Quoted from ABennettWriter I do want an honest review, but not a brutally honest one.

Is there another kind?  

This was pretty tame, not horrible and not really blow my mind amazing, but it was good. I imagined a coming out story to be more though, maybe more cathartic. Who knows.

Page 5 i got a good laugh, after erin found out he was gay she asked if austin knew.. Patricks "uhh" got me laughing. then the homophobe thing got me laughing too.

The ending didn't really do anything for me. I mean why should i become attached to these charcters when you're just gonna leave me hanging on her saying "i'm always the last to know".

i think i'd play more on how fuc$ing ditzzy she is. i dont know..

On a side note: Once i told my girlfriend i was bisexual..then we both became dead silent.

Then i continued, saying "when you buy me stuff, i get sexual". She got a good laugh.

Hope this helps any.

I believe that this is the most rushed story I have ever read and I don't understand the point of it.  Erin simply didn't thnk it was a big deal.  It's a bigger deal when I tell my wife I had a slice of pizza (I'm lactose intolerent, but that's a story for another day).

You told the entire story through dialogue, which isn't enough.  Aside for the opening sequence, this script could be a radioplay.

There was no build-up to this story.  You might as well have a script of three people discussing the colors change at a traffic light.


Phil

Hey Austin,

I think your writing here is good, very good in fact, but the story isn't really there.

It started out quite promising with a situation that I think anyone might be able to relate to, but then it went slow and predictable.

Who is Erin?
Just a friend or a relative?
She must be pretty close if she's going to be told this big announcement. If she is close, then I think you wrote her not close enough. She doesn't even know where he lives? Hasn't suspected anything about either one of them previously? Not wondering why they don't date girls? I don't know, maybe that's just me.

Why not have all three of them being roommates. Maybe Erin has the hots for one of the guys. Walks in on him doing something where she could mistake it as him liking her or something like that. Embarrassing situation ensues. Or maybe Erin has a secret of her own. Maybe she knew all along or maybe she really prefers women.

Just some suggestions.

Good luck with it.

Pia

Thanks for reading, Pia. I'll be sure to consider your suggestions if I ever do a rewrite.

I think my main problem was moving three teens into three adults without changing any of the other details.

Hey ABSteel

I thought this was ok but nothing great.  I thought it was a bit obvious, two gay men come out, why now?  Who's Erin, just a friend?  Also it was a bit on the nose.  Austin says to Patrick that he's gonna tell Erin he's gay and patrick says he wishes he could be there, Austin says he cant yet when he does come out Patrick is there hiding?  Why did Austin tidy up, I thought that had something to do with it.  I guess I found the 'opening' a bit graphic, I'm not a homophobe but seeing a bare arse banging a guy is a bit much for me lol.