Austin,

I guess this one was for the ring, button and coin assignment at MP. Too bad you didn't submit it on time.

I would have given this one a "good". Having said that, I feel that I also have to tell you that that would be mostly due to the writing and formatting. Story wise, this one didn't realy grab me.

I felt like I knew early on what was going on and where it was heading. Part of that being due to the title.

Like others have said before me, I do get the sentimental/emotional part, but I still don't think it is a story.

Don't doubt your own writing though. We all doubt our abilities from time to time.

Btw, why did Chris not let you post your comments?

Pia

He said they were too harsh. I'm working on it, though. My comments this month are a lot nicer, except I'm stuck on one script and it's bringing out my bad side!

I appreciate your feedback.

I love that puppy, is it yours?

Its so adorable.

Thanks, chomico! That's our Shia. He's a 7 week old American Eskimo. I wanted to name him Iggy (as in Igloo) but Ivan wouldn't let me.

So how goes the potty training?

We actually don't have him yet. He's still got three weeks with the breeder before he gets to come home.





[Bert's Edit:  Very cute dog, Steel, but enough with the puppy chat...you, too, Chomico]

Great dialogue. Unfortunately, there's no real story surrounding it. There's conflict, but not much else.

With the right idea, I could really see one of your scripts selling fast because your dialogue is so natural. This short feels like a smaller scene from a bigger film, like Peter Parker talking to Aunt May after his graduation in the first SPIDER-MAN.

I don't think this needs more work or a rewrite because there's nothing else you can do with it.

Keep writing.

You've probably heard enough about the no story stuff already, which is true,  but I haven't seen anybody make mention of what this really is...

A pretty good writing sample.

There's a lot of instances where writers need to provide short samples of their abilities, and I think this would showcase your skills quite well.

Granted, most people would think it's a scene from a larger movie, but that's beside the point.

Think positive.  When life hands you lemons, make orange juice, and really screw with people's heads.

In regards to the cycles that a writer goes through regarding their abilities, I've never had that problem.  I always thought my work was good and that everyone else was stupid.

Either way, no matter what you think of your writing, it all changes when you start getting emails about possible production.

Thanks, Shelton. I wondered when you were going to pop in.

Nice job, Abs-

Good looking script with natural dialogue that doesn't seem forced at all...Characters are completely believable, honest and sympathetic within thier situation.

Joe

Looking at the other posts, (after writing mine) I thought there was a story here, albiet a short one- It has a beginning (Sad about his mom's picture) a middle (getting the tie on with his dad) and ending (the final graduation)...Granted, it's not Citizen Kane high drama, but it seems to me a convincing snapshop of something that happened on an important day in Jonah's life...Even though there's not alot of physical action happening, I did get a sense of the internal conflict of the characters, dealing with this day and the fact that his mom wasn't there (at least physically, anyways) to see it.

Hey Austin,

This one's way better then that 'Coming out' thing you did. It's simple, it's straight (no pun intended) forward and it doesn't promise more than it delivers.

I think there's a story here but I think it could have been structured a little better cos' it doesn't really peak. I feel that if you brought the Father more into the game, give him an emotional subplot, then that would round it up better. As it is now, the Father it pretty much...just there.

What I got from your script is that the Father obvoiusly still hurts from the death of his wife, but I think you should have brought it in earlier. It doesn't really have an impact as it is.

Anyways, just a suggestion. Good work.

Cheers
Rob

Dear AB,

Your second paragraph, immediately I see a problem.  A seventeen year old JONAH lies in bed.  Don't add that.  Just say Jonah, (17) lies in bed.  Now Phil, age you wrote fine, but is wearing a suit.  Keep it to present tense.  Wears and carries.  Not wearing and carrying.

His eyes beaming with pride?  I don't know, I just don't think you can really show that by saying that.  You could say he smiles and then HE says he's proud and his mother would be proud too and what not, but that's just me.

Apart from a few grammatical errors, your dialogue was strong and very believable.  But there's one central problem I see, lack of plot.  I definitely see a potential plot with the mothers' apparent death, and them weeping about her, you could extend a bit and add some more to do with the mother to add story, that's about all I can really say.  

Not bad, also, if this is the second draft, that's fine, if it's the first and you say you're working on the second, I apologize.  I just want to make sure I'm reviewing the second draft.

BigK, thanks for reading.

I think it's a little silly to always write in active voice. I think it comes down to what reads better, as I wrote this script to be read, not watched. And I think I did write it in active voice. Phil enters. As he enters, he carries a bag and wears a suit. Shortened, that makes "carrying and wearing".

I'm being a little defensive, because I don't like being treated like I'm a beginner. Show me one award winning script that always uses active voice. I don't think you can. And don't tell me that "produced writers blah blah blah", because I'm over that speech.

Who do you know always uses perfect grammar when they speak? I don't know anyone, and I most certainly don't speak perfectly. I think it's unrealistic for a 17-year-old to do it. If you're talking about bad grammar in my descriptions, okay. It's something I need to work on.

As with plot, everyone's said it before. I think it has one. "Dad helps son get ready for his graduation." It might not have explosives, or car chases, or nudity, but both characters do something. They both have a goal, and they achieve it. Methinks that's a plot.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my work, but spare me the David Trottier crap.

Quoted from ABennettWriter BigK, thanks for reading. I think it's a little silly to always write in active voice. I think it comes down to what reads better, as I wrote this script to be read, not watched. And I think I did write it in active voice. Phil enters. As he enters, he carries a bag and wears a suit. Shortened, that makes "carrying and wearing". I'm being a little defensive, because I don't like being treated like I'm a beginner. Show me one award winning script that always uses active voice. I don't think you can. And don't tell me that "produced writers blah blah blah", because I'm over that speech. Who do you know always uses perfect grammar when they speak? I don't know anyone, and I most certainly don't speak perfectly. I think it's unrealistic for a 17-year-old to do it. If you're talking about bad grammar in my descriptions, okay. It's something I need to work on. As with plot, everyone's said it before. I think it has one. "Dad helps son get ready for his graduation." It might not have explosives, or car chases, or nudity, but both characters do something. They both have a goal, and they achieve it. Methinks that's a plot. I appreciate you taking the time to read my work, but spare me the David Trottier crap.

I guess I do see your point, speaking and carrying, all that, man I'm just saying, it's written in present tense, if you want to keep it, that's all your call kiddo.

Grammar, yes, just descriptions man.  I NEVER said the kid uses bad grammar.  I merely said fix the grammar in your descriptions because it adds professionalism and can even save you some space, that is all.

Now plot, again, yes that could be a plot, but it's hard to see that.  And again, I mean that could just be me, I said earlier it was well written, but it was just hard for me to see it.  If I reread it again, I can probably see it too.

So if I came off as offensive, I apologize bud, I had no intention of treating you like a beginner, I never treat anyone in that matter.  I was only trying to offer notes but I suppose if my notes sounded offensive, then I screwed up and I apologize.

I'm sorry if I was a little bitchy.

To quote, "Apart from a few grammatical errors, your dialogue was strong and very believable." As that statement is written, it seems that the dialogue is the one with the grammatical errors.