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It’s nice to see that you have other people joining you and chipping in with this “Cab’s Tales series”.
I read your script and I liked it.
It was funny, but serious at the same time. The story itself was serious, but your telling of it was funny.
Being a “foreigner” myself, I know what you meant about the “speak slowly” parts. You should have added that the cabbie gets louder too. In my experience, if you don’t understand what someone is saying, they start talking louder to you as if the problem is with your hearing.
I think the way you told this, with the conversation spiraling out of control into complete misunderstanding and jumping to conclusion, is your way of reflecting on current world events.
Loved your descriptions and the way the story was told. Somehow it felt like a scene from a 50's or 60's movie
It would've been more exciting towards the end if the cab driver found out the woman and her husband were ghosts in a different way rather than him remembering a news article or the husband telling him about his dead wife.
Also, when you refer to the Indian man as " Naturally " being a cab driver, that's a bit of "stereotyping"...don't you think? I'm just saying that because most Indian men I know are in the computer business
I read your other short by the way, Stereotypes, and I like this one alot better.
Loved that mix of groaning/moaning and the Indian music, very creative and funny. Good job!
Hi, Lee Ayham, Pia and Jordan. Thanks for yours reviews.
If you want to participate on this Cab's Tales please feel free to post your history (short script) here in my tread or sapareted if you wish. It is opened to everyone here at this SS.
Hey, Ayham about to stereotype, I did not intend to ofend anyone at all. I particularly love the Indians; their culture, music, food etc. I'd dealed with them when I lived in London and I know how clever they are.
Hey guys take a look at my Xmas Tales when it will be posted!
Thanks for the invitation to participate in the cab's tale. I'll try to come up with something decent even though I doubt it, my brain has been on vacation
Regarding stereotyping, I'm sure it wasn't intended as an offensive comment on your part especially that you showed the driver as funny and cool. And man, I definitely share with you the love of Indian food and music, not their movies though, can't stand those except for " Kama Sutra " of course
In SPEAK SLOWLY PLEASE I was most pleased with your dialogue. Very real and it kept me pulled right into the story. Every story you write man seems to get better and better. I am lookng forward to your Christmas Tales.
If I could point out one area for improvement I would say right up front where you are into scene description you say IT IS... Try and shorten your descriptions (action) to nearly nothing. These should be short quips that are written almost as fragments rather than correct grammar. Make it just enough to get your visual point across.
Any, I will have a Christmas Tale in your opening series as well. The sub title is HO HO HO. Can you guess what that is about? Ha Ha!
Sorry Helio, I really just didn't dig this story. I don't really know what you were trying to do with this, but it didn't really come off as anything for me. I didn't find it funny, thrilling, etc. I found it needlessly grotesque.
I hate writing such negative reviews, but this piece just really didn't sit well with me. And it's not that I can't handle sexual content or anything...I just think it needs to be used better.
Hi Dressel, don't worry I'm not upseted with your comment, but please let me know which one are you talking about whether She screwed him up or Speak slowly, please?
I read the first two, today, and I walked away with nothing from them.
SHE SCREWED HIM UP seemed like a slightly altered urban legend that had been told at one too many camp fires. In fact, I recalled reading a story similar to thtis in (I think) Heavy Metal where a young couple pays a cabbie to drive recklessly while they have sex in the backseat. The cab crashes and the reader learns that the couple are actually ghosts who get their kicks from killing cabbies.
THE GOD FEATHER was just a directionless story to me. Naming the angel 'Clarence' was actually a distraction. And the story was badly rushed. Noralee's sudden change of heart was extremely forced and unrealistic. She's a miserable bitch for the first eight pages and then she's suddenly happy in the ninth.
Hey Zingo, just took a look at this one. And I’m very impressed. Very enjoyable read. I would describe it as a Basic Instinct-ish tale built around the “Be careful about what you wish for” saying. I’ll start mentioning which things I liked. From now on, I might include --
*SPOILERS*
The information about what was inside the briefcases was cleverly concealed, and revealed at the precise moment for maximum dramatic effect; good job on that.
Dialogue between these two was quite entertaining. I might say that the “You don’t want to make love to me, you just want to fuck me” line has been used many times, although I admit that this is exactly what this particular story needed.
I particularly liked “Good! I hate when other people smoke” Haha!
Tension between these characters built slowly and adequately; I found very easy to put myself in the driver’s shoes.
Some things that could be improved:
There’s no need to mention that the story takes place in St. Petesburg, Florida (P.1). This kind of information is usually lost on the page; the audience (who can’t read the script) would not be able to gather this by just looking at the apartment building from the opening scene.
This particular location doesn’t seem crucial to the story (any town with a bridge and a beach could do) but if you believe it is, give the information this way:
SUPER: St. Petesburg, Florida
Furthermore, if a producer from (lets say) Australia happens to be interested in shooting this, he will shoot it in Australia right away.
As I said before, I enjoyed the dialogue between these characters. Although I felt like there were too many directions for the actors during this pages. Seems like you thought every look and every gesture for them; these indications were many and disrupted (a little) the natural flow that the dialogue should have.
Some indications are worth keeping, like when Franzina’s smile is suddenly replaced by a look of seriousness, and so Raymonds. This details carry a very important dramatic weight; Franzina actually admits to have killed her husband and Raymond is starting to believe her. This kind of stuff is the writer’s territory.
But there were many other indications (i.e. Franzina looks through the window, back at him, etc) that were minor details without any relevant dramatic importance; let the actors handle those. By removing a few, your dialogue will flow much better, IMO.
Loose the CONT’D (if your screenwriter software permits you). They were used once, but now are considered old fashioned.
P.15 “You’re a deceiving horny old bastard. I hate deceiving, horny old bastards.”
This line wouldn’t look very bad in a bad script. But in this script looks awful and seems like too on the nose; a character saying exactly what she thinks. At this point the audience knows what Franzina thinks about Raymond. The subtext behind her actions and previous dialogue lines convey her thoughts properly, with subtlety. The quoted line does in a bad way what you have been doing greately, IMO.
And if the purpose of this line is just to increase tension a bit, remember she has a gun. By reloading it (or something like that) the audience will know (visually) she is about to fire.
The ending was a bit of a let down, like some kind of a twist or punchline was needed. The story leads the audience to two possible obvious endings: Franzina kills him or lets him go. Whenever the audience expects you to choose between two possible endings, surprise them and head for a third one they didn’t see coming.
I’d suggest you to brainstorm more possible outcomes for this story. Find your Door Number Three
I don't know why I read Extreme Baggage, but I did. Out of the three that I have read, this was the best.
I agree with Mister Z that the story was very Basic Instinct-ish and even a little film noir-ish. I could picture a younger Sharon Stone or a younger Kathleen Turner in the role of Franzina. I do think that the story dragged on a bit and the ending was too abrupt. I also thought that her reason for--
--SPOILER SPACE--
--killing her husband could've been explained in better detail. Saying who he was sleeping with and how she found out could've improved things.
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