Sorry, not a drama guy here, but a review is a review and I’ll give you my three cents for your coin, button and ring. Onward. “Brown Leather Pouch” was above average. It had some moments I was fine with and others that made my eyes roll, not water.
Your title hints at a direction you can take this. It’s almost mystical.
• Intimacy – Josie should be in Fiona’s room, helping her daughter prepare. When Gran arrives, Josie steps out of the room. But reminds all that they need to stay on schedule.
For Time is the antagonist. It brings conflict.
I wanted to see a stronger bond between Gran and granddaughter. But more on that as I touch on other areas of your story.
• Give Gran more character; fiercely independent, she wheels herself to Fiona’s room.
• Contrast - Old and New. Old and Young. Calm vs. Frenzied.
As Fiona gets ready for the wedding, she is moving at a frenetic pace. Gran sits in her wheelchair and is the calming effect. She watches Fiona, she looks at all the bridal paraphernalia, maybe reaches out with a wrinkled hand to touch the wedding dress.
And then Gran settles Fiona down.
Allow Fiona to protest mildly, but then agree to sit down with Gran.
Maybe there is knocking at the door, perhaps from a bride’s maid, but Fiona is respectful enough of Gran to shoo others away: “… not decent yet. Will be out soon.”
She says something/anything to buy Gran time to share her feelings.
Time must slow or come to a stop.
Now we are in a magical world. Elis, this is your stage. Charm us with the stories to come...
Perhaps Gran has never revealed what's in the purse. It's a secret that Fiona has been aware of since she was a little girl...
• Your back stories need more depth.
I like where you’re going, but don’t think you’ve arrived, yet. Especially with the ring. That story should captivate us. It should have more resonance.
-- the coin story is okay. But, what if the coin belonged to Gramp’s best friend? They entered the Army together, fought side by side. Gramp’s buddy sacrificed his life to save Gramps. Maybe he saved the whole platoon.
-- You tell us how the button popped off of the shirt, but not why. Was the shirt Borrowed? There seems to be a humorous story there.
-- And then there is the ring.
Maybe something like, Gran’s family disapproved of Gramps. Maybe his family threatened to disown him if he married Gran. Star-crossed lovers? Or maybe Gramps gave that ring to Gran before he went to war. You see where I’m going, Elis?
Finally, how will Fiona be affected by the 3 objects?
Is there any way that the three objects can change her life??
• Not sure why the story is set in 1990. Clarify. Date the film in such a way that we know it’s 1990.
And, why doesn’t Gran give these items to her daughter? Perhaps she never had a daughter. Josie might be her daughter-in-law. Just bringing this to your attention.
• Should Gran die in the end? I say Yes. It's Poignant.
This story is about legacy. One chapter closing, another opening. A dying woman’s quest to give special items to her granddaughter on her wedding day. Not sure why it comes on her wedding day, but I imagine that Gran has traveled a great distance to be here for the wedding.
I believe Gran would like for Fiona to one day pass along these heirlooms to her daughter. Or granddaughter. And maybe, Fiona is now the guardian of the secret. She will tell her children about Gran and the purse. But not reveal the secret contents.
Gran didn’t choose to die on Fiona’s wedding day. It is irrelevant to me whether the wedding goes on or is postponed. That’s a different story.
With that said, I’m not for Gran dying in such an upsetting way. I want Fiona to be engrossed in her treasures or be distracted for a moment. And in that quiet moment, Gran passes.
We don't need to see the ambulance or hear the siren. You can cut to a quiet moment later, for Fiona to grieve.
Maybe this is where Josie comes back into the story to say a few words of comfort. At this point, perhaps, we learn that Mom understands and is OK that her daughter was the one to receive the gifts.
Here is the Catch 22, Elis. If you tell weak stories, the audience will moan and say, 'that's the big secret?' So, you have the burden of charming us, enchanting us and making us Believe.
• Tone down all of the melodrama. Sentiment is fine, but no sappy crying. Gran going from giggles one moment to an immediate tear down the face the next moment, ughhh, yak, hurrrrl.
I was taught to avoid pulling the “Crying” card for as long as possible. It’s a cheap way to buy audience sympathy. As Gran tells her stories, she pauses, she sighs, her lips quiver, she averts her gaze… create emotion without the tears, at least until the end. A good writer earns those tears.
Please, please, drop the CONT’Ds after the characters name when they speak. We get it.
Gran is 94 years old. But when phrased 94-year-old woman, you need the hyphens.
Watch your dialogue. I suggest dropping certain words which can sound too much like written dialogue. Example: It’s mom. Are you decent?
You can say: It’s mom. You decent?
Actually what you wrote is OK. That wasn't a good line to pick on. Sorry, you're OK there. I only mention this point for future reference.
Tighten some of the action sequences.
Write active rather than passive. First scene: An open box displaying… better if an open box displays…
You write: She places the necklace around her neck and fastens it. Better to say “she fastens a necklace around her neck.”
You write: Fiona is excited and quickly strides over to welcome her Gran and hug her. ----- Tighten.
Maybe something like, Fiona rushes to Gran with open arms. Hugs her tight.
Then allow the dialogue to fill. “Oh my God, Gran, you made it.”
Think about how you’d film this. I would focus on writing strong visuals. I can see Gran pushing her wheelchair down a dark corridor. Maybe silhouetted against a harsh backlight.
Once in the room, have Gran’s presence set the Mood. Let us absorb the texture of the room.
I see the window now, the way the breeze tosses the curtains. I can see the shaft of sunshine from that window, stretch across the floor. Touching one of Fiona’s shoes.
I can hear Gran’s breathing, labored but steady. I can see the way she caresses that brown pouch. In weathered hands, the length of her finger nails.
Play up the visuals in your writing – without the dreaded purple prose. Utilize Nouns and strong verbs.
Tighten the way you write action. Make it smoother, seamless.
Gran dips into the pouch and removes each item. Write it so we know that it is a measured, delicate movement. She places the coin in her granddaughter’s palm. Fiona studies the coin, looks into Gran’s eyes.
Then we hear the stories… Gran weaves each new story around the visuals. We want to hear more, we can’t walk away, we’re enchanted.
For now, Fiona is a little girl listening to Gran’s bedtime stories.
Don’t overwrite. Let us linger on visuals, hook us with Gran’s words. Learn to turn a phrase. Intimacy, my child.
You have only 5 pages. Never mind the wedding, it's a frame for the real story. We are here to share in Gran’s wonderful secrets. It's a time of magic and wonderment.
Be well and keep going. I like your style.