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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  Laughter Valley Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 9:31am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Laughter Valley - The Beast (Pilot Episode) by Dillon Hittesdorf - Series, Comedy, Sitcom - When Danny breaks a popular ride at amusement park Laughter Valley, Charlie must work to fix it. 36 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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PeteC
Posted: September 9th, 2017, 1:42am Report to Moderator
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Dillon, there's good news and bad news with this script.

Bad news is it isn't very good. The characters are not endearing and the jokes aren't funny. There is no set up and punchline. It's just dialogue that hopes to be amusing. That's ok when the dialogue is genuinely clever.

I gather you're young and just starting out with your writing career. Your writing gives off a vibe of someone in their teens. The good news is you can learn. Take writing classes, read sitcom scripts (if that's the genre you want to get into), read books on comedy writing. There are some good ones out there.

You have a passion for the craft, that's plainly evident. Put some work into it and you'll get a lot better!
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