Angels on a Bullet by Jordan Mounteer - Short, Drama - A redemption company situated in the hearth of darkness.  Where the sins of humanity are brandished, those seeking divine salvation shall find it through the recollection of their worst experiences, their most vivid sins. - rtf format.

i've had comments about making this into a television series of some sort...if i can work out the plot details to make it substantially unique, and not repetitive.  just wondering if anyone has any comments regarding that...

I really liked this script.  I thought it was very unique.  I think that you can even make it into a full screenplay if you wanted to by going into maybe the cops want to find Eugene before he goes to Angels on a Bullet.  I don't know but this was pretty good.

I found it a tad weird, if you dont mind me saying. You wrote their ages as 17 (both of them), that throws the movie into the absurd. I just cant picture two 17 year olds having such a discussion, or problems for that matter.

I think you should work this out better, throw more stuff in, like how it happened (show us) or lengthen the story. If this is just it, it's a good write, but nothing special.

You got some really good ideas there, which I think would be more appropriate in a more lenghty movie.

ah yes, i thought i changed that.  see i wanted to do this with some friends when it was a little more revised, hence the ages.  whoops!

and yeah, thanks for bringing that up hypnos..about showing what happened.  i could put in some flashbacks that tell his story over a voice-over.  again, i apologize for that inconvenience, as well as the size of the script.

i was trying to make it accessible and manageable for someone who maybe wanted to film a short unique script (including myself).

I can understand that you tried to keep it low budget. But the visuals should play a huge part too. What you got hear, could just aswell be a radio show with all the dialogue.

When Eugene starts talking, go back in time. Show us what happened. I think that's the best approach here. I dont think a voice over would change that much. Dont go voice over, rather just visualise it and go into the scene.

Perhaps make a small budget script and a lengthy big budget script. One to make yourself and one to sell.

You could have Eugene going to the Angels on a Bullet house, he reads the card and such. Tries to get the blood of his shirt with some of his saliva. That makes the reader question what is to come, more interested. At least, that's my idea on it.

Lot's of potential and well written, you just need to grow this thing.

excellent...thanks again.  i'll adapt some of your ideas and see where it goes

Alright, I'm glad I could be of some help.

Do you have other works at this site?

well...yes...however the only other one worth mentioning is The Zara Transfer.  a pretty long action screenplay...however if you want to read it, go for it.  i think you'll be sadly disappointed
haha

there's also Primality, but i got some bad wrap about that one too.  understandably.

if you want to hold on, i'll be bringing out PARADISE...which will subsequently be my best script yet (hopefully) and put my others to shame.



p.s. TO ALL!!  i have several short screenplays under my belt that i did for the mere satisfaction of showing how bad screenplays can be....so please, don't base my talent on those ones.  SMALLVILLE: PHOENIX, THE ZARA TRANSFER, and PRIMALITY are the only ones worth reading.  i still have to get rid of those incriminating pieces of sh**.

I pictured AoaB taking place in some sort of mortuary so they can get rid of the bodies easily.  Just a thought...

well thats the cool part....they're a redemption company and this is a surreal script, so it's sweet that they can afford to blow bloody brains across the baseboards.

just wanted to keep the alliteration....but yah, thanks for the thought.

I think u should leave this script just as it is. What makes it so good and so unique is that you DON'T show us what happened, or why he did what he did. There was no detail there, and I thought it gave this screenplay a very mysterious almost menacing feeling that really compliments all the snappy dialogue that is kinda hard to follow in some places. I didn't like the fact that Robert was seventeen, the Eugene character kinda felt like a teenager, maybe a little older, but I would have pictured Robert somewhere in his mid to late- forties.

The idea is interesting and all those references to angels and paradoxes and such I thought was really cool. This is A+ material!

ah..well thank you....thats quite the compliment.

yeah the age thing seems to throw people off a lot...i'll fix that

thnx!

no worries, m8!

On the positive side I would say it is an intriguing idea.  Lots of potential as either a full fledge movie or short film.

On the other side of things I would say take what you have, pick one of those directions(or both) or rewrite.   Even for a short film, that dialogue has to be rewritten.  I have a short attention span and I think most people that read scripts do also, the monologue that they both have are too long.

