Thanks for the reads, guys.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley I only question Amy's dialgoue: "Just let me know somehow..." Is this in reference to Nick leaving a message or something before he dies that lets Amy know he went through the suicide?

Basically that. Like putting a note in his pocket with Amy's number on it so the paramedics can contact her when it's over. The idea's loosely based on something said in a real interview with the friend of someone who commited suicide.

Quoted from Mr.Z Amy’s reaction (or lack thereof) to Nick’s plan was the only hard pill to swallow within the story. I think she would try to stop him (by herself or by calling his parents or the authorities) I’m not saying her reaction couldn’t possibly happen, but this is indeed a tough sell for the audience. That’s the only detail I would look into.

I think enough people have commented on this for me to want to look into it. I don't want to change too much, I just want to make Amy's acceptance of Nick's plan more believable. She's basically given up on him at this point and figures he'll be in a better place when he's dead. Of course, this isn't what she wants but she knows she can't fight anymore. I don't think I communicated this well enough, if at all. Again, I'll definitely look into it.

Hi James

Nice story. Emotional. Was a bit predictable and you kept me waiting for the obvious payoff. Overall, very solid.

I do have a comment for you. Your descriptions seemed a tad overwritten. I think you could tighten that aspect and even get this down to six pages. Here is an example.

AMY (18) sits on the bed next to NICK (18). Amy's cheeks are red and puffy. Her eyes are damp. Nick's face is sunken. His sad eyes stare into oblivion.

Manic depressive NICK (18) stares into oblivion, tear streaming. AMY (18) lay her puffy swollen cheek on Nick's shoulder, sharing his pain.

Just a thought.

James,

Read through this, and while I could certainly see the dramatic element in it, I was expecting there to be a twist.  Looking through some of the previous comments, I appear to be the only one.  In fact, I had actually concocted a theory of what awas going to happen, but oh well.

I think it had something to do with the build-up that his mind was made up and nothing was going to change it.

Anyway, I did enjoy it, and I think you've accomplished putting something together that could be easily filmed.  Not sure how exciting it would be, but it would turn out okay I guess.

Nice work.

Hey James, how's it going eh?  this was a pretty sweet little script even though it is a tad bit on the dark and sad side.

I knew from the first page what this was going to be about.  I liked the interaction between Nick and Amy, I was just kinda surprised that Amy didn't do all she could to try and talk him out of what he was planning on doing, that just seemed a little odd, but maybe I  could have missed the point.

I thought the dialogue was pretty solid, and I felt that I got to know Nick even though I still don't know what it was that made him decide to do what he was going to do, but maybe not knowing was you intention, and in a way I think that works as well.

The last shot worked very well I thought, kind of a last punch, knowing it was going to happen made it even a little more sad cause in the back of your mind you think someone or something may stop it.

All in all this was a solid short, so good job.

I thought this was a well written piece, Jimmy.

Nick's acceptance of his fate rung very true. I once had a friend commit suicide while I was away and my friends said that in the two weeks leading up to his death he was the most content he had been in ages. This is something that is meant to be quite common amongst those who take their lives, because it seems that once the decision is made they feel that all their troubles will soon be over and they go from being these really stressed out, depressed people to being people who have found some relief.
So top marks for authenticity, Jim.

The only thing I'm not sure about with this is its entertainment value. After reading it I was trying to imagine how it would play as a short film and if it would have any merit and I to be honest I'm really not sure. You have a guy who says he's going to kill himself and then he does with the minimum of resistance. I always thought life wasn't meant to easy for the protagonist no matter what his goal was.

I guess if you wanted to beef up the suspense/ entertainment value you could try and make the reader wonder if Amy was going to do anything to try and stop Nick. I wondered if she would for a moment, but I reckon you could really build up the suspense if you made Amy a lot more conflicted about Nick's decision, perhaps she could call Nick's mum to tell her, but then hang up when she picked up the phone, or perhaps as Amy was lying on her bed she could suddenly be hit by the enormity of what Nick is planning to do. You could have her rushing to Nick's house to stop him as Nick slowly leaves to go to the bridge. Perhaps Amy could be running down the street screaming out to Nick as his car drives down the street and then disappears. You could then intercut between Amy and Nick's mum crying and Nick going through with the deed, as his final voice over plays over the top. Perhaps this would give the script a bit more of an emotional charge whilst still having Nick play the authentic suicide case.

I liked it. Particularly, the writing. There were some instances of dialouge that had me roll my eyes but despite those little things, I dug it. It was a very easy read. The story itself was decent. I liked the ending quite a bit. I have to admit I'm still confused about the character's motivation to do this. It feels very incomplete in that sense but strangely, it didn't bother me. I think you wrote a good short. I hope to see more from you.

