughed quietly to myself, but not enough to keep me reading until the end.
I need more story, less dialogue filler.