That one guy doesn’t want to talk about that thing and then just spills his guts.  I just skimmed it and then started skimming the rest of the script.  Not a good thing.  Have them going back and forth, Robert “interrogating” Eugene.  Robert doesn’t need to just come out and say everything either.

Just my two cents, but I really love the idea.

thank you.

well being a short script, i didn't wanna get carried away like my other scripts :p

but now, i think i'll take the considerations and er....modify it.

I finally got a chance to read this.  I'd remembered when you were talking about it in the "progress" section.  Reminded me of the scene with Leon and the tortoise in the beginning of "Blade Runner".  Just that whole eerie feel of two men sitting in a room, one grilling the other.  Shaman, your dialogue is tremendous.  You have quite the skill in that.  Amazing.

What took me out of this though, is that these two kids are 17 years old.  Yet Eugene is talking about his wife... that's a little hard for me to believe.  I picture men much older than what you have them as.  Especially in their mannerisms and the way they speak.  They are light years ahead of the average 17 year old.

Also, you say that Robert is the head of the organization, but if we were to view this on screen and not had the chance to read the script, how would we know that is what he is?  Will you have a sign behind him that says the name of the organization?  Or did I skip over the post where this is addresssed... (sorry I tend to want to respond sometimes before I read all the posts in a topic.)

Shaman you know you're talented.  I don't gotta tell you.  I liked it a lot.  Ending a little abrupt (I suppose with good reason), but yes I liked it very much.

take care - gotta go

-l

well thank you for that...i just realized i didn't make Robert's position clear...i'll clean that up

but yeah, the age thing is throwing everybody off....i have to apologize again for that.  supposed to be something i was gonna film, so i set it with my age group...

and the abruptness was supposed to be intended, but i think you're right:  i have to make it a little less...er....like it seems that i got bored and wanted to end it in a few sentences.

Dig it then.  Good job all around, shaman.  And brilliant, confident acceptance of criticism.  You'll do well in this biz.  I see it.

Oh yeah and... back atcha.

k you're not the only one to suggest the interrogation idea, so i decided to put it in my rewrite and now it's a little more...er....believable.  lol

I'm not going to say it's bad, but I didn't like it.
I like dialogue in scripts, but in this one it didn't really grab my attention.
I like "holy" scripts, scripts that questions the higher powers, you know what I mean, but this one.. didn't got me.
It doesn't feel.. right, even if he was for real, something like that a human being can't believe in it. Or didn't I get the story? And btw 17? Was it an error or.. :p
If this was my script I would rewrite it, make it a bit longer, add/remove stuff. But I'm a bad writer :p
The format is good and the dialogue is written well, but read above ;p

I'm gonna take a look at Paradise.

first off i really like the screenplay.  I'm actually thinking about creating the short film for my senior project.  I'm planning on adding a lot of quick flashbacks (about a second each) in time lapse, some ditionary page shots of some of the key words like redemption in the same quick style.
Im playing with the idea of having the Angels on a Bullet orginization and Robert as figments of his imagination. a way of eugene coping with what hes done and what he thinks he has to do...kill himself.
I'd really like to hear your ideas on this.
Thanks

The best thing about this script is the concept of the story.  It was very compelling.  Unfortunately, the execution left something to be desired.

Both characters were way too young for their roles.  Despite your brief description of Robert, I kept picturing Hugo Weaving (a la The Matrix) in the role.  In regards to Eugene, why have a seventeen year old who's been married long enough for his marriage to go bad.  I'm going to guess that you're seventeen years old.

Another problem I had with Robert was his dialogue.  It changed from formal and educated to seventeen year old.  I would imagine someone with his job would speak like a wiseman, no matter how old he was.  You may wanna bring the volume down a notch on the slang (there, that didn't sound very wise, did it?).

You may want to add a flashback of the murder.  You should be showing everything in a screenplay, not telling everything.  What you wrote is a radioplay.  Once the story starts, you have five pages of sheer talking.  Have Eugene light a cigarette or something.

A couple more 'show us, don't tell us' moments:  One page one, you wrote that Robertr is the head of AoaB.  On page six, you wrote that Eugene realizes that he's not ready for transcendence.  On page seven, you wrote that Eugene is obviously afraid.  Don't tell us thuis.  Show us!  Based on your script how does the camera show these things.