Thanks for the reads, guys.

Mike and Chris...

Both of you seem like you were expecting or would have liked to have seen more conflict. I never planned for there to be any sort of twist. I was definitely set on Nick commiting suicide from the start. I feel like any intervention, especially supernatural, would make the story cheesy and lame, not to mention change the theme entirely. Not saying that's what you expected the twist to be but if there was going to be a twist, something like that would be the most likely.

Anyway, this was meant to be really true to life. The fact is there are people who commit suicide out there. This wasn't meant to be a piece about conflict. I was more concerned about the emotional impact the overall story would have. That's what drama's all about IMO. Not so much entertainment but more emotion.

In any case, I'm working the kinks out of this one, chief amongst them Amy's lack of reaction to Nick's plan. I'm pretty sure I've figured out a way to fix that without changing the more laid-back tone of the script. I think Amy running out after Nick screaming and crying would do just that. I just don't think it fits. Anyway, I'll see how the new draft goes over in that regard. I've also decided to beef up Nick's mother's role a little and make her more believable.

Still, it was my aim to make this one short and to the point and I intend to keep it that way. The next draft is definitely going to stay in the single digits as far as page-length is concerned.

James,

I totally agree that something in the supernatural sense would have been quite cheesy and taken this script right out of its element.

I think what I was expecting, was something more in the way of redemption, maybe a moment of clarity.  Not to say that he doesn't still off himself, but maybe there's just a bit more to it.

It's all semantics, really.  You've accomplished what you set out to do and that's fine by me.

I've just submitted a revised draft with all the neccesary changes. I've seen to the issues involving Amy and Nick's mother. There's a little more going on in this new version but it doesn't throw off the tone at all. I think it's a big improvement. Just figured I'd mention it in case anyone else wants to take a look at the script before the new draft is posted.

New draft is up.

Hey James,

Man, this is one sad piece. I feel totally down now - thanks a lot!  

Seriously, I thought this was a very good very good piece of writing. I think you nailed Nick very well. His mind was made up and I accepted that. The fact that you don't show what it is makes him kill himself is both a good and a bad thing. I guess it would be nice to have some kind of background or reason to justify his suicide, but on the other hand I guess that no matter what reason you would come up with there's always gonna be readers that wouldn't find the reason "good" enough for a suicide.

The scene with his mother was really sad. Sad that we knew he was going to kill himself all the while he was talking to her and sad the she didn't, because that could mean she never really paid much attention to him anyway.

I thought Amy's reaction was just right, she played along and then called the cops. I can't picture it done in any other way.

Your writing is very solid as is the format. You might wanna break up a couple of the larger paragraphs as they get a bit too bulky. The same goes with the dialogue, some of it just goes on a little too long.

Anyways, a very good read. Keep it up.

Cheers
Rob

Hey,

I thought this was solidly written, the dialog I thought was fine.

I'm not totally sure what you were doing with Amy, was she playing along only to try to stop him latter, or was she trying to respect his decision out of love but ended up deciding against it. If its the first, then that wasn't clear to me, I didn't get that at all. If its the second I think you should show more of her transition with her second guessing her decision to let him do it.

Besides that, at the end of this I felt kind of unsatisfied, like another poster pointed out there wasn't any conflict and thus there wasn't really much excitement, I wasn't particularly moved emotionally ( but it seems like most were, perhaps I just have a heart of stone), I wasn't given any real insights. Its not that I disliked this, in fact in a lot of ways its very good, its just that this didn't really do anything for me.

sheepwalker

  

From the very beginning i picked up on what was going to happen. I could feel it as though they were real.

Some things come off as cheesy, but you know, it's still all true to real emotion. I guess it all depends on the delivery of who  performs it. When writing a drama, it's difficult to seperate the 'real' feeling from the 'soap opera' feeling.

But you did it well. Congrats on a well written short.

Hey James

This was a sad story.  The dialogue was excellent, very touching, especially between Nick and his Mom.  This all played out very real and believable.

I did have a bit of a problem with Amy, why, if she loves Nick so much, does she let him leave so easily?  I understand that she calls the paramedics but I would have thought she would have begged him not to go.

Overall though I really enjoyed this, in a weird depressing way lol.  Nick situation though, why is he prepared to end it all?

Good work James.

Hello James,

The story was very alien to me. I don't understand why death was the only choice to whatever was troubling him. It was well written though, good dialogue and easy to understand descriptions..

I liked how you kept it all a mystery till the end. I kept reading because I didn't even have a hint of what was going on.

The story just lacks to me.