Hi Tyler, I listened to the iScript of this (Tanis really does sound Irish, doesn't she?), and I actually did enjoy it.

I hope you don't take it the wrong way when I say that I think there are other genres you're more suited to. That's not to say this was terrible - it wasn't, by any means - but the other couple of things I've read by you have a good-naturedness to them that I suspect is a habit of your work, and I get the feeling that you had to surpress it in order to meet the brief.

Roger never quite felt right to me - you hinted towards his background, and I know you were pushed for space, but even so I think you need to include some sort of explanation as to who and what he is, although I know that finding a place to do that without sacrificing something else is tough. I suggest that you simply cut Gus (who is, after all, pretty annoying, and I'd argue NOT necessary), have Devon find the info on lucid dreaming on a website (perhaps a Youtube, webcam video made by some crazy person), and use the space you'd suddenly have in order to flesh out Roger a little more.

That's really all I have to contribute. Well done, and I look forward to the next episode!

[P.S. Is the reason these are being put into 'Short' - when they're clearly 'Series' - because that's the only way they'll get reads?]

Hey Tyler, just finished your script.  This episode is at the opposite end of what Shelton did, but that's a good thing, it be kind of boring if all the stories had a similar feel so I  think it's good that you went at it in a totally different way.  I think this one worked for the most part, I though the dream stuff was kinda k0ol, kind of a softer version of nightmare on elm street.  I do think some of it drags a bit with Gus and Devon, I dunno why but it kinda slowed things down,  I really liked the ending as well with the dissolving.

Tanis was really good in this one as well, probably my favorite Tanis episode, she was a bit feisty at the beginning, so good job on that one Bert.

So all in all this was a pretty good episode even though it had a different feel than the others but I think that adds to the variety.

Hello Tyler,

First off, I think that you had good pacing with this. The dreams felt like they flowed well.

The dagger with the two eyes really works well. There has to be one of those babies out there somewhere don't you think?  

I love the playful opening with Tanis, pretending she's just asleep. Ah good ole Tanis! She'd be one to do just that.

Overall, I think this is well written, but let's try and see if we can make it better.

Maybe there needs to be something in particular that sets the dreams in motion. Someone else raised the point that Devon relies on Gus too much. I agree and I'll add that I was happy when you brought the computer searches at the library into it because I was thinking early on: Why doesn't he just google it?

Herein then might lie part of the problem. If you were to maybe create an incident where he's pulled into a dream by (Who knows what? Eating cabbage at bedtime?) and then he searches it out on his computer and THAT creates some kind of connection to a guy named Roger who exists in the real world as well as his dreams.

If Roger was more of a real threat, or perceived real threat, it might provide more of a thrust for the story.

I think you did try with Roger. It would be nice to see more of what and why he operates the way he does.

The use of the "F" word doesn't jive with me unless we need to use it for character in a specifically adult form of the genre that absolutely demands the "F" word's use. To me, this series should be geared for about 8 and up. That is THE COOLEST TIME EVER TO LISTEN TO GHOSTY KINDS OF STORIES!

Along the same kinds of reasoning for eliminating the language, I'd lose the deadbeat dad. Questions like: Why doesn't he open the door? Are warranted. How does he contribute to the story? Poor Devon is really out of luck. Lousy father and sucked into this alternate world for no real reason it seems.

One thing that confused me was when he was suddenly in the MRI in the hospital. I wasn't sure right away if he was still in a dream or not. And his mother suddenly showing up irregardless seemed strange.

What I think happened is that it was just a bit of a fight to make it work and so we wind up kind of tacking things on afterwards and that's what happens.

My advice is to try and make Devon more proactive. Show him in a relationship with Kelly. Have him interact with his father on some kind of real level. Even deadbeat dads are often good guys with some redeeming qualities. They usually don't yell that their sons are fuck ups unless they're provoked. If he really is that bad, maybe we need more to know why.

...But then again... that's not what this series is about is it? So no, I wouldn't start trying to analyze his father, no matter what he is or isn't.

I'd just stick with an incident that sets these dreams in motion and pulls poor Devon in.

The ending with Tanis is strong with the theme of regret. If this is tackled in the script, then we will experience some kind of closure. If we could know what it is that Devon wants. That might be the key to the whole thing.

A very solid job.

Sandra

Hello Tyler,

Just gave this script a read.

I'm not a particular fan of the overuse of dreams.  Your story started off well but by the end I wasn't totally satisfied.  It didn't have that supernatural feel to it for me.

I think it might of been better to have the dagger on the book cover and have dream-like moments come to Devon in real life.  He returns the book but still it appears back at home.

When Devon responded to Kelly he was going home as he needed some sleep.  This was odd.  As if sleep was the most important thing in the world.

I thought Bert did a good job and I especially liked the like "Sleep be like a little taste of death..."

There's a few mistakes in there which I'm sure the others have mentioned already.

All the best,


Javier

I finally had a chance to reread this and I stick by my original comments in that it is really good however the dagger doesn't show up until page 10... That was and is still my only gripe about the script.

Also it is possible that the first dream scene could end with say Roger making out with the girl and stab her as the dream ends. Sets it up right away.

Good job. I enjoy your writing.

I know Cornetto didn't want these to have "episode numbers" but I think on the last episode Tanis should acknowledge the end of the season.

Tyler,

Just gave this one a listen and I enjoyed it a lot. The big challenge with this kind of a story is getting your dream sequences right. They're your set pieces and if they don't work, then nothing will. Fortunately, your's are exactly what they should be. Imaginative, creepy and weird, without anything being there that just doesn't make sense.

I also really enjoyed your supporting characters, Gus especially. It's a pretty rare thing to find good secondary cast in scripts and it was a nice change of pace to have colourful, entertaining guys in the periphery of the story. Well done.

Having said that, there are a few problems I had, the biggest of which being Roger's abrupt transformation from smartarse dream-guide to psychotic killer. I would've liked a smoother transition, but I understand that would've been difficult with the amount of pages you had to work with. I just think the last few pages would've been stronger if Roger's shift in gears was a slower build.

I was also a little confused as to the appearance of Devon's mother. As best I can figure it, some time before the story begins she got sick and died (which explains the scene in the MRI room) and that's why his father has been hostile and neglectful. I think that's a strong emotional story, and gives the script a nice tragic resonance that holds up well with the ending that you've got. But this is not exactly clear in the script, if that is what actually happened.

Other than that I really have no complaints. The story had a nice brisk pace, your dreams work really well and the characters are fun and interesting. A nice little story that I enjoyed quite a bit. Good work.

Tyler, I liked the script.  Mostly good pacing and realistic dream sequence set-ups (a weird contradiction, I know, but you pulled it off).  

I would have had Gus not be so nerd-like.  I knew a guy who looked like the big man on campus but was a walking encyclopedia.  I try to write against stereotype in my scripts, and I suggest that you do the same, too.  Maybe Gus could have acted like a servant for Roger.  The way he was trying to get everyone's attention led me to believe that this scenario might be possible.

Devon's father should have opened the door earlier.  Maybe if he was shown with a syringe in his arm, it would explain his being in a major stupor.  And the bit about the mother came out of nowhere.  Maybe if Roger said something about Devon using his last memory of his mother being alive, it would have fit in better.

It would have been interesting if Roger had also tried for Tanis's soul in her dreams, but she got the better of him.  Just some thoughts, Richard