Phil

Wow, I actually agree with dogglebe. Good script, but show, don't tell.

Hey TPS!!  

SPOILERS AHEAD .......BELOW...


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You are an extremely gifted writer. I mean that. I think this short is fine as it is but also has the potential to be feature length, without a doubt.

I know you don't intend on keeping both characters so young, so I will move beyond that point.

Robert was the stronger of the two characters by far. I got the impression he takes pride in his job and this isn't the run of the mill spiel he gives Eugene. He genuinly enjoys his work. Having said that, I would've like to have see him at work more actually. This is where I see this as feature length.

Perhaps we could see a series of people arrive at AOAB? So throughtout the night, we are able to see the ins and outs of this organisation and how Robert copes between SHOTS and if he has other sides to his personality dependig on the type of person that comes in? As long as it can be done in way so as to not ruin the mystery of the whole place.

For example, in Leon, he was initially very mysterious, and that's what made him so captivating. But I also think that even though he was killing people, the way we got to see him in between killings, made his charcter all the more charming and appealing. I could quite happily see Robert as charismatic as he is now even if we saw another, more compassionate side to him too - or more menacing, that would work too, but that's just me.

Eugene was ok. I think he rambled a little when he described the events. I think on paper it seems as if he's talking for a lot longer than he would on screen, so I won't fault you there. However, I would also like to see random flashbacks of the killings, not the whole thing, but enough to keep me engaged.

Pacing was fine and the narrative was also good too. I really can't find too much to say on the negative, because this is so well written.

The ending was suden though. I could feel the tension mount right up until the end, which was good. I think I wanted to see Eugene tormented a bit more,lol... like perhaps he could be a bit more indecisive, draw his pain out a little longer and then BAM, put him out of his misery??  

I could never write dialogue as good as you, and I feel as though I learnt a bit from reading your short, which was good for me.

Good luck with your other works.

Andy x

HOLY FREAKING CRAP! This shot story was dark and disturbing... I LOVED IT! It was so sad and so strange. The only thing wrong I found with it was the ages and if they really were 17 they wouldnt be married and wouldnt use such bid words but other than that it was a masterpeice!!!!

Robert's dialogue is far too inconsistent, as dogglebe noted.

Past that, good on ya..as usual.

I've got the same problem as Phil. Inconsistent dialogue.
But overall it was a truly disturbing and sad story piled together... You put it together nicely, but the dialogue just seemed a little inconsistent.

You are a very good writer. You have alot of talent. Continue writing and I think we'll see even more great work from you.

I like it when some of the older stuff gets bumped back up.  Gives some of us newer guys a chance to catch up with what went on before.

For a story driven almost entirely by dialogue, this is pretty good.  Everybody has already busted you on the age thing, but gosh, that's a pretty easy fix, so I sure wouldn't sweat that one too much.

Have you read this dialogue aloud?  It might help you spot some of the parts that are not working quite right.

And I would suggest setting this unusual story someplace besides an office.  That seems so mundane for such an odd piece.  I am not sure where right off the top of my head, though.  A boat?  I don't know.  Just something to think about.

Jordan, I have read your screenplay and wish to discuss it with you in more detail. I have tried to email you personally with the email address provided by the site but Im not sure if its your updated address. Please put up a comment if you are still visiting this page.

Thanks

...wow.....

huh...

well i'm enthused that some of you found something compelling and useful in this piece, that's certainly nice to hear.  ...to clarify, this was one of the first shorts that i ever did, and wrote it in about 20 minutes because i was bored, never anticipating the response that would come out of it.  
of all my scripts, this being the only notable short one, it has definitely procured the most attention (what am i on now? six people wanting to make this into a movie?).  in that regard, i haven't touched a single script by editing it that i've put up here....which should be evident if you'd at all read any of them.

...that said, it's quite flattering to hear you priming it with admiration and advice.  and natlat, feel free to contact me at shiro_ninja@hotmail.com if you'd like to continue this conversation.  for everyone else, it should be noted that i've given up on screenplays and don't write anymore (not scripts, at least).
but regardless, thank you very much.  it is much appreciated.


and as usual, heretic, thanks for the wake up call.  i really oughta 'peruse' these boards more often, even if its only to look or read.  

-shaman