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Just Don't Shoot Me (currently 2962 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 6:15pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16449 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Just Don't Shoot Me by Roger Smith - Short - Why is everyone always shooting at me? 4 pages - html, format |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Antemasque |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 6:38pm |
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Been Around the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens
LocationBaltimore, MD Posts558 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
Hi Roger. You sure submitted a lot of scripts on here haha. Well anyway. Its/ weird. My guess would be Topher. Haha. It was alright though. I'm sure there are better and im sure there are worse. Good try.
3/5 |
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bert |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 6:49pm |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4233 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
...and im sure there are worse. |
Um...if you say so, man... This one might find its fans, but I don't get it. |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
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thisisonlytemp |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:02pm |
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This is the writer. I'm not saying who this is. For those who read this there was a few pages missing. Thanks to Don the updated draft is up.
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greg |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:03pm |
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Old Timer Oh Hi
LocationSan Diego, California Posts1680 Posts Per Day 0.24 |
I didn't get this at all either. I liked the namecalling...but besides that I just didn't get this one. As Bert said, you'll probably get your fans, though. |
| Be excellent to each other |
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Kevan |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:03pm |
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Posts298 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
Hey, I don't know who wrote this script but for a 4 pager, its very funny..
The outragious crap the couple shout at each other is right on the money and this also leads very well to the pay off at the end..
I liked this and you should have developed it to be longer..
Oh well, good things come in small packages and your script definately was a small one..
Well done anyway for the effort..
Kev |
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James McClung |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:10pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationWashington, D.C. Posts3293 Posts Per Day 0.48 |
This was quite an odd script. I couldn't tell what was going on from the start. Someone fires a gun and then these two are kissing. The namecalling was somewhat amusing but still made it somewhat harder to understand what was going on. I don't know what else to say. Not good, not bad, just weird. |
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thisisonlytemp |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:18pm |
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The idea is that it's a couple on their honeymoon. The gunfight is elsewhere in the hotel, if that wasn't clear. |
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Reply: 7 - 24 |
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Chris_MacGuffin |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:41pm |
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Been Around Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs
LocationWherever I may be Posts998 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
This took a couple reads, but I get what temp is saying. It is rather funny, but could be funnier. Love the dialogue between the couple though.
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Mr.Z |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 7:55pm |
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Been Around
LocationBuenos Aires - Argentina Posts743 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
I found this to be quite confusing. You should develop your storyline a bit more; I feel there is a meaning to this but part of it remained stuck in your mind and couldn´t make it to the page. |
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bert |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 8:04pm |
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AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4233 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Hey, Temp -- some people recognize the pen name in your e-mail address. |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
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tomson |
Posted: April 17th, 2006, 11:23pm |
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Guest User
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I think the funniest part of all, is the fact that you had trouble submitting the script without all the pages attached. You say darkness in the beginning. That makes me think black screen, but somehow we can still see a figure that jumps on top? I agree with the woman, that corpse thing was a bit much. I was with you there in the beginning, but that comment stopped me dead in my tracks. (pun intended, a little). "BAM! The lights explode on." Do lights really make loud noise when they come on? I'm surprised at the "collection" of typos in this script. The guy shooting was never explained. I don't get who's shooting at him. I would have loved to shower you with praise. Sorry, feel free to trash mine. |
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Andy Petrou |
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 5:47am |
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Been Around
Posts697 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
Ok, this just threw me.
Just as the action was hotting up, nice sexy banter there, you cut to a random gift giving scene.... okay..... Now, I'm all for randomness, when it works, but this just kind of felt like a really awkward moment... But then, if that's what you were aiming for, then great!! LOL.
Odd, sexually fun, but too random for me. Good effort though.
A x |
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Martin |
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 6:30am |
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Been Around
LocationFrankfurt, Germany Posts607 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Odd, sexually fun, but too random for me.
