Lol.  I don't know what's wrong.  I just can't seem to figure out how to get the link set up in my signature.  Could you give me a hint?

-

There was a question I meant to ask on 'Taken for a Ride'.  There's a line where Mike says 'It's the same stuff there that it was yesterday' to Nate.  That kind of makes it sound like Nate is a regular there.  I was just curious because I don't think it'd be too good if Nate ripped off a place he frequents often.

Lol.  I still can't believe how close we came to almost writing the same exact thing.  I'll definately be reading some of your other stuff to see what other ideas we have in common.

- Mark

The Glim Dropper

And yes, the cons pulled in these two scripts are very similar.

lol i read this and the glim dropper
i know you didn't copy but they are pretty similar haha
not a bad short, might have even liked it better then Marks - (just cause im drawn to sarcastic people)
nice read, good dialogue and a couple of good characters, well worth my time
muchlove, jayden

Hey James,

This wasn't bad.  You did a good job of working the con over a period of time, and with the added part about Mike continually being off with the register, it gave it a little more pop.

I haven't read the other comments, but I'd imagine you've gotten some feedback about the ending.  It's too abrupt.  I think you need to add in one more line of dialogue for Mike, to really show his frustration, but if not you at least need some sort of reaction, followed by a fade out and/or the end.

That's a simple fix, but other than that, I enjoyed it.

Quoted from Jayden Creighton lol i read this and the glim dropper i know you didn't copy but they are pretty similar

How do you know?

Quoted from Jayden Creighton not a bad short, might have even liked it better then Marks - (just cause im drawn to sarcastic people)

Are you sure it wasn't just because mine was better? Just kidding, Mark! I couldn't believe it when I read Glim Dropper, even some of the dialog was word for word. Jeez.

Quoted from Shelton I haven't read the other comments, but I'd imagine you've gotten some feedback about the ending.  It's too abrupt.

Hey, Mike, good to hear from you. Howard had a similar suggestion. This script was one of the ones I was contacted about filming. There were numerous suggestions given, I'll have to revisit this one. I really can't think of more dialog that would fit, but some body language should do the trick, don't you think?

James

Hey James.

Cool script, cool read. Lots of Mike's lines were very funny. His first line made me laugh out loud for about 10 seconds.
Most things have been said. Good twist, saw it coming around page 7.

One small thing I'm still thinking about. This line, "Mike feigns driving with an arm up on the seat and one hand on the wheel," I don't fully understand. Is it a cut/flashback thing with him driving? If so, what would be cool is cut to him driving fast, loving it. You think he is alone, then Mandy appears, sitting in the passanger seat, after giving Mike "pleasure". Make sense? Then they start making out, tongue's everywhere. Then cut back to the real world when Mandy slaps down the bill on the counter?

Just an idea. Might be a bit of a laugh. Anyway good script. Well done.

Hey, Tommy, thanks for reading.

Quoted from Tommyp Lots of Mike's lines were very funny. His first line made me laugh out loud for about 10 seconds.

My wife makes fun of me sometimes because I make myself laugh when I'm writing and sometimes it makes me feel like I might be the only one who thinks I'm funny. Glad to know somebody else thinks so.

Quoted from Tommyp One small thing I'm still thinking about.

At this point Mike was supposed to look like he was driving looking all cool. One arm on the invisible wheel, the other on the invisible seat. Your idea might be a little too graphic for me, maybe you should try to make it an experience Andrew has in Shards of Entropy.

Be sure to read The Glim Dropper by Mark Lyons (rc1107), which is very similar.

James

James,

I thought this was well written, but can still be improved some.

The story itself seems like I've seen many times before, but this might be the first time in a gas station. I did see the ending coming a mile away. I don't say that to be mean. I seem to be very predictable too lately with my scripts.  

I think this script is longer than it needs to be too. I would suggest cutting one or maybe even two pages out. The middle felt too long. I would suggest cutting out Arthur completely since he adds nothing to the plot.

You did well on the character Mike. He came across as a complete asshole which is what you wanted of course and works well. Gives us the satisfaction when he gets his in the end.

Mandy was fine and you kept Nate vague which helped in making it less obvious that he was part in the con.

Good job!

wow...Glim Dropper is close to this script. Quite a few similarities.

Good to have a few more comments on this script.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I think this script is longer than it needs to be too. I would suggest cutting one or maybe even two pages out. The middle felt too long. I would suggest cutting out Arthur completely since he adds nothing to the plot.

So you started to lose interest in the middle, eh? I'll take a look at it and see if I can't liven it up or shorten it. Arthur gave Mike the info that his boss could fire him if he screws up again, but I guess that could be achieved another way. My first draft had Arthur as a completely different character but it took the story to a place I didn't want to go.

Quoted from Grandma Bear You did well on the character Mike. He came across as a complete asshole which is what you wanted of course and works well. Gives us the satisfaction when he gets his in the end.

Thanks, some people have suggested that there isn't enough of a reason to be satisfied when Mike gets his. I'll have to try and make some time for another look at this. Thanks for the comments.

Quoted from rockyroad2929 wow...Glim Dropper is close to this script. Quite a few similarities.

Yeah, almost creepy, isn't it?