I revised the torture scene and re-submitted it.

Hope you enjoy.

Okay, the REVISED version is up, it's the same link.

Is it better or worse?

I thought this was great.  A quick read.  Written only in 10 minutes?  Not bad at all.  I think Daves character acts too stereotypically of the guy that's in an "Oh God I'm being tortured" situation.  I guess it's OK but maybe some dimension could be added - like psychological toying or some kind of reasoning - not just various obscenities.

I think Sam's dialogue is good but I think he should be portrayed as calmer.  Some of his random outbursts of cursing and such seem more approriate for Dave than for Sam.  But that's just me.

Overall, this was pretty good.  I was sort of expecting this to be the governement when he was wearing as suit so good twist, I suppose.
3 1/2 out of 5

to be honest it wasn't one of your best scripts.  

I dunno maybe it was the lack of actual torture?

Anyway it was okay, but I've seen you do a lot better.

Brion

I liked the revised version a lot better. Especially because of the updated timer thing.

This was a pretty awesome little torture script, and for ten minutes of writing, it could've been a lot worse.

It was a bit nasty mouth for me, but I got through it and thought it was pretty good. The ending was a bit of a...hmm...I've got mixed feelings about that. I think that there should be a "let the readers know what happened" kind of thing, but the ending in this worked pretty good. If you wanted to let the reader basically make up who won or lost, you did a pretty good job with that.

Good job!

-Chris

Thanks for reading and commenting.