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That's what all the girls say I liked how this one started out. You set the scene very well at the beginning, but there isn't much of a story here. I felt like I was missing something. A couple on their honeymoon talk trash to each other, a guy shows up with a wedding gift then gets shot up by some random people. It doesn't make a lot of sense. The writing is pretty good though. |
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KenneyP |
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 10:52am |
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LocationDeurne, Belgium Posts115 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Loved it! I fell in love with Helen (so I felt emotionally for her character and hoped that the gunman wouldn't do something to her, does that make me weird?) ^^ Funny ending. |
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The boy who could fly |
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 11:07am |
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Old Timer
LocationBritish Columbia, Canada Posts1387 Posts Per Day 0.21 |
this one made me laugh, especially the first page or so, there are some great lines there, the one with the corpse, um ewwww, but funny. I liked it. |
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Higgonaitor |
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 4:10pm |
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Been Around
Location(40.717261, -73.600087) Posts934 Posts Per Day 0.13 |
This one...hmm... I can't really say I liked it. At first I just thought I didn't really get it, but then after reading what temp posted above, I realize that I do get it, I just dont like it.
But hey, thats just me. |
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Breanne Mattson |
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 8:34pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1347 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Okay, this one started off like soft core porn. That’s the part I liked -- haha.
When the guy with the rifle first burst into the room, I thought he’d caught his wife cheating with another man - but no - turns out he was just arbitrarily thrown into the story just to meet the requirements for the challenge.
I actually liked this one until I found out that it had no real payoff. Then I was like -- Oh.
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George Willson |
Posted: April 18th, 2006, 10:51pm |
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Of The Ancients Doctor who? Yes, quite right.
LocationBroken Arrow Posts3591 Posts Per Day 0.51 |
Hm, ok. The banter is bizarre. I can see how it would be amusing. The guy walking in on all this and what's really going on does make it a bit funnier. The tie in to the exercise is a little on the thin side since it's more of a side comment than the theme. It's an ok little short.
Hey, Temp -- some people recognize the pen name in your e-mail address. |
Yeah, but you've got to have been around the block a time or two to get it. |
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dogglebe |
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 10:14am |
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I liked this one a lot. It was just a silly script. I could almost see this as a running gag in other scripts.
If anything, I would add a little more dialogue between the three. Maybe make Ned seem a little more needy for a friend. Other than that, I really enjoyed it.
Phil |
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thegardenstate89 |
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 3:05pm |
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I actually enjoyed the way you wrote this. Although I had trouble at first relating the dialogue to the gunshots in the background, you described things very nicely.
I found the exchange between the couple very humorous. But like other comments I felt there was something missing. Even for the small amount of ground you cover in this script, Ned could have been developed a little better.
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jstxanothrxstory |
Posted: April 20th, 2006, 3:20pm |
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Posts19 Posts Per Day 0.00 |
Nice script. It was really confusing, but highly amusing and entertaining. It was random and I love random stuff. |
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Takeshi |
Posted: April 21st, 2006, 4:53am |
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Dude, you must have a camera in my bedroom. Lol. But seriously, I enjoyed that, you obviously know how to write good smut....er...I mean sex scenes. The dialogue was great and the scene/story sizzled along at a nice pace. I was left wondering who Ned was shooting it out with, but that's okay. Nice work. 7/10 |
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Kevan |
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 5:39pm |
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Posts298 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
Topher you little tinker
Great ideas in this script and funny with it..
You should develop this further into a 10 pager or something..
Well done anyways..
Kevan |
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tomson |
Posted: April 24th, 2006, 10:53pm |
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Quoted from tomson I think the funniest part of all, is the fact that you had trouble submitting the script without all the pages attached.
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Topher, I'm now going to tell you the funniest thing of all about your script. The "temporary member" comments at the beginning of all this made me wonder. Bert made some comment about him recognizing the pen-name so of course I immediately checked that out. To my surprise it led to "webmaster" or admin (something like that) and I was thinking, no that can't be! I read your script and I was thinking, WTH, Don wrote this?! That's why I made the comment that the funniest thing of all was that he had trouble uploading all the pages. I sent some note to Don Admin. and his reply was, well...confusion I think. For awhile I seriously thought I might become an extinct member! Your script was not one of the better ones, but to me the fact that I thought Don wrote it makes up for that. Sorry to both of you, |
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