Daniel,  thanks for the read...glad you enjoyed it.

Most, if not all of the formatting issues you've brought up I don't do anymore.  This script is really old school for me, probably one of the first shorts I wrote.  My old software package was a pain in the ass when it came to adding title pages and genrating pdfs, so I usually didn't do it.  I do now.

I listen to both, but I'm probably more of an Elvis man anymore.

The torture explanation was that Lucius and Duane were burglars.

Thanks again.

Glad to hear it How old are you by the way? Just so that I don't feel small for knowing that my first shorts sucked ***** ***** compared to this.


Yeah, they were burgulars but like... Does that mean they'll get away with torture and murder?

I'll be 28 on August 11th.  I was a few months past 26 when I wrote this, and had only just gotten back into writing after writing my first script about three years earlier.

As far as them getting caught, it's one of those unknown things.  I did try to mention the logic in it at one point with Franco when he asks what he's supposed to tell the people at the hospital though.

Since it's in the portal, I figured I;d post what I have of this.  It's a scene near the end.  I'll keep everyone informed if I ever get to see the rest of it.

Very good! vey well done, I dind't like the lighting much though, it's not really what I would have expected from a mafia film.

Looks great, Mike. I really wanna see the rest of it now. I actually like the low key lighting and I think it works well for this scene. Looks like they found some solid actors, too,  and it's nice to finally hear some of that Shelton-brand dialogue come to life on screen.

Good stuff.

I know how you feel.  I'd really like to see the rest of this myself.

Yeah, the actors did a good job.  The guy playing Franco was actually the director, but he does some acting too.

I did see a clip of the first scene with Franco and Duane, and that dialogue was spoken EXACTLY as I had written it.  This one, not so much.  The general theme was there, but a lot of ad-libbing was going on.

Hey Mike,

I saw this script up in the shorts section and I thought I would take a gander since I usually love your work.  Let me tell you, you definitely did something different and it worked out brilliantly.

I thought the characterization of Franco was excellent.  I really felt for the guy.  He seemed like a good person, even though he was caught up in a horrible business that put him around a lot of dangerous people.  He really had hopes and dreams outside of getting more money and drugs, like most sellers seem to have.

-- The grilled cheese scene got me too.  I don't think it was too out there where it just halted the scene, but it did seem outlandish with him using the iron on it.  You could have just had Duane walk out of the kitchen with a sandwich he just cooked and maybe burn his mouth when he takes a bite.  It would still have that comedic element without stretching too far out there.
-- I really don't see the theory of telling the cops that Duane and Lucius were burglars.  Maybe Lucius being shot would fly but would the cops really believe that they tortured Duane because he was a burglar?

All in all, excellent read.  You never cease to amaze me.

Jonathan Terry

From what I've been able to gather this scene has been cut, but it's the first thing I received that had my name in the credits, so I figured what the heck.

New draft up.


Went through to tighten things up a little bit and hopefully make it cleaner to read.


EDIT:  Thanks Jonathan, for your previous comments.  I missed them before when I posted the link.

Hey Mike,

I don't know how I missed this one before, but I'm glad I got to read it.

What can I say? I liked the story, dialogue, characters...

There is only one thing that I would suggest as for putting in my two cents...

That is about the ending. The two guys just walking out the door, and Lenny saying how his life is going to change.
I mean it's fine as it is, but what if cops were waiting on Lenny outside cos he was arrested for weed, and they promised to go easy on him if he would turn in a big drug dealer???

Okay. I know... Just a thought.
But you can use it if you'd like.
Otherwise, I thought it was pretty darned good, paced well, and a quick read.

Cindy

Hey Cindy,

Thanks for the read, and that's definitely an interesting suggestion that I hadn't thought of.  I ended it on the note I did because Lenny and Franco were the only two halfway decent characters in the script, in my opinion, and I felt that they should have a little redemption, so to speak.

I can see how what you said would play into things changing for him though, and it would definitely work.

Thanks again for reading.

Hey Mike. Enjoyed the read, it really did breeze by nice and easy. The characters did have their own voice but at the same time it was hard to focus on who really deserved the readers attention. They were all equally repellent. Someone else posted along the same lines and your reply basically stated that you did it on purpose and that the only signal flare of Franco's supiriority(socially speaking), was his 'look to the sky'. You are the writer. You are in charge. WE are stepping into YOUR world. So I wont question your motives, but the only tingle of dissatisfaction I felt after the story stemmed from him not being set apart enough. I couldnt get excited over his partial victory, his survival. Other than that, Thanks.

'...basically you end up in the sewer...'. That was my favorite line.   MsN

Thanks MsN, for the read and your comments.

I can understand how Franco certainly isn't the easiest guy to root for, but to me it makes sense.  If I made him a REALLY good guy, then it would leave people wondering just why it is that he's even associating with this people.

If he's completely bad, he gets no sympathy at all.

As I did some additional work on this, I tried to add a few more minor details in to give a little more depth to his motivation and why he did what he did.  The earlier draft was even more ambiguous.

Anyway, I appreciate your comments.

Hi Mike; New at this, so I'll be brief. Liked it. A bit difficult to root for a drug dealin scumbag like Franco, but I did sympathize with his plight. Virgil had a lot more patience with Duane than I would have. He was no longer usefull to Virgil at this point, so I would have popped him before he became annoying.  Liked the grilled cheese bit...Nice way to show the audience that the iron was hot enough to do the dirty work...Lenny was good catalyst for the story, felt natural how he popped in and out...XXX hot sauce...Sounds like the good stuff. Petty, but why keep hot sauce in the fridge?  Reminds me of some Habenero Olives a buddy got out in Baker, CA once. Yeah, those'll kill ya, too. Like to see how Franco get his revenge on Virgil. A Terrific set-up and would like to see more!