I think it's a great idea.  There's so much going on in this simple tale.

By showing the narrator angry with the boyfriend, it makes him a thtreat and puts everyone in danger.


Phil

For a more creepy effect maybe you could have the dead boyfriend propped up in the closet, film running as he gets into bed and strokes her hair. She wakes screaming, then WHAM! she is his. The dead boyfriend falls out of the closet, dead.

Just a thought. My mind wandereth.

Spencer

This was OK for a middle.  But it feels like it is missing a beginning and an end.  

It has no beginning because we catch him already in the act. A few sentences of him preping.  Maybe a glimpse of a shrine of the girl. Something, even if it is only a montage of images to set it up.

It has no ending because there is no resolution. We know that he'll do this again and sometime in the future he'll get caught, but your not giving us the ending here. It leaves us unforfilled.

This is a creepy glimpse... with some slight tensions. It was well written, but it doesn't feel complete.

Dethan

I thought it worked, if that means anything.  That doesn't mean that it could be better.  The only flaw in it was that you didn't mention the girl's age, leading me (and, hopefully, others)  to think she was a child.


Phil

The script has been amended, successfully I think.

Filming finished on it today. I'll start editing it this weekend.

I would like to thank everyone for their contributions, it has definitely helped me to improve the script.

I've given it a stronger ending, though I've still shied away from anything overly dramatic. I wanted to keep the atmosphere that this could be happening to any one of us.

I've tried to bring that out in the filming. I'll try and find a way to show you all when it's completed, see what you think.

Cheers, Rick.